MrsBlogAlot.com

A Blogger Gets the Led Out

2011-09-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember when I had a blog?

I’ve missed you guys…don't make me call the Obvious Police on my first day back K?

...Anyone still out there?

Out there

Wow I look skinny

Skinny

Echoes can be fun yo.

Don’t worry about me; talking to myself has become a self-healing art form.

So with the exception of the madness that is my daily commuter bus ...aka, Mobile Prison, I love my new gig.

And really how wrong could it possibly be to want to take a number 2 pencil and stab the living hell out of a few inconsiderate bus riding commuters.... you know, just the ones holding the un-muted hand held devices?

Those that continue to breathe.

Only make them bleed long enough to hemorrhage and burst one of their most necessary arteries.

...To have the pleasure of watching them explode right before my very eyes...

….Ecstasy

Just sayin'

But the good news is that my new insurance covers all the new Bus Rage I can muster.

And I’m an excellent musterer btw.

I figured out that if I tell the doctors that the Bus o' Rage is a side effect of my yeast infection they have to treat me.

It could happen.

I know how to work a system people.

Ok back to the pencil killing.

Like I ever left it.

So here’s the plan-I figure if just one if us takes the hit and makes the news for vigilante Led Homicide everywhere those inconsiderate whore stains will think twice before taking out their phones to have a conversation about NOTHING thus disturbing 49 other potential Led Pencil Killing commuters at 5:30 in the morning...

come on, just one tiny stab...

Stab

I'm going to get the sharpener. Nobody try to stop me.

VIBRATE BUTTON Whore Bag!!!!! It's not just for masturbating anymore!!!!

Ahem,

sorry…

So I'm well.

How goes it by all of you?

You Talkin' To Me?

2011-06-03T06:16:00.001-07:00

....“Yes, I believe I was” my employment recruiter who has been tirelessly searching for the perfect job for me replies "They’ve made you an offer” he pauses for affect “It’s everything you asked for…

*insert any dramatic body slump to the floor of your choosing here (go 'head, be creative).

“Hello? Are you still there?”

Am I really supposed to have the ability to speak at this point?

Months of searching, sweating, interviewing and waiting have come down to this?

One simple word?

Yes?

Why do I feel the same confusion as when I wonder why I always have more conditioner than shampoo?

The same confusion as when my husband hears a song and says “I love this song, have you heard it?” and I reply “never” and then he proceeds to sing it three times more…louder as if deaf and repetitiveness will somehow jar my memory instead of wanting to slice out his vocal cords one by one?

“Ahem….hello Miss Find Me the Right job and Quick - So what do you say?”

Did I mention that my recruiter was sassy?

Come on! Say the word! You can do this!

Hurry up or he will hang up on you and put you in his Too Dumb for a Job file cabinet and throw away the key.

“You mean I got the job?” I ask still stunned even though I can practically hear him drawing the line on my side of the stupid score board.

“Yes” he actually laughs (and why not? There will be a commission for him on the other end) “They want you to start in two weeks. Should I tell them you accept or do you want to keep searching for a few more months. I’ve got nothing better to do?”

Ok, now I’m better.

“Fuck no. Tell them I accept!....Why are you still on the phone?..... GO!”

I guess life is still full of new beginnings …even when you can feel like you are so close to the end.

Now excuse me a moment while I go do the Yippee Ki-yay motherfucker dance all over my house.

Where Comments Go to Die

2011-05-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.

Mainly because I am a SUCKER for a Psychic.

Let me explain.

There is this one radio Psychic that goes on air every week to “filter” long-lost dead relative messages of encouragement and warning out to the listener.

I’m not sure if an actual possession takes place in the studio but in my head there are many Linda Blair antics going on behind the scenes.

(And, if you can believe it, I am even a worse driver during these radio broadcasts)

Like you could concentrate while listening to dead people.

So the Psychic begins by baiting the “311-Dead Hotline” hook with:

“I’m feeling a strong “M” coming through…Mary, Martha..Mother…do you understand?”

First caller up, and you can practically taste the willingness to believe in the listener’s voice.

“Well…. my husband’s half sister on her father’s side was Muslim”

And….I’m hooked.

MORE! MORE!!

“I’m feeling like there has been an illness lately. I feel it in the lungs and chest area. Do you understand?”

“Wow! I’ve been having the worst allergies lately!”

Close enough. I won’t nitpick.

WHAT ELSE? WHAT ELSE?

“There is a strong maternal figure coming through she’s sa….”

“OMG! IT’S MY GRANDMOTHER!!! I LOVED MY GRANDMOTHER! WHAT’S SHE SAY?”

Jeeze lady, ever even say the word coy?

“She’s making me feel that you had to make a big decision recently. Do you understand”?

Pause.

Now the caller is crying.

OMG! WHAT DECISION? WHAT DECISION?!!

Sniff…

“Well, I recently had to go on Weight Watchers because I’ve gained few pounds”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Is this what we are wasting dead people’s time with these days?

On a side sniff, I think when Chuck Woolery dies he’ll make an excellent Dead Connection host don’t you?

So after hearing this, I realized that I owed technology an apology. I’ve been cursing them quite colorfully for every comment that has disappeared after pressing the Publish Comment key when obviously…

… The dead people have been doing it all along.

Placing blame correctly is important to me.

I knew the answer was right in front of me the whole time.

And for the dead record, I also blame them for accidentally deleting this post when I was trying to edit it and having to write it all over again.

...Happy Days! A whole new source of blame for me to play with!

Am I the only Psychic sucker?

Anyone else dying to talk to dead people?

Mad Blog Scientist

2011-04-18T00:21:00.000-07:00

I think I want to start a series of articles entitled “I’m Just Sayin'’”

I'm pretty sure I could get a lot of miles out of this one.

The thought arrived at my blog front door when I heard my Mother-in-Law telling my son that not saying "God Bless You" when someone sneezes is bad manners.

Bad manners?

Yeah, I’ve heard the ancient sneeze tale also but still never considered saying or not saying “Bless You” part of my manner repertoire.

Who cares if you sneeze?

I’m just sayin’

I don’t even care if you cough really-unless you were choking

And only then because I could finally practice that Heimlich I’ve seen so much about on posters.

So what would happen if the world stopped saying “Bless You” after a sneeze?

(cue lightening… flash of scary clowns optional)

Well you know I had to try it.

And so for one whole week whenever someone sneezed I said NOTHING.

That’s right. NOTHING!

Well you’d think I’d committed rabbit rape the way they all stared at me in my non-reflective silence.

While I waited for lightening to strike, and they waited for me to say “Bless You” I decided to burp without saying excuse me.

I figured I was on a roll.

(insert next mental check up date here)

WHAT?...NOTHING after a sneeze...

Oh my OdGay!

And did the world come to an end?

Did those little people under the stairs in Let's Scare Jessica To Death finally come and get me (because I always knew they would)

NO.

Nothing happened.

...So nobody sits with me at lunch anymore.

Screw them.

Assholes can't take a little experiment.

And don't think they'll be getting a gesundheit out of me either!

Bad manners or bad habbit?…you be the judge

Just sayin’

I feel a second series coming on very soon... (-:

Blog Roll

2011-04-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

I thank my lucky, second-generation Darren stars every night that no matter what happens in my life...

There will always be reality TV!!

Nothing makes me feel more normal than a good reality show.

And Reality TV can make me forget just about anything...

...well except for that time when I forgot that I had one tampon in and put another one in by mistake.

...Aaaaand since this information may or may not be relevant in a future sanity hearing we'll not speak of it again. K?

Now back to reality!

I’m writing a thank you letter as we speak to whoever put "Mobbed" on Fox.

I'm telling you my fantasy show has come to life!

Although in my fantasy, I’d be on roller skates.

Ahhhh....roller skating...

Disco lights.....

Couples only.....

Sorry, slipped into a memory coma for a moment.

Not even a mobb of giant, bug-eyed, green Sleestak could get this Eighties girl to jump her ass over the pillon into this era.

My memories are happy and in tact just where they are thank you very much.

These days, I'm a little less hair spray and my eyebrows have thankfully carved a nice intersection for themselves but I can still roll with the best of 'em!

In my mind..

Scary to think that uni-brows and big hair never really die in spirit.

HA! And that Magic Eraser thought it could kill anything!

So, in my dreams, I want to do Mobbed...on skates!

I’ve been trying to talk my husband into it since last week...

“Honey let’s go on that new show Mobbed!”

“Why the hell for?”

“So we can do a surprise dance number to one unsuspecting person and…well... surprise them!”

“Surprise them and who about what?”

“Um, I didn’t think that far ahead... I’m not sure but wouldn’t it be fun?!”

“...I’m stained with excitement.”

I swear, it's like he's begging me to be the center of my dartboard.

...like he needs to beg

Got a dream reality show?

(-:

House Call?

2011-04-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

An exasperated Receptionist peeks her head into Dr. Economywitz’s office and announces;

"The House is on line 2 again Doctor. This is the fifth time he’s called this morning."

Dr. Economywitz blows out an overworked exhale and lets the Gate Keeper off the hook by taking the call.

“Hello House. What can I do for you?”

“Doc ya gotta help me!” House blurts out “You won’t believe what’s been happening. I don’t know what I’m going to do!”

“Calm down House, is this like the time your owners painted that orange accent wall and you thought your life was over?”

“No Doc. This is bigger than that!”

“Like the time your previous owners hung dead animal heads in the living room and grew pot from their nostrils?”

“No Doc, I’m tellin’ ya, I don’t know where to turn…my owners...well.....they’re talking about….they’re considering...

…leaving”

“You mean like selling you?”

“No they can’t sell me” House swallowed hard and whispered “I’m not worth what I used to be these days Doc. I tried to keep my value. Honest I did. I don’t even know where I went wrong. They’re thinking about just...

walking away.

...Not giving a rats' ass about their precious credit scores they’ve been cultivating and protecting all theses years. Screwing the mortgage company that refuses to help them even though they've been the poster people for Responsible Home Owners and.."

“Now settle down House, maybe you’ve got this all wrong. I see this kind of thing every day, perhaps they’ve just been airing too much CNN in the halls and all of those ugly foreclosure reports are just hitting a nerve”

House considered this for a moment. Then shook his rafters and blurted out,

“NO! I heard them myself! They can’t afford me anymore! His hours have been cut and her job…well, she hates her job. She’s been killing herself trying to make it work but she says those promises of high commissions were a myth and she hasn’t been able to find a new job anywhere and...”

"House take it ea..."

“ ...and she says there are no jobs out there! And she’s never had trouble finding work before …she’s been looking for months…and I know better to think it’s not me it’s them but I’m all they talk about these days so who else could it be?" House stopped to take a breath then whined.."I don’t want new owners Doc! I like them! She’s a little quirky but I don’t mind and he…well he does a decent job talking her out of the trees most days…. I've had worse living inside of me...”

“Get a hold of yourself House, things are picking up. We are on the upside of this recession I tell you. Just stay supportive and grounded. You’ve got a foundation to be proud of and I think your owners will turn this thing around”

Was Dr. Economywitz even listening?

“House, trust me on this. Things will get better...."

"But..."

"Now I have to run House, Pre-Existing Condition is on line 4.”

Anyone else want a piece of Economywitz?

Blogging 102

2011-03-09T11:25:00.001-08:00

I can't believe that this is my 102^nd post.

What I’ve blogged on and on about for 102 posts I have no idea.

Really, I don’t.

It’s a topsy turvey world out there.

Just ask my phone bill that comes upside down every month.

See what I mean?

But I wanted to do something grand…something BIG to mark my 102^nd post.

Hey, even the Dalmatians never made it to 102!

Lazy leg humpers!

But alas, I couldn’t think of anything.

Except for one little piece of artwork.

Created just for all of you!

Kind of like a goody bag for you to take home.

…Without the candy.

...And, um, and without the good stuff.

Anyway, with any luck it’ll be worth something when I’m dead.

Don’t knock it, I almost wrote a poem.

That’s right I said it!

I promise real goody bags next time!!

Now let's all drink to the G-Spot!

Who's got the shaker?

You guys are the best!!!!

xoxoxo!!!

Blog Take-Out

2011-02-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

So there is an unwritten rule in a small, six-person office:

You can NOT order lunch without asking anyone else if they would like something.

I hate this rule.

Somebody ALWAYS takes me up on it.

And then, part b to that rule is that whoever orders the food has to be the one to collect all the money and pay the delivery guy when he comes.

Again, me.

Now where I come from, the Number 5 on a Chinese menu is around $4.85. Comes with soda or eggroll give or take a typo.

Can someone take a stab in someone’s eye on how much the guy who orders the Number 5 gives me to pay each time?

Go 'head, poke another eye out

That’s right,

...5 dollars.

No excuses.

No apologies.

No lame pretend show like he's looking for some extra change but really just scratching his balls...

Just five dollars.

What about tax?

What about tip?

What about the punch in the face I want to give you for taking me up on the offer every time in the first place?

Does .15 cents cover that Ducksauce Douche face?

Huh? Well? Does it??!!!

So do I scream out what I think of him?... Set him on fire?

and risk …and risk….

sounding cheap?

Hmmm…Six person office…have to live with him for more hours than my husband at this point…the words I curse can’t be made up with a blow job….

Ok, at least I can do the math.

But don’t for one second think I haven’t mother f*#!ked him in my head to death by now.

That’s how I get away with not giving my husband blow job.

I know. I know, I’m supposed to be concentrating at work here.

But all I can think about is how much this guy will be into me by the year 2020.

It will pay for my mortgage one day I’m sure of it!

...or at least one Gyno visit.

Now I have to bring in my own lunch everyday dammit.

.15 cents adds up people!

No Jew or Catholic bones about it.

That’s right, I put Jew first.

Hey, I'm ordering lunch.

Anyone want anything?

Blog In A Box

2011-02-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

I believe in instinct.

I believe in being blunt.

I do NOT believe I can fly.

I believe someone should be working on a Time Machine that has the ability to retract all of life's "unfortunate" little moments at the touch of a button.

But until they get cracking on that sucker....

Perhaps I should have pressed that "Mute" button when stating comically to a coworker that I'd rather be hit with a double inverted yeast infection and a side of congo rash rather than go to a meeting with my manager while on a conference call....

...whilst said manager was listening in on the other end of that conference call

Perhaps.

...Why can't we fly again?

I've since changed my name and identity to protect the innocent but I can't hide in this office forever.

They just don't make holes big enough these days.

Making a coworker snort has it's price.

And yes, I know, we all must follow our own instincts and respective moral compasses. But man, I would really like to have that machine right about now.

Surely a contraption such as this could finally save me from myself!!!

What is the delay?

We make bombs right?

I don't understand the problem.

Btw, anyone have a good cure for congo rash?

... I have to go to a meeting now.

Blogish

2011-01-10T10:23:00.000-08:00

Blogish

...My new religion.

Like it?

I found it on a lunch trip at Subway.

"What would you like on that turkey sandwich?" the poor unsuspecting Subway Sandwich Artist asks the lady in front of me.

"Just lettish"

"Excuse me?" she asks

"Just lettish"

"let-TUCE?" she confirms and spits a little, insulted on behalf of words everywhere.

"Yeah, that's what I said. Sorry about my southern accent"

Insert insult to injury redneck face here.

Oh stop it, just pick one.

It wasn't until she asked for a side of chomato that I started looking around for the cameras.

Now I can't tell you what part of the outraged South she was from, nor can I tell you the last time I tucked in a shirt but I would bet my last shacon, lettish and chomato sandwich that there is no picture plaque of her hanging on any Town Hall wall.

And you know I'm going back tomorrow and every day- same time exactly- to see if she comes in again.

I'm dying of churiosity about my new religion!

A'comon! wouldn't you be? (-:

No Post Radio!

2010-12-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

I feel a severe bout of strange coming on.

Something unthinkable happened this holiday season.

I might even be talking to you from another dimension right now…I’m still not sure.

Not sure because if there is one thing I can depend on every holiday season, year in and year out…come hell or ...OK, just hell... it’s

Family Drama at Christmas.

Scream filled hallways splattered with insults and slights.

Legendary rifts dividing loved ones to separate corners forever....

So imagine my surprise when, with 2005 and 2008 grudge notes firmly in hand,

…it never came.

Maybe they were waiting until after dinner this time to begin the fallout festivities.

But even after the appropriate compliments on the food and dibs on leftovers were all said and done….

Still nothing.

Perhaps after suffering through each person’s sorry-ass, eight count piano rendition of Heart and Soul…

Nope.

Were they waiting for me to start?

‘cause I can do this.

Ooooh wait…

“Soooo how’s work going?” my sister in law asks as she slides herself onto the seat across from me.

Finally, here it comes.

I see my husband throw me a conspiring go-get-‘em wink.

I shoot him back my best Lock and Load heads up.

Ready.

“Not bad, putting in a lot of hours, you know, trying to make it work”

“That’s great. I envy you trying something different at this stage of your life. I wish I had the guts to try something else”

“…OH YEAH? WELL WHAT ABOUT THE TIME WHEN YOU SAID….huh?....wha?...

um...thanks”

OK, hold on here comes my other sister in law…a.k.a. Thing Two…. Now this is gonna be good.

“Hey I loved that cake you brought. It was delicious and wow your hair grew back so fast. It looks great!”

What the…..?

ALRIGHT, WHO’S DYING?

“er...thanks ….”

“Could you tell me who cuts your hair? I really need a new stylist”

“…GRRRRRRR.....I’ll email you the number…”

Am I dying?

What the HELL is happening here???!!

And it went on like this ALL night!

Everyone playing……….

NICE!

No bloodbath over Monopoly, no bruised feelings over past brawls that were securely embedded last time I checked.

What’s this world coming to when you can’t even depend on the annual Christmas fight that fuels us with the anger in which we’ve become accustomed to the entire year long?

Respective in-laws retreating into their cars to discuss the “can you believe’s” and “how could theys”.

The annual added layer of bitterness that helps build and sustain the completely, unhealthy drama that is so distinctively our family?

Don’t tell me I’ll have to find something else to talk to my husband about now.

All's I know is that 2010 ended with confusion and a well-prepared list of unspoken insults burning a hole in my stomach.

But, as the New Year rolled in..... it all became perfectly clear.

They're plotting to kill me.

Finally some action!

How was your family drama? (-:

I See Blog People

2010-12-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

Hello!!!

I wanted to thank you guys for your kind and encouraging emails and comments. This blogworld has proven, yet again, to be over-the-top amazing. And I appreciate it more than you know.

If feels like a million years since I've been here! ...But betcha it feels longer to my husband who has been the unsuspecting, stand-in host to my incessant ramblings.

I don't think he quite knew what him 'em.

Surprise verbal attacks...it's what's for dinner.

Most of you know why I haven't been able to blog around as much as I'd like to these days.... and contrary to popular belief, I did not join the Witness Protection Program.

Their medical plan sucks just as much as my job's.

er...so I've heard...

No, it started with a stupid little perfume commercial…you know ....the one ‘bout

Bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan…

Uh. Yeah. That one.

Well, apparently all I can do with bacon is take it out of the refrigerator and stare at it with indecent and un-kosher like longing.

And my husband "cannot forget he’s a man" on his own damned time thank you very much.

Isn't that why God created airports?

But I was hoping, after a while-I know not to expect any miracles- to have my son be able to pick me out of a police line up without having to turn all the suspects around to face a computer before making a positive ID.

It’s the little things.

And my job....well, listen to this....

I actually have to pay attention in order to get paid.

I know! When exactly I allowed that to happen I have no idea.

But let's just say that whoever started the whole idea of commission-only crap should be shot.

Or blogged.

....Shafty, mind-twisting system that.

But since I've gotten all used to that electricity, eating and staying in my house thing...I thought it might be a good idea to give it my best shot.

And the truth is, I hate to feel like I'm doing half-ass at anything…

Obviously, I need to be a whole ass or nothing at all.

...My mother being proud wouldn't even begin to cover that last one.

All things life are hard to juggle at times I guess. And I really miss this blog that has been like a second home to me.

I knew I should have gone to Whole Ass Juggling College dammit!

OK, anyone not know what the hell I'm talking about, raise your hand.

I know, me too.

Didn't know you had front row seats to Erratic and Unstable Mind Theatre did ya?

Clearly holding in your blogs is bad for the system.

Bacon...Police Line ups... The Mortgage Mofia...

It’s rough up here IRL yo.

…and the diseases and germs!....OMG you would not believe the diseases and germs!…..Man, good thing I don’t talk or touch people!

But it really feels good to visit and be back here. I've missed you guys!

And honestly, I think of you all more often then my short attention span should technically allow and hope you guys are doing well and are still as awesome as ever!

So I guess this all begs the question….

What do you all think of bacon?

(-:

Blog Break

2010-10-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

You guys know I love you right?

Well you better!

Just taking a little time off from the blog.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m going to go out and start talking to people or anything.

Talk about crazy.

And no, I don’t have any great plans to work on a book, climb a mountain, commit the perfect crime…

But maybe I will see if TLC wants to start a new reality series called Why Bloggers Leave. But letmetellyousomething....if its air date competes with that guy with the four wives, you can count me out...

You can bet I'll be too busy watching that bad boy to care about anything I might have to say.

But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this whole blogging experience has been awesome.

BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sometimes they just don't make fonts big enough)

Individually and collectively....YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!!

Again, I demand a new font.

You all have been spectacular blog friends and I wanted to thank you for that.

THANK YOU!

I feel kind of bad not emailing all of you individually but that would seem way too permanent for me and permanent stains clothes so...

It's nice to know that you guys know what I mean even when I don't.

So as long as Blogger's not charging me rent or anything, I'll be around....

And I hope you don’t mind that I still hang out over at your blogs from time to time ….

I’ve already paid off Blog Security so don't even try it. And I don't want to clean up too much dust around here when I come back so who's going to volunteer to help me clean while I'm away?

Did I mention that I love you guys?

(-:

See you soon!

XOXOXOXO!!!

Blog Draft

2010-09-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm…..

Let’s see….

-Blog about my co-workers continuing and unfortunate bathroom issues….

Naw...not enough blog spray on earth.

-Blog about the nosy work apes hanging all over me all the time so I can’t get any blog peace and quiet…

Naw....if there’s no bloodshed what’s the point?

-Blog about how I wish there were big comic-comment bubbles over peoples heads instead of having to wince away from their bad breath…

TAKE A MINT ARCHIE!

Naw, bad idea...then they’d know I was lying half the time.

Ok seventy-five percent.

-Write about something meaningful.

Create a Blog national anthem. …Buy a poultry dress with matching purse …continue to wonder if you pronounce Illinois like Ill-a-noise or Ill-an-oy…Blog about how one can say the word persnickety so many times over and over that they lose all feeling in the face…why thinking vagina when someone says angina… then, naturally… Aunt Jemima…is wrong...

Is my life the blog or is the blog my life?!!!

BREATHE!

OK.

Much better.

Not really.

Now what?

Talk?

Naw...gave it up for blogging (-:

Do you guys still...you know...um, talk?