Friday, January 29, 2010

Never Too Old For A Sticker


My name is Mom and I .....

I am a....

I am an Obsessive Worrying Ass.

My worry today and everyday?......

Not Doing It Right

Perhaps this worry is the reason that I am so nosy observant around other parents.

I eavesdrop pay close attention to them interacting with their kids at a restraining order type distance every opportunity.

Am I doing it right?

As a mother, this question swirls around my heart and head at least fifty-three villion times a day.

Sometimes I am able to lose it amongst all the other worries but some days I can almost feel the weight of the dark red pencil circling over my head marking me for failure.

Have I ruined him for all screeching-hormonal-females everywhere?

How much will he hate me for this when he gets older?

What portion of this can I successfully turn around and blame on my husband?

So many questions.

What I do know is that I am secretly waiting for him to turn to me one day and say

‘Mom, …You know what? You’re doing a really great job with me’

I realize that tears and bribery don't work this might never happen.

But wait for it I do.

Wait and worry.

Is anyone out there ‘doing it right’? in blaming it on your husband?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Sex Ref

Can somebloggy please explain therapy to me?

Therapy as in counseling.

Counseling as in marriage.

Is there anyone else out there who thinks this is the biggest crock of crap?

Let’s be truthful, the only reason people enter marriage counseling is to have someone with a degree in Listening-To-Crap declare you the Right One.

This way you can point the finger and say…See? I told you so. I’m right. You’re an ass. Now change your ways and let’s go home.

Why else would anyone go?

And who the hell wants to listen to the other person’s side anyway? And take mental notes on all the areas that you need to improve on?


If you’re not happy, do you really need to pay someone to tell you this?

Can I do it for half?

Can a highly paid referee really cure the reason you sought out counseling in the first place?

Has marriage counseling really ever worked for anyone?

I guess you can tell by all the question marks that I don’t really believe in marriage counseling.

To be clear,

I think it’s a professional freak show.

Which when televised can be quite entertaining.

But for the record, my husband shares my opinion. And if he didn’t, well…I certainly wouldn’t solicit a paid stranger to help us solve that.

Might as well get us a hooker to do us both by the hour.

Much better investment.

And a much better screw.

Perhaps I need counseling about counseling


….now about that Hooker….

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Now Serving...Celebrating 11 Years!

Because my husband unknowingly willingly takes center stage in so many of my blog ramblings, I thought it would be nice to lay out our little love story… blog style.

Picture it: Mid 1980’s; Hair holding high with Stiff Stuff

About fifteen hairs short of a unibrow and both arms weighed down by seventeen-villion black Madonna rubber bracelets...

But enough about what my husband looked like….

Stop it.

You know it was me.

And unfortunately, so do I.

Pictures don’t lie even if I wanted to.

Be that as it may, he dated me any ‘ole way….for about a minute.

No sex. Nothing hot. Nothing heavy.

Damn it.

But it couldn’t be helped. Because in that brief moment, I remember my inner-self-protection-light blinking contstantly on red alert.

Warning me. Cautioning me …

Do not fall for him…don’t do it…don’t do it ….don’t do it….don’t do it…..

And so….

I didn’t.

Why the caution? Why the alarm? Who knows? But when fate chimes in your ear, it usually works best to listen to it.

Minute over.

Fast forward fifteen or so years later; through the head’s-up of a mutual friend, we meet again.

Happy to see each other with the true warm feeling you get when running into an old friend, we enthusiastically caught up on the decade plus missed.

And why not?

We just drifted apart after that minute and continued on.

Perhaps if sex was involved back then, it might not have been that friendly of a reunion.

Sex screws you sometimes.

But there was never a hard feeling between us.

Damn it.

Our future-moment began as friendly and lighthearted.

A few emails, a couple of games of pool until one day…

It all became more.

Magic comes when you least expect it. And can last as long as you believe.

It came on hard and fast with the power and sizzle of an electrical storm that seared my heart in a way that would make me want to willingly and uncharacteristically give up on my own wholeness and happily become but half of a whole from that point on.

And throughout the years, that magic has held strong with an emotional-glue that I still can’t explain and keeps clinging despite all the deep and unplanned crevices of marriage.

And it has lasted longer than I’d ever dreamed it would.

Over time, sizzling storms lovingly and softly melded into dream sharing and supportive hand holding accompanied by an ongoing celebration of a beautiful child created out of that love.

And now, a revised kind magic has slowly settled its’ way on back to us.

Not as electrically charged or shockingly bright as in the beginning, but a warm safe and secure buzz to be sure.

I could never explain the mystery of fate or the wise old magic that brought us together so many years ago and chose to reunite us again, but it has kept us spell- and determinedly- bound ever since.


Is anyone still there?.......

What? I can do sappy

I Am Not My Lipstick

“Hello. Can I help you find something specific today?” The very young and beautiful cosmetic salesgirl asked while quickly storing away her half eaten bag of potato chips under the counter.

Yes, which way to the miracle aisle?

“Um, I’m not really sure. Just looking for now.”

“I can show you some great new skin care products.”

You think my skin looks like crap. Don’t you?

“Uh... Okay thanks.”

“How about a new chemical peel? It does wonders for age spots and wrinkles.”

You’re gonna get older one day too sister and I hope I’m still alive to revel in your misery.

“Yeah, uh, I guess that would be great. Thanks”

“Have you ever thought of trying some bolder colors of lip gloss and eye shadow?”

Why? To accentuate my wrinkles and age spots?

“Um. No. Not really.”

“Let me show you some shades that would look good with your coloring.”

Note that your ass will fall too.


“Oh yes, these are much better colors for you”

With any luck, you will sprout chin hair

“Yes, I see what you mean”

“There. I think you did great. You are going to love your new makeup look.”

I will now live for the day when those potato chips catch up to your perky helpful ass.

“I’m sure I will. Thanks so much for your help.”

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Aerial View of Insanity

I have some pretty cool peeps up in heaven.

And I can’t help but envision that whenever I press the publish post button on my blog, my long-gone grandfather elbowing my also-gone grandmother and demanding once again to know what the hell is going on down here.

And every so often or after drinking heavily, I fancy myself overhearing a little grandparents-after-death-dialogue going on up there and it goes a little something like this:

“What the hell is she doing now?” My grandfather demands.

My grandmother rolls over (but only half way) and says “It’s a douche post dear”

“A douche post?” Whatever is left of his bushy bushy eyebrows crinkle together in confusion

“What the hell is a douche post I don’t remember any newspaper by that name?”

“Oh go back to your dirt nap dear. Leave her alone. She’s having fun”

My grandmother rocks the grave yo.

A disgruntled harrumph sound escapes from my grandfather's remains “She wasn’t raised like this. This has to be your side of the family”

“OMG, you are such a bone in the mud” (Is my EZ Pass to hell ready for pick up?) “Now for The Big Guy’s sake, please stop rolling, you’re disturbing my peace”

“That husband of hers needs to take her in hand. Is this the kind of thing she is teaching her son to read about…..douches?”

“Please stop saying douches dear. It doesn’t look good on you”

“I’m a damned corpse for chrissake! Nothing looks good on me! Can’t He do something?”

Eternally patient, my grandmother explains “He’s intervened enough. Plagues, pestilence, locustsLady Gaga…she obviously doesn’t want to be stopped and you know how our granddaughter is when she sets her mind to something. And besides, I personally liked the douche post and I know that I saw you smirking at that cute angry turkey one.”

“Well that one was funny... and obviously from my side of the family” He pointed out “But don’t expect me to die again laughing at this one. Douches..... What’s next?”

“Yeast infections, I’d imagine” she smiled angelically “Now please lie down and be still, I’m trying to rest”

Reluctantly he crosses his arms and gives my grandmother the whatever-after life-look before going back to R.I.P. position.

Well this is how it plays in my head anyway.

It makes me smile to believe it could possibly be true.

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ Vicki @ & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine


Thank you Anat over at for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ and Lisa!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:

The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..

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