Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Convenient Jew












When I don't want to send out Christmas cards or feel like decking the halls, I can usually explain it away by being Jewish.


"Do you go to Church?"


Nope, Jewish


"Wear a cross?"


Nope, Jewish


"Swallow?"


er....Jewish


When my husband looks at me like I've sprouted even more nose hairs because I can still crack up at Adam Sandler's Chanukah song I tell him "You just don't get it. I guess you have to be Jewish"


"For that your Jewish?!" He screeches


"Wow Honey, that was pretty good. You almost sounded like one of us. Next time a little more up-pitched on the "ish" part and..."


"You know what you are?" Man can he flare a nostril "You're Screwish!"


Screwish?


Do they get jewelry?


You'd think with all the burning exhales being emitted out of my husband's face our heating bills would be much lower.


"Why is it that I am always Catholic but you are only sometimes Jewish?"


Hmmm....he's got me there...or does he?


"O.K. fine. No problem. You want me to be Jewish all the time?"


mental silence


"Uh, no, not really" he mumbles as he leaves the room.


Score another one for the Screw!




So do you think Hallmark makes cards for Screwvous?



Mrs. Blogalotwitz


45 comments:

Sophia's Mom on December 10, 2009 at 5:18 PM said...

"You'd think with all the burning exhales being emitted out of my husband's face our heating bills would be much lower." LOL!!!

I would love to be a fly on your wall! It would give me great blog material!

You know, I'm an honorary Jew. Everyone in my office is Jewish but me, so by association, I'm Jewish. <- not very funny in writing but when we meet I'll tell you again and you'll laugh your pants off.... or slap me. We'll see.

http://www.thewannabewahm.com

Lee the Hot Flash Queen on December 10, 2009 at 5:21 PM said...

LMAO!! The swallowing is so funny. My kids are in a jewish day school, my ex is orthodox, I have to be jewish all day every day...DAMMIT!

Jayne Martin on December 10, 2009 at 5:46 PM said...

As a kid, I felt sorry for the Jewish kids 'cause they didn't get Christmas. Then I found out they got presents every damn day for 12 freakin' days.

Better jewelry, no swallowing, 12 days of presents. I feel so screwed.

I love the title of this post.

~Shelley~ on December 10, 2009 at 6:24 PM said...

Too funny! I was raised Catholic..turned Baptist..now..not so sure what I am. Right now...I'm just tired, time to get the kids to bed :)

Love reading your blog!

Jillian Livingston on December 10, 2009 at 6:39 PM said...

I just brought my husband begrudgingly into my office to read your post, "The Blogging Kingdom" but kicked him out when I saw you had this post up.

I have just been writing my frustrations that happen over the holidays being in a mixed marriage but your post is so much more funny. It sounds like we have very similar husbands. I'll have to read more to find out.

Noelle on December 10, 2009 at 7:50 PM said...

see?! someone that understands me!! i keep telling my kids we aren't going to have christmas this year because i'm converting. and i get eye rolling and sighs in response. i sooooo feel ya!

The girl with the flour in her hair on December 10, 2009 at 8:36 PM said...

Screwish. Ah, so your husband thinks he's a funny man, huh? Yeah. I have one of those. And when he's funnier than me, it pisses me off. So I steal his lines and then reuse them when he's not around.

adrienzgirl on December 10, 2009 at 9:04 PM said...

You are too funny! Do they still get jewelry. That would totally have been a question I would have thrown out!

Richele on December 10, 2009 at 11:07 PM said...

Mrs. Blogalotwitz, that was funny. Can I be Jewish sometimes? I mean, can I be Jewish by assoication?? No, I have no Jewish friends. No, I have no idea what a dreidal...????...is or how to spell it. I don't even know what kosher means. Okay...I'll stick with Baptist.

BugginWord on December 11, 2009 at 9:28 AM said...

Cartoon hearts for you Mrs. Blogalotwitz.

Lindsey on December 11, 2009 at 12:18 PM said...

This post really made me laugh! LOVE IT!
Happy Holidays Mrs. Screwish!!

rinzonelle on December 11, 2009 at 5:20 PM said...

Have a nice weekend! God Bless!

NathanRising on December 11, 2009 at 9:11 PM said...

Oh wow! Too funny!! Screwish? I about choked on my chocolate chip cookie! Which should be a sin because OMG those little chocolate chips are a gooey bite of heaven. Oh, and I also have a husband who thinks he is funny... :-P
-Jen

Matty on December 12, 2009 at 6:36 AM said...

Nothing like a little secular humor to spice up a marriage.

Mrsblogalot on December 12, 2009 at 7:20 AM said...

Yeah, mixed marriages are tough......Jews and Vampires

Amo on December 12, 2009 at 9:57 AM said...

That was hilarious! Soooo funny! And I still crack up at Adam Sandler, too. He was on Sesame Street yesterday singing a song about Elmo and I though it was funny. Maybe I should get out more.

Blia on December 12, 2009 at 1:59 PM said...

Hahahahaha! I think we all need to be Jewish sometimes. I always enjoy reading your posts. Just haven't had the chance to visit. Thanks again for another great one!

My name is PJ. on December 12, 2009 at 2:17 PM said...

It's about always being at least half a step ahead....and you do it so well!

drollgirl on December 12, 2009 at 6:34 PM said...

bahahah! you are killing me!

er, my boss is jewish and i am NOT religious at ALL (daughter of a preacher -- i've had it with all the religion). every year around christmas and easter my boss asks me to EXPLAIN christmas and easter to him, and i do the same with him about jewish holidays. this has been going on for six years. retarded. anywhoo, he always thinks easter is a big deal and that i need to get my ass to church on good friday. the predominantly evil part of me just wants the day off, so every year we go through this song and dance, and i usually end up "pretending" to go church just to get out of work.

holy shit, i am a babbling fool today....

AND i used to work with a chick that said she was catholic, but that her father-in-law was jewish, so she could get out of work on ALL religious holidays. quite the scam.

kys on December 12, 2009 at 7:12 PM said...

Maybe I'll become Jewish. It sounds like a blanket excuse.

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com on December 12, 2009 at 8:12 PM said...

Happy (sometimes) Hanukah to you!!! Loved this post!

The Absence of Alternatives on December 12, 2009 at 10:28 PM said...

LOVE LOVE the title. It can be applied to many situations and identifies. AWESOME! My husb is a "twice a year Catholic". Your husb will probably go to heaven before mine does. Oh well I don't really care since I am coming back! (Reincarnation baby!) Happy Chanukah! I assume in this week you are Jewish? ;-) Since presents are involved, FOR YOU alone; you don't need to worry about giving anything to husb. SCORE! 8 times?

Andrea (ace1028) on December 13, 2009 at 7:01 AM said...

What a fantastic post! I love when my non-Jew of a hubby says something that "sounds like one of us!" ;) Hilarious! btw, I still love Adam Sandler's song, too!

Jen on December 13, 2009 at 8:59 AM said...

I have always wanted to be Jewish, the only thing holding my back was doing the whole conversion thing. When I was at Catholic school I told everyone I was Jewish. Everyone believed me and those who knew better just went along with it. It got me out of all kinds of stupid things at mass. I'm not Catholic for that matter so didn't know all the little hand movements and responses. Being Jewish made it all good. I wasn't aware of the swallowing part, if I had known I might have converted a long time ago.

Unknown Mami on December 13, 2009 at 1:36 PM said...

I still crack up at the Adam Sandler song, maybe I'm part Jewish.

Vivianne's Vista on December 13, 2009 at 7:44 PM said...

I'm a sometimes catholic. Whenever someone tries to put a guilt trip on me, I run in the opposite direction! All right, that wasn't as witty as this post. Going back to the Douche post, it was just too funny!

Savvy Gal on December 14, 2009 at 12:33 PM said...

LOL.... my friends is Asian whenever it suits her.

LucyCooper on December 14, 2009 at 7:56 PM said...

Just drink your gin and tonic-ah, and smoke your marijuan-ica, and never mind him.

Shraddha@theselfloveproject on December 14, 2009 at 8:47 PM said...

you are too funny..

i added adam sandler's song on my blog last week..it cracks me up too..

Happy Hanukkah!!!

Jenny on December 15, 2009 at 4:18 AM said...

Wow... jewish post triggers Sandler craze... interesting... People are so random.

Post-Modern Jen on December 15, 2009 at 6:11 AM said...

Good morning! I'm a cafeteria Catholic- but I don't think you're ever supposed to admit this...Thanks for visiting me at MBC, and thanks for following along! My blog is kind of scattered, but so am I :)

Naomi de la Torre on December 15, 2009 at 3:01 PM said...

Funny! Happy Hanukkah! I'm a Baha'i so I get to celebrate everything... Yay:) organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com

Nic on December 16, 2009 at 1:25 AM said...

Hahahahaha very funny your posts never fail to crack me up! Wish I was jewish sometimes too but the catholics got to me first!

Christine on December 16, 2009 at 3:03 AM said...

LMAO..screwish..seriously, that is great!
I love how you threatened to be Jewish all the time...too funny!

Kim on December 16, 2009 at 5:07 AM said...

Screwish...that is funny. You can celebrate it with Festivus (remember that from Seinfeld?).

Glad I found your site on MBC. You are too funny!!

V on December 16, 2009 at 5:28 AM said...

Bahumbug! I'm missing my Jewish friends from back home right about now due to this post. I'm really not sure what the hell I am anymore either...I guess I just believe what I believe and thats that.:) My blog is my temple:) That pic probably says it for all of us:) I was trying to say a prayer last night and got interupted with thoughts about blogging this morning....Blog Whores! I swear!

Clueless_Mama on December 21, 2009 at 1:36 AM said...

My husband is Jewish too and I am Christian. This post cracked me up. I need to read it to my hubby:) We love the Adam Sandler song too. Although I love anything Adam Sandler. Happy Holidays!

Fragrant Liar on December 21, 2009 at 6:40 PM said...

Well, I'm not Jewish, but I am a convenient Catholic. I was actually raised as a JACK-Catholic, which means I got baptized in the church, but a Sunday spent in a pew was rare. Still, when I need it, a good poke toward the pope and a saint du jour buys a little time or gets me off the hook. Amen.

That one girl on December 22, 2009 at 9:13 AM said...

Haha, that is awesome! I like to be Jewish sometimes too, they LOVE to party!

Alyssa on January 3, 2010 at 8:18 AM said...

I am jewish and hubby is not- we celebrate Santa Cohen so my daughter gets the best of both worlds. Although I must admit at times I am more jewish than others especially when it comes to cooking and cleaning! Love this post hope you do more like this one!!! It is needed in the blogging world.

Jenny on August 16, 2010 at 6:46 AM said...

That is funny! I know a lot of sometimes Jews. You're in good company. Stopping by from SITS! Happy SITS day!

Shayna on August 16, 2010 at 7:16 AM said...

Too funny! I'm an all the time Jew, but there are definitely times when it comes in handy... :-)

From Tracie on August 16, 2010 at 8:31 AM said...

I never knew how useful it was to be part time Jewish. I should look into that.

scargosun on August 16, 2010 at 8:59 AM said...

Part time religious holds no more sun for me. I eschewed organized religion long ago...and I still get presents! Woo hooo!

Jenn Erickson on August 16, 2010 at 12:38 PM said...

Hilarious. By virtue of your definition I guess I'm Screwish too. I'll have to share this post with my brothers. I think they'll get a huge kick out of this, since we've often joked about how selective our mom was in our partially Jewish upbringing.

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