Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hello Oprah?









UGGGHHHH!!! That’s disgusting!” I screech at my husband.


Wha?” He casually drawls out while pulling up his pants “All men do it”.


I’ve told my husband a million times not to exaggerate.


That being said, I think he has Manopause.


It’s true.


The last-straw symptom of this horrible male disease is charging out of the bathroom like Superman out of a phone booth and proudly announcing the size of his latest turd


...right down to the last micro-inch as if discovering the cure for world hunger.


And when he just stands there after this enlightening proclamation waiting for applause for his Man-Potty….well, sorry to say, you know he’s doomed.


Drilling down to the root of this elusive ailment, I have concluded that some of the other more prominent Manopause warning symptoms can be Watch How I Can Fart And Pick My Nose Anywhere I Want or Ass Scratching Is My Favorite New Thing to Do in Public.


He has never suffered like this before.


I’m worried.


Should I call the doctor????


What if it gets worse?


I’ve been charting these various symptoms over the last few months and I am now convinced that Manopause can be the only diagnosis.


Think Fox would be interested?


It could be news.


Well, in any event, I feel much better giving it a name because the alternative is well...having to clap for Man Potty.


He’s sick.


So I need to help him.


Anyone have a cure?

57 comments:

Dual Mom on March 16, 2010 at 5:01 PM said...

I'll say it again, it's nothing that can't be cured with a shovel, shallow hole and a good ole' fashion bag of quick lime.

Menopausal New Mom on March 16, 2010 at 5:06 PM said...

I like Dual Mom's advice although I'd probably just go out shopping as my way of getting over it, away from it and best of all, getting even.

Noelle on March 16, 2010 at 5:10 PM said...

i like dual mom's answer. i am so over the whole farting and thinking it's funny game. not funny. neither is looking in the toilet so i can admire how big his turd is. what is WRONG with them?! how and when did that become funny?!

The Boob Nazi on March 16, 2010 at 5:16 PM said...

Trademark the word "manopause," please.

ReformingGeek on March 16, 2010 at 5:23 PM said...

Ew. My Hubby announced one day that it WAS NOT OK to discuss a friend's stomach problems at the table. I said the expected "OK" and "Yes, Dear" only to realize the following week we were discussing HIS stomach problems at the table in much more detail.

Sheesh! Whatever.

Jen on March 16, 2010 at 5:25 PM said...

I clap, it's just habit.

Coffeypot on March 16, 2010 at 5:36 PM said...

What's the problem? I name my huge turds and bless them with the crossing as the Catholics do as I bid it farewell. And there is something so liberating in farting and scratching in public. It is a statement, “I am MAN, hear me roar - and scratch and pick and spit.” I t is the mark of maturity that them male half as come into his own. Way to do, hubby dude. (standing and applauding and saluting)

B Sparkly on March 16, 2010 at 5:40 PM said...

You to!!! I’m sooo relived I’m not the only one….My hubby calls me in to see his latest creation…like what I’m suppose to do give in award of sort?! Some will say boys will be boys
Anat

Daffy on March 16, 2010 at 6:22 PM said...

I read Dual Mom's comment and...well...I've got nothing....she wins

Jayne Martin on March 16, 2010 at 6:31 PM said...

Ah, yes... So many reasons why I'm single. ;)

Katherine on March 16, 2010 at 6:57 PM said...

Oh, men are fascinated with the size of their poop from the get-go. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "MOM! MOM! I just took the BIGGEST DUMP!"

Buggys on March 16, 2010 at 7:21 PM said...

It's his mother's fault! She obviously applauded every itty bitty thing he did as a child and now, he's reverting.

Ziva on March 17, 2010 at 1:16 AM said...

Yuck! Something went seriously wrong when the Y chromosome decided to play along. Men are freaks.

My name is PJ. on March 17, 2010 at 1:54 AM said...

No cure. It does get worse. Joy! Rapture! The good news is that the manifestations are intermittent in nature, so you get a break! Pheww!

Boys have cooties.

My name is PJ. on March 17, 2010 at 1:56 AM said...

Oh - and Fox News would only be interested in it if they could say that Obama was responsible.

♥ Braja on March 17, 2010 at 3:30 AM said...

I'm happy to say I have absolutely NO comment on that one....

:)

Moooooog35 on March 17, 2010 at 5:12 AM said...

That's not Manopause.

It's instinct.

Simply Suthern on March 17, 2010 at 5:34 AM said...

I am sure he would argue one point that you made. He ain't suffering from it, You are. LOL

Robin on March 17, 2010 at 5:48 AM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alyssa on March 17, 2010 at 6:43 AM said...

There IS a cure for manopause: an affair.

It won't change his behavior, but really, who the hell will care?

Robin on March 17, 2010 at 7:07 AM said...

Men always think that size matters...??..I am sooo glad that we are not the only family who has this problem...my hubs goes a step further though and photographs it if Im not home..."because I would never believe him"...we even have a pic saved on the computer..I know NASTY...Ewwww..!!..Hey, ya want to see it...?..Naaa..Lololol...I love Manopause..It goes really well with my CMS.."Constant Manstral Syndrome"..only my hubs has always had it...its certainly nothing new...Mmmm, A cure...Exlax in the brownies...that way they cant check the size..EnJoY YoUr DaY, Melyssa..!

BLOGitse on March 17, 2010 at 7:29 AM said...

This is easy. No cure help because I don't understand what you're writing about.
Maybe it's me who needs a doctor? Language doctor!
BLOGitse

Tiffany on March 17, 2010 at 7:45 AM said...

so. freaking. gross.

fox news would totally be into it.

BugginWord on March 17, 2010 at 8:29 AM said...

I think I'm going through manopause. Is that possible? Maybe it was all that cabbage I ate last night.

Aunt Becky on March 17, 2010 at 8:39 AM said...

He is so reverting. Daver is too. We should run away together, clearly.

Me-Me King on March 17, 2010 at 8:49 AM said...

OMG!!! Yet, another reason I have remained single.


Well, you looked didn't you?

J. L. W. on March 17, 2010 at 8:50 AM said...

A cure? Maybe show him this post and announce, "does this sound like you?" The printed word may jolt him out of manopause. If not, there is always Dr. Phil.

Linda Medrano on March 17, 2010 at 9:25 AM said...

My first husband did that. He was only 22 so it wasn't manopause. I divorced him, but not only because of that. Then I had a boyfriend who was in his 50's (I was in my 30's at the time - tramp, I know). He would light a match and fart so the flame would flare. He really thought that would entertain me. That was a case of manopause I'm sure. I thought about making him some almond scented biscuits, (more subtle that the shovel) but just broke up with him instead. Now with your otherwise perfectly good husband, I think you need to shop more and forget about it. Perfectly good husbands don't grow on trees.

The girl with the flour in her hair on March 17, 2010 at 10:53 AM said...

I have many complaints about my husband, but thankfully we've never discussed the size of his feces. Thanks be to the powers that be for small favors.

Dual mom is a wise, wise woman.

Wild and Precious on March 17, 2010 at 11:27 AM said...

saw your comment on Let's have a Cocktail and thought I'd pop over to say hi! so glad i did!

i'd love for you to visit my blog too! I have a giveaway going on that I think you might like.

Tracie on March 17, 2010 at 12:35 PM said...

Divorce seems a viable option around here on 5 out of 7 days.

Debbie on March 17, 2010 at 1:08 PM said...

I really don't like the way that bathroom habits become free discussion once people hit a certain age. I like it even less when men of any age do it:)

Joann Mannix on March 17, 2010 at 2:45 PM said...

This is not a manopause problem in my house. This has been a wholemarriedlife problem. And also, we have one of those bathrooms where you can close the door to the toilet area. Why, oh why, will he not close that door? Does anyone know? I tell him all the time, some things married people should NEVER share. He's so proud of himself every time he's on that toilet. Like he's 2 again and his mommy is potty training him. "Look I made a doody!" It is ungodly I tell you.

Nezzy on March 17, 2010 at 2:48 PM said...

Probably not Fox worthy but baby I'd keep a plunger handy!!! Heeeheehe!

Have a wonderful day!!!

Confessions From A Working Mom on March 17, 2010 at 4:53 PM said...

I am very lucky that my hubby has always kept his bathroom-going-ons to himself. That said, he will fart any time any where without any caution as to who could be around to smell it!

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

TheCheckoutGirl on March 17, 2010 at 6:57 PM said...

My solution included a courtroom and changing my last name. Most days I don't recommend it but, you know, poop might change my mind.

Lauren on March 17, 2010 at 7:52 PM said...

I'm still laughing. Last night my husband left a haunting aroma in the downstairs bathroom that took on a life of its own. My son turned on the fan and opened every window, leaving me shivering and gagging simultaneously. Happily, my husband didn't take a picture of his masterpiece and post it on his Facebook page.

Andrea (ace1028) on March 17, 2010 at 8:51 PM said...

Oh. Ew. :( Sorry to hear that. Men.

Hmph!

Ian on March 18, 2010 at 5:06 AM said...

Alright.

Since I see that there's ZERO input from the male crowd (what, am I the only male follower?), I must digress.

Announcing the size of one's turd, smelling the entire bedroom, bathroom, and for that matter the entire floor is a show of love.

That and whoever is doing the cooking in the house is going one fine job ;)

just sayin

Ocean Girl on March 18, 2010 at 6:08 AM said...

This is complicated.

Sabreena on March 18, 2010 at 8:51 AM said...

No help here. Mine also descibes every turd in detail and has a knack for overly thorough ball scratchin. I think it's a form of regression.

drollgirl on March 18, 2010 at 12:36 PM said...

um, that is pretty much REVOLTING!!!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on March 18, 2010 at 3:58 PM said...

Manopause. Blogasm. How DO you do it, Mrs. Blogalot? Seriously? I am dying here. And I think your husband and mine could be best friends.

PS. I am overwhelmed with joy that you chose my bloggy for your must read award this week. Like seriously blown away. Thank you. You are the greatest. XOXOXOX

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on March 18, 2010 at 11:53 PM said...

One more thing!! Just after I finished reading this, my husband came home and told me that he found out that they have video cams set up at his job. Turns out he's been picking his nose and scratching his butt while on the job and the owners have been watching him all the time. I told him it was his own fault for being so grody. But I guess he's not going to get fired. Cuz if he was, it would've happened a long time ago. I told him that it was all part of his slow descent into MANOPAUSE.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick on March 19, 2010 at 5:09 AM said...

Ew. My husband doesn't do this. I'm so grateful. I guess I'm the only one going through a 'pause around here.

MommaKiss on March 19, 2010 at 8:48 AM said...

Men. Can't really live w/ them, can't just outright kill them. Good thing they're cute and sexy - or what would we need them for? Surely NOT poop pictures.

Swati on March 19, 2010 at 12:53 PM said...

Hmm, let's see when my kid did this at age 3, I let her eat as many M&Ms as she wanted because she was getting the hang of the potty and I was so happy about it....so, out of intellectual curiosity, I think you should hand him a pound bag of M&M's every time he comes out and see what happens (she did stop talking about her poopies, but it took another 2 months) :-0.
Swati

Andrea on March 19, 2010 at 5:15 PM said...

Ask him if he wants some kind of prize like a piece of candy. That's what I did with my kids when potty training.

Fragrant Liar on March 20, 2010 at 8:51 PM said...

Sorry to tell you this, but it's his job. He has a penis, about which everything comes down to size (or UP to?), and so when he drops the biggest kid off at the pool, he's gonna get excited that once again he's got the biggest one in town. Just make sure he flushes, and it'll all go away.

Until the next time. Sorry.

Lluvia on March 20, 2010 at 9:07 PM said...

LMAO!!! I'm so glad Hubby doesn't do that! I can't even stand the smell of my own sh*t, much less someone else's! My baby is almost 6 months old, and I still gag once in a while when I change her diaper.

Unknown Mami on March 21, 2010 at 7:29 PM said...

My husband once to a picture of his turd and texted it to some friends. He's classy like that.

Katie on March 22, 2010 at 8:24 PM said...

OMG..that brings back memories of my father and 2 brothers..lol Their crowning achievement was the DQ Twist and one of my brothers scoarched my wall lighting farts..he was 25 at the time.

I thank God everyday that the hubby is not like that...thats probably why I picked him! Great post

AmandaK on March 23, 2010 at 2:37 PM said...

Well, I must admit... you made me rethink my whole "My husband is a disgusting pig" agenda. You make my husband look like Mona Friggin Lisa! *wink, wink*

I don't know what to tell ya, other than men are pigs. I know it's a cliche, but cliche or not, it is all too true.

My sister-in-law's boyfriend just recently pulled the "pull my finger" gag on her and he is only 31. More like 31 going on 71 HA!

The Absence of Alternatives on March 25, 2010 at 7:32 AM said...

Take a picture of it and put it on his Facebook page! At least that's what I did when my son's eh droppings clogged the toilet bowl for the umpteenth time. Ugh.

He is lucky you have a powerful toilet flush otherwise he wouldn't be so happy with the size of it. Just sayin' Perhaps you can turn off the water in the toilet water closet?

Chances are he does not have one since men, married men, are asocial (I wonder whether it has something with since they are getting IT or have no hope of getting IT from someone else they no longer need to put themselves out there, be nice...) Take a picture of it and print it out and put it on his windshield.

Ji on April 5, 2010 at 6:09 AM said...

creative writing!

Ji on April 5, 2010 at 6:09 AM said...

http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/easter-sunday-awards-to-fill-your-basket/

Happy Belated Easter!

Heather on April 7, 2010 at 8:42 AM said...

Wow, men never get tired of talking about poop and such do they?! I dont get it. Seriously....can't handle it. Thanks for stopping by! You get an A + for being hilarious!

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