Monday, May 31, 2010

Green Jello

I went to the movies.

And now I'm mad.

I cut my hair a few months ago thinking that it would be the more “age appropriate” thing to do and then WTF happens?......

I’ll tell you what happened….

Oh, I’ll tell you alright…

F*^ken Brooke Shields has to go and make me look like an old-aged-appropriate-shoulder length piece of dung that’s what!

Her and that still long hair of hers.

I mean, could she look any more gorgeous?


At this age…our age???

Do me a favor Lagoon girl; stop shoving how well you are aging up my nostrils. The jealousy is eating straight through the nose hairs right up to my brain.

And my brain can’t take much more. Trust me.

…I’m watching the movie….looking…squinting even for any imperfection.

ANY imperfection AT ALL.

Surely the big screen can be unkind to you at some brightly lit angle?

Awww common man!

Give me a break!

Didn’t you put us through enough in the 80’s?

Didn’t I even do the big eyebrows thing in a supreme gesture of flattering imitation way back when?

Must you make my midlife miserable too?

And why can you still pull off those eyebrows post 1982 while I, on the other hand, must fight daily with a tweezers?

Jeeeez! Go put on some Calvins that don’t fit you anymore...break a nail...something.



Oh well….

If I overdose on Miracle Grow, somebody call 911 k?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Hand Jive

So I’m driving to work the other day and some yokel on a motorcycle in front of me lifts up his left arm, bends it and just holds it in place…

Power to the People?

Heil Hitler??

What the fu…I’ll run you right off the road you asshead mother fu…

Oh…. it’s a hand signal.

My rage is somewhat dissipated and lost in the wonderment that anyone still uses hand signals these days as I continue to watch the arm show.

A little down the road, he sticks his left arm straight out….and just keeps it there.

Okay, either start the Fosse routine pal or shut the hell up.

Finally the turn is made.

Sheesh….all this anticipation for a measly left turn.

Imagine if he had to scratch his ass too?

Then comes the red light….




Now I’m all disappointed that he’s not giving me full on jazz hands while waiting for the light to turn green.

Oh wait….here’s something….

His left hand is waving erratically…

Is he having a seizer or something? It’s been a while since I spoke this language.

I’m a little rusty.

Wow, look at that left hand go.

This guy’s a real hand talker.

Oh…wait...I get it now; he’s waving me to go ahead of him.

I might get to work on time yet.

So I roll up slowly ahead because I always have to see the person who causes me aggravation…It’s not enough that I get to pass him; I have to give them the evil eye first.

It’s in the Road-Rage hand book in case you didn’t know.

So I look over and what do I see?

The cutest little grandma wearing a Harley helmet!

Awwwww how cute, she’s driving motorcycle!!

The guy behind me beeps and screams for me to hurry the hell up.

I turn and give him the finger.

Take that Mr.Turd Signal!

Hey, this hand stuff really works!

I wonder why did we ever stopped?


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Duck Trek

When I was about ten years old I heard the term bleeding heart. I didn’t know what it meant other than some possible bad medical condition that went far beyond my young comprehension level.

As I grew up, this phrase was tossed at me… a lot.


Because I’m like that girl on The New Star Trek TV series (which is now the old New Star Trek TV series) who felt and took on every swirling emotion around her.

I’ve always found it hard to read or listen to sad stories.

The sadness attaches itself and becomes part of me and I can do nothing to stop it.

No amounts of ‘Just let it go’s’ can chase them away until my brain says uncle and gratefully releases the images.

I’m genetically and un-futuristically flawed.

Sue me.

I can remember every bad thing I’ve ever heard on the news and think of them years later when, clearly, they should have been erased by all the daily crap that goes on in my life.

You’d think anyway.

I don’t read the news and I stay away from child horror stories. Those suffocate me the worst.

As you know, most of the time, I can stamp out these images with laughter. Laughter at me, laughter with me…laughter at you…whatever it takes.

It is the best and only way….

For me anyway.

This week, my whole heart went out to a fellow blogger.

This week, I think we all wore her sadness.

And although I do a really good job in keeping my well-worn, emotional cape deep in the coat-check, sometimes it emerges all on its’ own.

Damn lazy Attendants.

Can’t help it. It’s as much a part of my own personal makeup as the laughter.

Daffy, I hope draping some of my random thoughts over your strong shoulders and deep sadness warms you just a little.

We all have you in our hearts.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Depends Anyone?

So here’s what I learned while on vacation:

The world is broken down into two distinctive groups of people:

Oh, how fun!


What damned idiot thought of that crap?

I clearly fall into the latter group as I watch an electric roller coaster car vertically shuttle a brave group of well insured fear factor maniacs high enough to see all of their individual Gods.

And can someone please tell me why are there soooo many Gods and only one devil anyway?

I mean, what if they had to choose up teams for a baseball game or something?

“Okay” Jehovah shouts “I’ll take Allah, Buddha and Jesus. Christ, hurry up will ya, I have to watch my people go knocking on doors”

Devil gives them all the evil eye and Team God captain shouts,

“Well, looks like it’s just you against us again Devil.”

“Hell, I ain’t worried; you guys are all scared to death of me anyway. All I have to do is throw one fire fastball and you preaching pansy asses will go running like bitches under Mother Nature’s skirt”

Way off track.


But I do worry about these things.

Anyway, back up in crap-your-pants-land… you can feel their heartbeats thrumming with fright and anticipation as each drawled out clack clack clack gets higher and higher to the peak of their imminent doom.

OHMYGODS are murmured throughout the crowd of craned necked-onlookers as they silently thank their own higher ups that their feet are firmly planted on concrete and not in some rising death trap.

And then it comes, the well awaited fiercely, dramatic coaster downfall back to earth.

Yeah, you won’t ever catch me on that line.

The other thing I learned while on vacation?

….I am THE biggest white cracker chicken ass you will ever wanna meet.

How about you? Are you a daredevil?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Blog TV

“So how do you know these blog people are real?” my girlfriend asks while flipping the TV channels.

“Real as in how? Like breathing real or word verification real?”

“What if they are lying?”

“Lying about what?”

“What if it’s a trap? You know like an internet scam.”

Mmmmkay. I’m sure every blogger out there wants my three dollars in the bank.

“There’s really no need to lie on a blog. That kind of defeats the whole purpose. They wouldn’t do that.”

“You’re talking about these people like they are real. What’s the matter with you?”

Other than the usual?

“They are real and they are friends.”

“I think you are getting a little carried away with this whole thing. You don’t know who you’re dealing with out there and it could be dangerous”

Is this the same girl who went back with a cheating boyfriend three times? What’s more dangerous than catching crabs?

“There’s really nothing to worry about but I’ll be careful. Don’t worry”

We both turned to look at the television determined to leave it at that.

A few seconds pass.

“Soooo….” She whispers while looking down and toying with the remote “Do they think you’re like…normal?”

“Hell No!” I laugh.

She giggled “And they still come visit you huh?”

“Yup. Just like you pal…just like you”

A good friend that blog-non-understander-hater. (-:

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Out Of The Closet

Hi, I’m Red” the still price-tagged shirt announced after adjusting herself on her hanger “I’m new!”

Heyhowyadoinhowareya” the faded black shirt hung limply on her hanger and grumbled.

“What’s the matter with her?” Red asked.

Slightly-stained-but-nobody-ever-notices-white shirt looked over and said “Aw, don’t mind her, she’s just mad because she’s tired of being worn every other day”.

Red puffed up importantly and replied “Well, no need to worry, I’m here now”.

“Don’t get to cocky there Red” a pair of faded blue tie died jeans called out from the lower rung “I’ve been here since the eighties and haven’t seen the light of day in years.”

“I’m too young to remember the eighties” Red answered “Didn’t you guys have more flair back then?”

“No that was me” A retro pair of slacks from the seventies piped up.

Shhhhhh…here she comes, here she comes” they all whispered.

The closet door opened and they all watched with multi fabric anticipation as she stood perfectly still, eyes darting left then right then left again…

She reaches for the red shirt then changes her mind.

Her hand jumps back to the hanger and stays on it for another second in mid-decision then quickly hooks it back in place.

A swift arm decidedly pulls Black shirt off the hanger and the closet door is closed once again until tomorrow.

What the hell? But I’m NEW!” Red shouts indignantly.

“You may be new sweetheart but you’re not black.” Blue 1991 velvet Christmas shirt enlightens “You were just an impulse buy like the rest of us”.

“I want to go back! Take me back to the store this instant!” Red demanded.

And the next day, that is exactly where she went (-:

Anybody else have their finger on the impulse button?

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ Vicki @ & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine


Thank you Anat over at for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ and Lisa!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:

The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..

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