Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Convenient Jew












When I don't want to send out Christmas cards or feel like decking the halls, I can usually explain it away by being Jewish.


"Do you go to Church?"


Nope, Jewish


"Wear a cross?"


Nope, Jewish


"Swallow?"


er....Jewish


When my husband looks at me like I've sprouted even more nose hairs because I can still crack up at Adam Sandler's Chanukah song I tell him "You just don't get it. I guess you have to be Jewish"


"For that your Jewish?!" He screeches


"Wow Honey, that was pretty good. You almost sounded like one of us. Next time a little more up-pitched on the "ish" part and..."


"You know what you are?" Man can he flare a nostril "You're Screwish!"


Screwish?


Do they get jewelry?


You'd think with all the burning exhales being emitted out of my husband's face our heating bills would be much lower.


"Why is it that I am always Catholic but you are only sometimes Jewish?"


Hmmm....he's got me there...or does he?


"O.K. fine. No problem. You want me to be Jewish all the time?"


mental silence


"Uh, no, not really" he mumbles as he leaves the room.


Score another one for the Screw!




So do you think Hallmark makes cards for Screwvous?



Mrs. Blogalotwitz


44 comments:

Nicole @ Chic and Cheap Nursery on December 10, 2009 at 5:18 PM said...

"You'd think with all the burning exhales being emitted out of my husband's face our heating bills would be much lower." LOL!!!

I would love to be a fly on your wall! It would give me great blog material!

You know, I'm an honorary Jew. Everyone in my office is Jewish but me, so by association, I'm Jewish. <- not very funny in writing but when we meet I'll tell you again and you'll laugh your pants off.... or slap me. We'll see.

http://www.thewannabewahm.com

Lee on December 10, 2009 at 5:21 PM said...

LMAO!! The swallowing is so funny. My kids are in a jewish day school, my ex is orthodox, I have to be jewish all day every day...DAMMIT!

Jayne Martin on December 10, 2009 at 5:46 PM said...

As a kid, I felt sorry for the Jewish kids 'cause they didn't get Christmas. Then I found out they got presents every damn day for 12 freakin' days.

Better jewelry, no swallowing, 12 days of presents. I feel so screwed.

I love the title of this post.

Shelley on December 10, 2009 at 6:24 PM said...

Too funny! I was raised Catholic..turned Baptist..now..not so sure what I am. Right now...I'm just tired, time to get the kids to bed :)

Love reading your blog!

Aspen Real Life on December 10, 2009 at 6:39 PM said...

I just brought my husband begrudgingly into my office to read your post, "The Blogging Kingdom" but kicked him out when I saw you had this post up.

I have just been writing my frustrations that happen over the holidays being in a mixed marriage but your post is so much more funny. It sounds like we have very similar husbands. I'll have to read more to find out.

Unknown on December 10, 2009 at 7:50 PM said...

see?! someone that understands me!! i keep telling my kids we aren't going to have christmas this year because i'm converting. and i get eye rolling and sighs in response. i sooooo feel ya!

adrienzgirl on December 10, 2009 at 9:04 PM said...

You are too funny! Do they still get jewelry. That would totally have been a question I would have thrown out!

Richele McFarlin on December 10, 2009 at 11:07 PM said...

Mrs. Blogalotwitz, that was funny. Can I be Jewish sometimes? I mean, can I be Jewish by assoication?? No, I have no Jewish friends. No, I have no idea what a dreidal...????...is or how to spell it. I don't even know what kosher means. Okay...I'll stick with Baptist.

BugginWord on December 11, 2009 at 9:28 AM said...

Cartoon hearts for you Mrs. Blogalotwitz.

Lindsey on December 11, 2009 at 12:18 PM said...

This post really made me laugh! LOVE IT!
Happy Holidays Mrs. Screwish!!

rinelle on December 11, 2009 at 5:20 PM said...

Have a nice weekend! God Bless!

NathanRising on December 11, 2009 at 9:11 PM said...

Oh wow! Too funny!! Screwish? I about choked on my chocolate chip cookie! Which should be a sin because OMG those little chocolate chips are a gooey bite of heaven. Oh, and I also have a husband who thinks he is funny... :-P
-Jen

Matty on December 12, 2009 at 6:36 AM said...

Nothing like a little secular humor to spice up a marriage.

MrsBlogAlot on December 12, 2009 at 7:20 AM said...

Yeah, mixed marriages are tough......Jews and Vampires

Amo on December 12, 2009 at 9:57 AM said...

That was hilarious! Soooo funny! And I still crack up at Adam Sandler, too. He was on Sesame Street yesterday singing a song about Elmo and I though it was funny. Maybe I should get out more.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha! I think we all need to be Jewish sometimes. I always enjoy reading your posts. Just haven't had the chance to visit. Thanks again for another great one!

People Who Know Me Would Say: on December 12, 2009 at 2:17 PM said...

It's about always being at least half a step ahead....and you do it so well!

drollgirl on December 12, 2009 at 6:34 PM said...

bahahah! you are killing me!

er, my boss is jewish and i am NOT religious at ALL (daughter of a preacher -- i've had it with all the religion). every year around christmas and easter my boss asks me to EXPLAIN christmas and easter to him, and i do the same with him about jewish holidays. this has been going on for six years. retarded. anywhoo, he always thinks easter is a big deal and that i need to get my ass to church on good friday. the predominantly evil part of me just wants the day off, so every year we go through this song and dance, and i usually end up "pretending" to go church just to get out of work.

holy shit, i am a babbling fool today....

AND i used to work with a chick that said she was catholic, but that her father-in-law was jewish, so she could get out of work on ALL religious holidays. quite the scam.

Tracie on December 12, 2009 at 7:12 PM said...

Maybe I'll become Jewish. It sounds like a blanket excuse.

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com on December 12, 2009 at 8:12 PM said...

Happy (sometimes) Hanukah to you!!! Loved this post!

The Absence of Alternatives on December 12, 2009 at 10:28 PM said...

LOVE LOVE the title. It can be applied to many situations and identifies. AWESOME! My husb is a "twice a year Catholic". Your husb will probably go to heaven before mine does. Oh well I don't really care since I am coming back! (Reincarnation baby!) Happy Chanukah! I assume in this week you are Jewish? ;-) Since presents are involved, FOR YOU alone; you don't need to worry about giving anything to husb. SCORE! 8 times?

Andrea on December 13, 2009 at 7:01 AM said...

What a fantastic post! I love when my non-Jew of a hubby says something that "sounds like one of us!" ;) Hilarious! btw, I still love Adam Sandler's song, too!

Jen on December 13, 2009 at 8:59 AM said...

I have always wanted to be Jewish, the only thing holding my back was doing the whole conversion thing. When I was at Catholic school I told everyone I was Jewish. Everyone believed me and those who knew better just went along with it. It got me out of all kinds of stupid things at mass. I'm not Catholic for that matter so didn't know all the little hand movements and responses. Being Jewish made it all good. I wasn't aware of the swallowing part, if I had known I might have converted a long time ago.

Claudya Martinez on December 13, 2009 at 1:36 PM said...

I still crack up at the Adam Sandler song, maybe I'm part Jewish.

Vivianne's Vista on December 13, 2009 at 7:44 PM said...

I'm a sometimes catholic. Whenever someone tries to put a guilt trip on me, I run in the opposite direction! All right, that wasn't as witty as this post. Going back to the Douche post, it was just too funny!

Angela on December 14, 2009 at 12:33 PM said...

LOL.... my friends is Asian whenever it suits her.

LucyCooper on December 14, 2009 at 7:56 PM said...

Just drink your gin and tonic-ah, and smoke your marijuan-ica, and never mind him.

Anonymous said...

you are too funny..

i added adam sandler's song on my blog last week..it cracks me up too..

Happy Hanukkah!!!

Jenny on December 15, 2009 at 4:18 AM said...

Wow... jewish post triggers Sandler craze... interesting... People are so random.

Jen on December 15, 2009 at 6:11 AM said...

Good morning! I'm a cafeteria Catholic- but I don't think you're ever supposed to admit this...Thanks for visiting me at MBC, and thanks for following along! My blog is kind of scattered, but so am I :)

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on December 15, 2009 at 3:01 PM said...

Funny! Happy Hanukkah! I'm a Baha'i so I get to celebrate everything... Yay:) organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com

Nic on December 16, 2009 at 1:25 AM said...

Hahahahaha very funny your posts never fail to crack me up! Wish I was jewish sometimes too but the catholics got to me first!

Anonymous said...

LMAO..screwish..seriously, that is great!
I love how you threatened to be Jewish all the time...too funny!

Kim on December 16, 2009 at 5:07 AM said...

Screwish...that is funny. You can celebrate it with Festivus (remember that from Seinfeld?).

Glad I found your site on MBC. You are too funny!!

Blogs on December 16, 2009 at 5:28 AM said...

Bahumbug! I'm missing my Jewish friends from back home right about now due to this post. I'm really not sure what the hell I am anymore either...I guess I just believe what I believe and thats that.:) My blog is my temple:) That pic probably says it for all of us:) I was trying to say a prayer last night and got interupted with thoughts about blogging this morning....Blog Whores! I swear!

Clueless_Mama on December 21, 2009 at 1:36 AM said...

My husband is Jewish too and I am Christian. This post cracked me up. I need to read it to my hubby:) We love the Adam Sandler song too. Although I love anything Adam Sandler. Happy Holidays!

Fragrant Liar on December 21, 2009 at 6:40 PM said...

Well, I'm not Jewish, but I am a convenient Catholic. I was actually raised as a JACK-Catholic, which means I got baptized in the church, but a Sunday spent in a pew was rare. Still, when I need it, a good poke toward the pope and a saint du jour buys a little time or gets me off the hook. Amen.

Unknown on December 22, 2009 at 9:13 AM said...

Haha, that is awesome! I like to be Jewish sometimes too, they LOVE to party!

Anonymous said...

I am jewish and hubby is not- we celebrate Santa Cohen so my daughter gets the best of both worlds. Although I must admit at times I am more jewish than others especially when it comes to cooking and cleaning! Love this post hope you do more like this one!!! It is needed in the blogging world.

Unknown on August 16, 2010 at 6:46 AM said...

That is funny! I know a lot of sometimes Jews. You're in good company. Stopping by from SITS! Happy SITS day!

Shayna on August 16, 2010 at 7:16 AM said...

Too funny! I'm an all the time Jew, but there are definitely times when it comes in handy... :-)

Tracie Nall on August 16, 2010 at 8:31 AM said...

I never knew how useful it was to be part time Jewish. I should look into that.

scargosun on August 16, 2010 at 8:59 AM said...

Part time religious holds no more sun for me. I eschewed organized religion long ago...and I still get presents! Woo hooo!

Jenn Erickson on August 16, 2010 at 12:38 PM said...

Hilarious. By virtue of your definition I guess I'm Screwish too. I'll have to share this post with my brothers. I think they'll get a huge kick out of this, since we've often joked about how selective our mom was in our partially Jewish upbringing.

Post a Comment

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at ifevolutionworks.com for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at lollipopsandpickles.blogspot.com & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at lollipopsandpickles.blogspot.com & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami xoxo@heartsmakefamilies.com & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ tothemotherhood.com-& Vicki @ frugalmomknowsbest.com & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin @insightsandbellylaughs.com-find them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy @thewannabewahm.com for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine

 

Thank you Anat over at bsparkly.blogspot.com for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ thewifeyblogs.blogspot.com and Lisa @snugglebugglerockmom.blogspot.com!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness @heniperrr.blogspot.com/

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @ http://robyns-page.blogspot.com/

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @ http://robyns-page.blogspot.com/
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ homespunheartscandles.blogspot.com xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @ superheroesmom.com

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:


The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at Grandmasbriefs.com (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..


Finger Linkin' Blogs

A Must Read Award

A Must Read Award

Who's with me?

MrsBlogAlot.com Copyright © 2009 Blogger Template Designed by Ipietoon for Tadpole's Notez. Button Design, Template Modification, Installation and Setup by MommyDoodlesDesign.com