Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Now Hear This!

When my son was born, the nurse said the words that I would remember all of my motherhood life.

Mommy’s and Daddy’s do things differently.... And that’s okay.’

Truer words were never spoken.

Son: I don’t want to go to school anymore. A kid in school keeps pushing and hitting me”

Mom: Did you tell him to stop?

Dad: Did you punch him in the face?

Mom: You have to speak up for yourself

Dad: You have to punch him in the face.

Mom: Did you tell the teacher?

Dad: Did you punch him in the face?

Mom: I’ll go in tomorrow with you and talk to the principal

Dad: I’ll go punch his father in the face.

Wife: You can’t teach him to go around punching kids in the face.

Husband: So you want him to get punched in the face? All he has to do is punch a kid once and nobody will ever bother him again.

I know that sometimes a dad’s voice is needed and sometime’s a mom’s...and sometimes an analyst's. But the question is not who’s voice can be the loudest but which is the right one at the time?

Who’s voice do you or your child hear?

You all do hear the voices don't you...?

Friday, March 26, 2010

My Monthly Blog

I do my best blogging in the shower.

Or, during sex, depending upon how much fancy juice I have consumed prior.

And sometimes, during certain times of the month, I can even blog on the couch while watching TV with my husband as he interjects comments in between the shows.

“Wow, check out how long her hair is.”

What the hell is wrong with my hair? I knew I should have never cut my hair. Why didn't you tell me not to cut my hair dammit!

“Look at that gymnast go. Not an ounce of fat on her I bet”

So now I’m a cow?

“Must be nice to have all that money”

What, you should have married for money instead of love. Is that what you’re saying??

“Keep playing the lottery babe, you never know.”

Why, so the first thing you can buy is a suitcase? ...THAT'S IT!

“So what do you want to watch honey?”





“WTF? Are you crazy?!”

I know.

You should see me blog in supermarkets.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Are You In The Moooooog?

How Many O’s in Moooooog?


There are six!

I know, I know sometimes we write five…sometimes we write…seven…. but after much questioning and doubt after each time I typed it, I finally just counted.

Don’t give me ten years to figure something out.

So the question of the day is…Have you met Mooooog35 of Mental Poo?


You’re kidding me right?

Well then, let me be the first person you thank today for passing you on to an online manic genius.

I’d take you all over and introduce you myself but I have nobody to bloggy sit.

Damn internet getting me all knocked up and crap.

But I can’t even stand for even one of my bloggy friends to miss out on him! I love you all way too much!

What does Moooooog35 stand for anyway?

I might have missed the whole making of Moooooog35 video. I don’t remember ever seeing it. But then again, I don’t remember Thursday so…

In my head, this is what his name stands for:

M – Midget man of steel (duh)

1st O – Oh mother of Jesus (not you moooooog), I can’t believe he just said that.

2nd O – OMG he just said it again!

3rd O – Okay, there’s that laughing wet spot again. Damn him!

4th O – Only he could get away with this

5th O – One visit is never enough -(that’s what she said)

6th O – Oh yeah, EZ Pass to Hell for laughing at his insanity

G – Go check him out!

35 - Times he’s gotten away with written murder??? I don’t know and I think it has to be way more than that but go anyway.

I’m a little disappointed that HBO has not picked him up for some random thing or another (don’t worry, I have a letter out to them) but a more funny, insane and addictive blogger you will not find on this internet!

****This post was an unpaid, sexually or otherwise, message to all bloggers. Not responsible for any loss of eyesight, bowel functions, finger commenting dexterity or future/ pending lawsuits associated with said blogger…okay, so I might be a little responsible but I’m taking him down with me.

Okay. Now go and let me know whatcha think k? (-:

Friday, March 19, 2010

That's MRS. Kravitz to You

I’m nosy.

Yes I am.

Don’t believe me?

I make my husband go through open houses on the weekends pretending that we are first-time-home-buyers just to look inside.

I can not resist a good open house!

The signs lure me in like a Cullen.

Still don't believe?

Okay, what about the fact that I'll go through someone's blog like an online medicine cabinet?

Or that I've been known to answer to the name of Mrs. Crane when in a restaurant within earshot of other tables?

Not enough? Well then, I'm sorry to report that there's more...

The term "mind your own business" often translates itself to me as "shut the hell up crab monkey and while you're at it, go shave your ass"

Oh and I’ve never met an open window that I didn’t like.

Now doesn’t that prove it?

I know!

What the hell's wrong with me?

I’m not a stalker or peeping tom or anything…only because there are laws and confining penalties for such things…

But I do have this crazy and insatiable need to know.

And man would I love to be invisible on command!

Going in and out- anywhere- at anytime- as much as I please?

It would be like real life human TV all the time!

….Nosy Ass Reality TV....

All the time...


So I’m sick. Sue me. Marry me off to a cousin. Whatever.

Then we can televise it and watch it back.

I'm sure someone out there is nosy enough like me and will want to see it!

Want to? (-:

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hello Oprah?

UGGGHHHH!!! That’s disgusting!” I screech at my husband.

Wha?” He casually drawls out while pulling up his pants “All men do it”.

I’ve told my husband a million times not to exaggerate.

That being said, I think he has Manopause.

It’s true.

The last-straw symptom of this horrible male disease is charging out of the bathroom like Superman out of a phone booth and proudly announcing the size of his latest turd

...right down to the last micro-inch as if discovering the cure for world hunger.

And when he just stands there after this enlightening proclamation waiting for applause for his Man-Potty….well, sorry to say, you know he’s doomed.

Drilling down to the root of this elusive ailment, I have concluded that some of the other more prominent Manopause warning symptoms can be Watch How I Can Fart And Pick My Nose Anywhere I Want or Ass Scratching Is My Favorite New Thing to Do in Public.

He has never suffered like this before.

I’m worried.

Should I call the doctor????

What if it gets worse?

I’ve been charting these various symptoms over the last few months and I am now convinced that Manopause can be the only diagnosis.

Think Fox would be interested?

It could be news.

Well, in any event, I feel much better giving it a name because the alternative is well...having to clap for Man Potty.

He’s sick.

So I need to help him.

Anyone have a cure?

Friday, March 12, 2010

What's In Your Wallet?

I think that it is important to remember that every asshole is somebody’s child.

Somebody’s sweet little darling, honey bunny, poopy doopy….Asshole.

And in everyone’s defense, I’m sure that their parents did not intend on raising a big fat asshole.

‘Ah honey, isn’t he sweet? What a big strong asshole he’ll grow up to be one day’.

‘If we save enough money, maybe he can go to Asshole College’

‘Yes girls, that’s my son, isn’t he an asshole? Yup, just like his father.’

No, I will not fight with someone’s baby asshole.

I refuse.

Even if they are in their forties, hold my job in their hands and might or might not be erectiley dysfunctional.

It goes against the rules of the Non-Asshole Association that I work so hard to remain an integral part of.

I'm not getting my card revoked because of some random asshole!

But….. put me in a room loaded with assholes….

Well then I might have to tell them to take their card and shove …


Excuse me.


I will not fight with s someone’s sweet little baby darling asshole.

Not today anyway (-:

So how do you hold on to your card?

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ Vicki @ & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine


Thank you Anat over at for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ and Lisa!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:

The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..

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A Must Read Award

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