Friday, March 12, 2010

What's In Your Wallet?










I think that it is important to remember that every asshole is somebody’s child.


Somebody’s sweet little darling, honey bunny, poopy doopy….Asshole.


And in everyone’s defense, I’m sure that their parents did not intend on raising a big fat asshole.



‘Ah honey, isn’t he sweet? What a big strong asshole he’ll grow up to be one day’.


‘If we save enough money, maybe he can go to Asshole College’


‘Yes girls, that’s my son, isn’t he an asshole? Yup, just like his father.’


No, I will not fight with someone’s baby asshole.


I refuse.


Even if they are in their forties, hold my job in their hands and might or might not be erectiley dysfunctional.


It goes against the rules of the Non-Asshole Association that I work so hard to remain an integral part of.


I'm not getting my card revoked because of some random asshole!


But….. put me in a room loaded with assholes….


Well then I might have to tell them to take their card and shove …


Ahem….


Excuse me.


No.


I will not fight with s someone’s sweet little baby darling asshole.


Not today anyway (-:


So how do you hold on to your card?

56 comments:

Alyssa on March 12, 2010 at 4:33 AM said...

Locked in my bedroom, occasional trips to the fridge, refusing to answer the door or the phone--works for me...sometimes...

"I think it's important to remember that every asshole is somebody's child" has to be a new classic. I will definitely try to keep this sage advice in mind. Thank you. Really. Thank you.

Tamara on March 12, 2010 at 4:41 AM said...

I'm gonna have to remember this one...especially right before I'm about to blow on the "asshole". Just grit your teeth and smile, kill them with kindness. lol

Riding the Roller Coaster on March 12, 2010 at 4:44 AM said...

I agree wotj Alyssa...that line is definitely a classic.

How do I hold on to my card? I've learned from my daughter. Just stick your fingers in your ears because, after all, if you can't hear it, it wasn't said.

Menopausal New Mom on March 12, 2010 at 5:03 AM said...

Every asshole is somebody's child. Classic, makes you wonder if it runs in families, I had never given that any thought before but will definitely start looking for trends.

Joann Mannix on March 12, 2010 at 5:22 AM said...

"What a big strong asshole he'll grow up to be..." I am snorting.

Sorry you have to deal with one of these.

I had a boss one time, who was beyond an asshole, far, far beyond. I won't go into it, but suffice to say, it was before the days that women really felt they had the world behind them when it came to sexual harassment. And that was just the first of his issues. It was tortuous working for him, but I had no choice. Good money. I finally learned to stop letting him get to me. I'd just shut down when he turned his douchebagginess towards me. It seemed to take the fun out of things for him, not to be able to get a reaction.

The wine helped, too.

inannasstar on March 12, 2010 at 5:41 AM said...

I try to be a "flipper" and get them to come to my side by exposing their asshole ways. Does it always work? Nope. Does it sometimes work? Yup.

Katherine on March 12, 2010 at 5:54 AM said...

I just keep my mouth shut. And then I tell my kids about them later. Makes me feel better. But I have to change the word for them - it is usually someone's jerk. I'm thinking the parents of these folks made from the same mold. The AH doesn't fall far from the tree!

Daffy on March 12, 2010 at 5:55 AM said...

Ummm....I think you just chastised me?!?

I try not to fight with assholes....usually its a shitty outcome.

Hmmm....guess I'm going to have to ponder this one for a bit. Good timing....have to drop the kids off at the pool anyway.

Secretia on March 12, 2010 at 5:55 AM said...

I practice ignoring those assholes, but I would not ignore one living in my house!

Secretia

mama-face on March 12, 2010 at 5:58 AM said...

When my children are upset with someone's sweet darling I TRY to remind them and remember myself that they are loved by someone and probably didn't wake up intending to be an a-hole. They are probably a reflection of their a-hole environment. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. And I don't know what the situation is exactly here, so maybe this is just an angry unloved person.

ha. I sound like Mother Teresa! I just TRY to think this way. Sorry to get all serious on you!

:)

Gillian on March 12, 2010 at 6:35 AM said...

Bring out the big guns!

Maureen@IslandRoar on March 12, 2010 at 7:34 AM said...

I hold my tongue. Physically sometimes. Gets easier each year.
And yeah, it runs in families...

Jen on March 12, 2010 at 7:35 AM said...

Asshole College! I know so many people who got their PhD there.

Robin on March 12, 2010 at 7:40 AM said...

OK..I guess I've already lost my card, as I called the hubs an A-hole the other day...yes he is someones baby...and acts a such...!!..So whats in my wallet now..?...many many more cards....two for each day of the week, just in case..I mean I do meet a lot of A-hole's, and cards are a dime a dozen..sorry I guess Im a Non-Asshole Association..big FAIL this week...can I try again next week..?...your wit is endless..Thanks..!

Captain Dumbass on March 12, 2010 at 9:17 AM said...

I think parents should be held responsible for their little assholes.

BugginWord on March 12, 2010 at 9:43 AM said...

I'm a pristine totem of purity. I don't even know what an asshole is.

Linda Medrano on March 12, 2010 at 9:56 AM said...

Even if you go to Asshole College, you could still end up in Asshole Prison. Thank you for a sterling article.

ReformingGeek on March 12, 2010 at 10:03 AM said...

I wish I were better at holding my card.

Another way to say is that "we are one". That's a bit scary because sometimes I don't want that asshole to be part of anything.

I like to vent about them, though. That usually helps....until the Hubby starts rolling his eyes. ;-)

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick on March 12, 2010 at 10:25 AM said...

"erectiley dysfunctional." :D Good one!

AmyLK on March 12, 2010 at 11:04 AM said...

I let the judge tell the A/H that he's wrong. It never gets old either!

Michele on March 12, 2010 at 11:58 AM said...

Okay, seriously...
"every asshole is somebody's child"

Classic YOU!!!
Oh, how i've missed you ;)

My ex's asshole card is platinum!!!

Unknown Mami on March 12, 2010 at 12:09 PM said...

I feel all warm and fuzzy inside because I know I'm someone's asshole.

Swati on March 12, 2010 at 1:23 PM said...

LOL!
See I get by because if it's your ex, you get all sorts of exemptions and triple bonus points. It's in the fine print. Once I almost lost my card when I quit my job - but because I left, I was allowed to keep my card.
I really do think there;s an A-HOLE factory out there by the way. And it seems to be supremely efficient.
Swati

Coffeypot on March 12, 2010 at 2:05 PM said...

In a room full of them, it usually means you are in a meeting at work or in church so I just sit with a blank face or a smile whil I think of silly things to do to them. Especially in church when I have this desire to shout out your full of shit. But I don't. I just have a good time in my head.

Amanda on March 12, 2010 at 2:32 PM said...

Just reading, hearing or saying the word "asshole" makes me gag a little. The image of a giant hairy asshole is floating around in my head now.

It doesn't help that my cat's stinky asshole is lying right next to me.

Sheila Sultani on March 12, 2010 at 2:58 PM said...

Asshole college? Isn't that a boys only school? I graduated from their sister school Bitch Academy.

Tiffany on March 12, 2010 at 6:15 PM said...

the phrase 'baby ass-hole' oddly makes me feel rather dirty.

Jack and Alex Manning on March 12, 2010 at 6:20 PM said...

I think about this a lot - every jerk I see in the news, on the street, on my doorstep. Since I became a mom I think of them all as being someone's baby - I have a soft spot for most of them combined with a terrible fear of what my kids will be like as adults... I mean, I'm doing my best, and they're sweet as pie, but I'm sure that jerk's mom thought that too...

Great blog - I'm not sure why I haven't been here sooner. Thank goodness for the link round up :).

Peryl (I'm here: http://blog.seattlepi.com/parentingadabsurdum/ - login is an old blog.)

Noelle on March 12, 2010 at 6:39 PM said...

I'm tryin' hard to keep my card, too. It's definitely not easy...glad you made it seem funny! Might as well laugh as cry, right?

Ocean Girl on March 12, 2010 at 7:26 PM said...

Everybody loves somebody, every asshole loves some asshole..la di da.

Deb on March 12, 2010 at 8:18 PM said...

I work with an asshole (don't we all?). She has been reassigned to a different office (yay!). She said to me, "At least don't do the happy dance before I leave". I said, "Pffft. Nothing's forever. You'll be back."

Hopefully once she figured out what I said, I pissed her off just a tad more than she does me.

My name is PJ. on March 13, 2010 at 3:50 AM said...

CARD??!! WHAT CARD??!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO HOLD ONTO A CARD??!! WHEN THEY CAME TO THE HOUSE (YEARS AGO) TO REPOSSESS IT, THAT WAS A BAD
THING?!!

Uh-oh.

♥ Braja on March 13, 2010 at 5:38 AM said...

I knew I was in the right place....
:)

Ziva on March 13, 2010 at 10:39 AM said...

If all assholes are somebody's child, and some assholes are somebody's father, and every child has a father and an asshole - is everyone an asshole?

Lauren on March 13, 2010 at 10:56 AM said...

Ah! The asshole, Genus Asinenus, indigenous to most regions of the world, often found in business offices goofing off by the water cooler or coffee machine during a looming deadline.

Also, prevalent in supermarkets and department stores, usually located at the front of a long line engaged in useless banter about inconsequential issues, like finding a blotch on a price tag that has nothing to do with the piece of clothing or the price.

Sophia's Mom on March 13, 2010 at 12:35 PM said...

I've been on probation for the past 5 years! You would be surprised to learn how understanding the guys at the Non_Asshole association really are!

Mandeek @ 4 Quarters of Me on March 13, 2010 at 4:18 PM said...

What card... ;)

Tracie on March 13, 2010 at 8:12 PM said...

Is there an Asshole Scholarship for Asshole College? Could save me a lot of money if a few years. :)

Brahm on March 14, 2010 at 8:00 AM said...

I try to ignore the asshole, sometimes I fail, they seem to be everywhere more and more --- is there a secret society? Are they like the "V" aliens and taking over secretly?

Eff it, I have no card -- tell them off!!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on March 14, 2010 at 8:01 PM said...

I'm also with Alyssa. You've definitely created a new classic line that is going to stick in my head for a long LONG time. That and blogasm. That's still got me going.

Me-Me King on March 15, 2010 at 5:14 AM said...

I saw this recently.....

In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss People Off,
Complete Asinine, Juvenile Behavior, and Total Dedication to Selfish-
Personal Gain Without Regards to the Many Hardships that You have
Inflicted Upon Friends, Family and Others Throughout Your Lifetime...
You Have Become a Legend in Your Own Mind, Asshole!

hypermom on March 15, 2010 at 5:44 AM said...

I refuse to acknowledge their presence! Mwahahaha

Eternally Distracted on March 15, 2010 at 6:57 AM said...

Ignore, ignore, ignore... and then blog about it!!

Yankee Girl on March 15, 2010 at 12:59 PM said...

Ignoring really is the only way...except that assholes don't usually care when they are ignored!

Ugh!

And I think assholes are born that way.

Buggys on March 15, 2010 at 1:36 PM said...

Lost my card...I have no self restraint when it comes to assholes.

adiaha on March 15, 2010 at 3:02 PM said...

"If you touch my child in her private parts ever again, I will whoop your ass!"

Lost my card and will continue to do so because there are so many people who refuse to parent their children. If you don't I will and then the police will!

tattytiara on March 15, 2010 at 10:42 PM said...

It helps when you come from a family of assholes. You learn early that even though it takes a bit more effort, you can love them too.

That said my application for the card was denied.

The Absence of Alternatives on March 16, 2010 at 3:50 AM said...

"every asshole is somebody’s child"

So true. So true. It does help give you a totally different perspective.

Show Me Mama on March 16, 2010 at 7:08 AM said...

Your absolutely right about this sentence " every asshole is somebody's child" no doubt about that. :) I am your new follower from MBC (FFF)

MommaKiss on March 16, 2010 at 7:18 AM said...

I don't fight with assholes. They're stinky. And it's never going to get me laid. So yah - I just move on.

JennyMac on March 16, 2010 at 8:24 AM said...

"every ahole is someones child" HAHAHA...so true. And hysterical. This post cracked me up.

Miss Spoken on March 16, 2010 at 1:56 PM said...

In a word: vodka

J. L. W. on March 16, 2010 at 2:11 PM said...

Hehe. Nope. So. Not. Worth. It. But I must say, I want one of those cards.

marymac on March 17, 2010 at 5:42 AM said...

I don't think assholes have parents. I think we were hatched from magical asshole-unicorn eggs. ;)

Lluvia on March 17, 2010 at 3:56 PM said...

aw man!! my BFF is currently raising one of these "assholes".

Sabreena on March 18, 2010 at 8:57 AM said...

My sister in law has an asshole in training right now and I simply trip or clothes line her indiscreetly when she runs by. Then I comment on what a clutz she is while my SIL comforts her. Hit my child will you? Not when I'm around. I think the cheap shots revoked my card a few years ago

**just kidding about the physical abuse so everyone can call CPS back and tell them it was all a big misunderstanding.

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