“UGGGHHHH!!! That’s disgusting!” I screech at my husband.
“Wha?” He casually drawls out while pulling up his pants “All men do it”.
I’ve told my husband a million times not to exaggerate.
That being said, I think he has Manopause.
It’s true.
The last-straw symptom of this horrible male disease is charging out of the bathroom like Superman out of a phone booth and proudly announcing the size of his latest turd –
...right down to the last micro-inch as if discovering the cure for world hunger.
And when he just stands there after this enlightening proclamation waiting for applause for his Man-Potty….well, sorry to say, you know he’s doomed.
Drilling down to the root of this elusive ailment, I have concluded that some of the other more prominent Manopause warning symptoms can be Watch How I Can Fart And Pick My Nose Anywhere I Want or Ass Scratching Is My Favorite New Thing to Do in Public.
He has never suffered like this before.
I’m worried.
Should I call the doctor????
What if it gets worse?
I’ve been charting these various symptoms over the last few months and I am now convinced that Manopause can be the only diagnosis.
Think Fox would be interested?
It could be news.
Well, in any event, I feel much better giving it a name because the alternative is well...having to clap for Man Potty.
He’s sick.
So I need to help him.
Anyone have a cure?
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55 comments:
I'll say it again, it's nothing that can't be cured with a shovel, shallow hole and a good ole' fashion bag of quick lime.
I like Dual Mom's advice although I'd probably just go out shopping as my way of getting over it, away from it and best of all, getting even.
i like dual mom's answer. i am so over the whole farting and thinking it's funny game. not funny. neither is looking in the toilet so i can admire how big his turd is. what is WRONG with them?! how and when did that become funny?!
Trademark the word "manopause," please.
Ew. My Hubby announced one day that it WAS NOT OK to discuss a friend's stomach problems at the table. I said the expected "OK" and "Yes, Dear" only to realize the following week we were discussing HIS stomach problems at the table in much more detail.
Sheesh! Whatever.
I clap, it's just habit.
What's the problem? I name my huge turds and bless them with the crossing as the Catholics do as I bid it farewell. And there is something so liberating in farting and scratching in public. It is a statement, “I am MAN, hear me roar - and scratch and pick and spit.” I t is the mark of maturity that them male half as come into his own. Way to do, hubby dude. (standing and applauding and saluting)
You to!!! I’m sooo relived I’m not the only one….My hubby calls me in to see his latest creation…like what I’m suppose to do give in award of sort?! Some will say boys will be boys
Anat
I read Dual Mom's comment and...well...I've got nothing....she wins
Ah, yes... So many reasons why I'm single. ;)
Oh, men are fascinated with the size of their poop from the get-go. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "MOM! MOM! I just took the BIGGEST DUMP!"
It's his mother's fault! She obviously applauded every itty bitty thing he did as a child and now, he's reverting.
Yuck! Something went seriously wrong when the Y chromosome decided to play along. Men are freaks.
No cure. It does get worse. Joy! Rapture! The good news is that the manifestations are intermittent in nature, so you get a break! Pheww!
Boys have cooties.
Oh - and Fox News would only be interested in it if they could say that Obama was responsible.
I'm happy to say I have absolutely NO comment on that one....
:)
That's not Manopause.
It's instinct.
I am sure he would argue one point that you made. He ain't suffering from it, You are. LOL
There IS a cure for manopause: an affair.
It won't change his behavior, but really, who the hell will care?
Men always think that size matters...??..I am sooo glad that we are not the only family who has this problem...my hubs goes a step further though and photographs it if Im not home..."because I would never believe him"...we even have a pic saved on the computer..I know NASTY...Ewwww..!!..Hey, ya want to see it...?..Naaa..Lololol...I love Manopause..It goes really well with my CMS.."Constant Manstral Syndrome"..only my hubs has always had it...its certainly nothing new...Mmmm, A cure...Exlax in the brownies...that way they cant check the size..EnJoY YoUr DaY, Melyssa..!
This is easy. No cure help because I don't understand what you're writing about.
Maybe it's me who needs a doctor? Language doctor!
BLOGitse
so. freaking. gross.
fox news would totally be into it.
I think I'm going through manopause. Is that possible? Maybe it was all that cabbage I ate last night.
He is so reverting. Daver is too. We should run away together, clearly.
OMG!!! Yet, another reason I have remained single.
Well, you looked didn't you?
A cure? Maybe show him this post and announce, "does this sound like you?" The printed word may jolt him out of manopause. If not, there is always Dr. Phil.
My first husband did that. He was only 22 so it wasn't manopause. I divorced him, but not only because of that. Then I had a boyfriend who was in his 50's (I was in my 30's at the time - tramp, I know). He would light a match and fart so the flame would flare. He really thought that would entertain me. That was a case of manopause I'm sure. I thought about making him some almond scented biscuits, (more subtle that the shovel) but just broke up with him instead. Now with your otherwise perfectly good husband, I think you need to shop more and forget about it. Perfectly good husbands don't grow on trees.
saw your comment on Let's have a Cocktail and thought I'd pop over to say hi! so glad i did!
i'd love for you to visit my blog too! I have a giveaway going on that I think you might like.
Divorce seems a viable option around here on 5 out of 7 days.
I really don't like the way that bathroom habits become free discussion once people hit a certain age. I like it even less when men of any age do it:)
This is not a manopause problem in my house. This has been a wholemarriedlife problem. And also, we have one of those bathrooms where you can close the door to the toilet area. Why, oh why, will he not close that door? Does anyone know? I tell him all the time, some things married people should NEVER share. He's so proud of himself every time he's on that toilet. Like he's 2 again and his mommy is potty training him. "Look I made a doody!" It is ungodly I tell you.
Probably not Fox worthy but baby I'd keep a plunger handy!!! Heeeheehe!
Have a wonderful day!!!
I am very lucky that my hubby has always kept his bathroom-going-ons to himself. That said, he will fart any time any where without any caution as to who could be around to smell it!
~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom
My solution included a courtroom and changing my last name. Most days I don't recommend it but, you know, poop might change my mind.
I'm still laughing. Last night my husband left a haunting aroma in the downstairs bathroom that took on a life of its own. My son turned on the fan and opened every window, leaving me shivering and gagging simultaneously. Happily, my husband didn't take a picture of his masterpiece and post it on his Facebook page.
Oh. Ew. :( Sorry to hear that. Men.
Hmph!
Alright.
Since I see that there's ZERO input from the male crowd (what, am I the only male follower?), I must digress.
Announcing the size of one's turd, smelling the entire bedroom, bathroom, and for that matter the entire floor is a show of love.
That and whoever is doing the cooking in the house is going one fine job ;)
just sayin
This is complicated.
No help here. Mine also descibes every turd in detail and has a knack for overly thorough ball scratchin. I think it's a form of regression.
um, that is pretty much REVOLTING!!!
Manopause. Blogasm. How DO you do it, Mrs. Blogalot? Seriously? I am dying here. And I think your husband and mine could be best friends.
PS. I am overwhelmed with joy that you chose my bloggy for your must read award this week. Like seriously blown away. Thank you. You are the greatest. XOXOXOX
One more thing!! Just after I finished reading this, my husband came home and told me that he found out that they have video cams set up at his job. Turns out he's been picking his nose and scratching his butt while on the job and the owners have been watching him all the time. I told him it was his own fault for being so grody. But I guess he's not going to get fired. Cuz if he was, it would've happened a long time ago. I told him that it was all part of his slow descent into MANOPAUSE.
Ew. My husband doesn't do this. I'm so grateful. I guess I'm the only one going through a 'pause around here.
Men. Can't really live w/ them, can't just outright kill them. Good thing they're cute and sexy - or what would we need them for? Surely NOT poop pictures.
Hmm, let's see when my kid did this at age 3, I let her eat as many M&Ms as she wanted because she was getting the hang of the potty and I was so happy about it....so, out of intellectual curiosity, I think you should hand him a pound bag of M&M's every time he comes out and see what happens (she did stop talking about her poopies, but it took another 2 months) :-0.
Swati
Ask him if he wants some kind of prize like a piece of candy. That's what I did with my kids when potty training.
Sorry to tell you this, but it's his job. He has a penis, about which everything comes down to size (or UP to?), and so when he drops the biggest kid off at the pool, he's gonna get excited that once again he's got the biggest one in town. Just make sure he flushes, and it'll all go away.
Until the next time. Sorry.
LMAO!!! I'm so glad Hubby doesn't do that! I can't even stand the smell of my own sh*t, much less someone else's! My baby is almost 6 months old, and I still gag once in a while when I change her diaper.
My husband once to a picture of his turd and texted it to some friends. He's classy like that.
OMG..that brings back memories of my father and 2 brothers..lol Their crowning achievement was the DQ Twist and one of my brothers scoarched my wall lighting farts..he was 25 at the time.
I thank God everyday that the hubby is not like that...thats probably why I picked him! Great post
Well, I must admit... you made me rethink my whole "My husband is a disgusting pig" agenda. You make my husband look like Mona Friggin Lisa! *wink, wink*
I don't know what to tell ya, other than men are pigs. I know it's a cliche, but cliche or not, it is all too true.
My sister-in-law's boyfriend just recently pulled the "pull my finger" gag on her and he is only 31. More like 31 going on 71 HA!
Take a picture of it and put it on his Facebook page! At least that's what I did when my son's eh droppings clogged the toilet bowl for the umpteenth time. Ugh.
He is lucky you have a powerful toilet flush otherwise he wouldn't be so happy with the size of it. Just sayin' Perhaps you can turn off the water in the toilet water closet?
Chances are he does not have one since men, married men, are asocial (I wonder whether it has something with since they are getting IT or have no hope of getting IT from someone else they no longer need to put themselves out there, be nice...) Take a picture of it and print it out and put it on his windshield.
creative writing!
Wow, men never get tired of talking about poop and such do they?! I dont get it. Seriously....can't handle it. Thanks for stopping by! You get an A + for being hilarious!
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