Sunday, May 9, 2010

Out Of The Closet









Hi, I’m Red” the still price-tagged shirt announced after adjusting herself on her hanger “I’m new!”


Heyhowyadoinhowareya” the faded black shirt hung limply on her hanger and grumbled.


“What’s the matter with her?” Red asked.


Slightly-stained-but-nobody-ever-notices-white shirt looked over and said “Aw, don’t mind her, she’s just mad because she’s tired of being worn every other day”.


Red puffed up importantly and replied “Well, no need to worry, I’m here now”.


“Don’t get to cocky there Red” a pair of faded blue tie died jeans called out from the lower rung “I’ve been here since the eighties and haven’t seen the light of day in years.”


“I’m too young to remember the eighties” Red answered “Didn’t you guys have more flair back then?”


“No that was me” A retro pair of slacks from the seventies piped up.


Shhhhhh…here she comes, here she comes” they all whispered.



The closet door opened and they all watched with multi fabric anticipation as she stood perfectly still, eyes darting left then right then left again…


She reaches for the red shirt then changes her mind.


Her hand jumps back to the hanger and stays on it for another second in mid-decision then quickly hooks it back in place.


A swift arm decidedly pulls Black shirt off the hanger and the closet door is closed once again until tomorrow.



What the hell? But I’m NEW!” Red shouts indignantly.


“You may be new sweetheart but you’re not black.” Blue 1991 velvet Christmas shirt enlightens “You were just an impulse buy like the rest of us”.


“I want to go back! Take me back to the store this instant!” Red demanded.


And the next day, that is exactly where she went (-:


Anybody else have their finger on the impulse button?

57 comments:

MiMi on May 9, 2010 at 2:29 PM said...

Oh my gosh! This is the BEST freakin' post!
I bet my clothes have contests during the day when I'm not here. They're like, "Okay, YOU are the ugliest there is!" Then the next one is like, "You're new here, shut it! She won't love you forever!" And on and on. I bet my clothes get pissy with eachother. But their one common goal is to make ME look bad. Sucky!

Deb on May 9, 2010 at 2:40 PM said...

My shoes do that all the time. Bitch, bitch, bitch is all I ever hear from the bottom of the closet...except from my fuzzy slippers 'cause they know they are my favorites. The other shoes are jealous of the cheap twins, ridiculing them and mocking them on a daily basis. The slippers are cool though. They just keep their mouths shut and grin because with age comes wisdom.

Aging Mommy on May 9, 2010 at 2:47 PM said...

I am the very worst of decision makers so never really impulse buy. However, when I do buy something new I cannot bear to wear it, I so love the idea of having something totally new and unworn in my closet. So there it will hang, for weeks, sometimes months, before I finally wear it.

This is a wonderfully written post, full of your unique blend of wit and charm. I just loved it from start to finish

blueviolet on May 9, 2010 at 2:48 PM said...

I used to do that all the time! I still have a ton of unworn things in my closet because of it, things that I couldn't find receipts for...

Jayne Martin on May 9, 2010 at 3:21 PM said...

This is my favorite post of yours evvrrrr... Clever, funny and so real that I'm going to start creeping quietly up to my closet door and placing my ear against it from now on to hear what they're saying about me.

Coffeypot on May 9, 2010 at 3:49 PM said...

I'll have to think about an impulse buy.

Linda Medrano on May 9, 2010 at 4:01 PM said...

Love this! I feel kind of sorry for the red shirt though. I'm so not a color woman. Color scares me. It looks so awesome on other people, but on me it makes me look like a gypsy I think. (Or a prostitute maybe.) (Or worse.)

ReformingGeek on May 9, 2010 at 5:56 PM said...

That was so funny! Yes, I get a dose of the impulse every once in awhile. I have some new sandals that are sitting in the box with the receipt on top. Is this an age thing?

Sheesh.

Aunt Juicebox on May 9, 2010 at 6:53 PM said...

LOL I'm glad my clothes don't tell my secrets.

The Blue Zoo on May 9, 2010 at 11:12 PM said...

I used to implulse buy clothes. Until I realized I had a closet full of clothes that I couldnt wear! Now I make sure I really want it. And I make myself try things on before I buy.

And I do feel bad for that red shirt! LOL

Alyssa on May 10, 2010 at 12:44 AM said...

I don't remember why I bought half the things I did. I think it might be multiple personality disorder.

Ziva on May 10, 2010 at 12:54 AM said...

I'm so glad you came out of the closet with this! I have a million things I have bought thinking "I'll look great in this once I lose those 5 lbs" or "this red skirt is really colorful, I would look really good in it" and then I go on wearing my black skirts and white blouses and forget all about it.. Not to mention all the shoes I've only worn once.. I think it's a woman thing.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick on May 10, 2010 at 3:58 AM said...

This is so great! Thank you for giving my clothes personalities!

Rachele on May 10, 2010 at 4:38 AM said...

I think my clothes just bolt. I'll go shopping for tops and then can only find two that are comfortable and look good. Where do all the others go?

My name is PJ. on May 10, 2010 at 4:45 AM said...

I used to suspect my clothes mouthed off to one another...back in the days when I worked and was a clothes horse.

Now I literally buy 12 of each of two pairs of pants and 12 shirts.....and I put half on hangers and half in boxes with the tags on them until the hangered ones wear out.

The boxed ones rumble to see who will come out on top. It can ruin a good night's sleep.

smArtee on May 10, 2010 at 8:47 AM said...

Bwahahahah...my closet should talk with yours....That used to be how I was but now I keep every receipt and return stuff all the time...Im a pro at it...for all of the old stuff...donation..and going forward, it has to make me look good/hot or its going back...as a matter of fact...all of the clothes in my closet are BFF's now....they are passed the drama of adolescence and have moved into the fabulous ...."Life begins at fifty (almost fifty) maturity"...Thanks Melyssa...hey Reds my favorite color...should our closets have a play date..?

Susan R. Mills on May 10, 2010 at 9:45 AM said...

Ha! I love it! I have so many impulse buys hanging in my closet, it isn't funny. I often wonder if I'll ever learn.

ModernMom on May 10, 2010 at 11:25 AM said...

LOL Love this...and YES! Just wish I would stop buying from the "final sale" rack.

Daffy on May 10, 2010 at 11:41 AM said...

I think my clothing screams but its probably more the seams that scream. You know....they just freak out that one day they'll bust!

drollgirl on May 10, 2010 at 12:50 PM said...

bahhaha! you are channeling me! and my clothing!

i have lots of clothes in the closet that i don't even "see". especially if i know they are too tight!

Beth on May 10, 2010 at 2:53 PM said...

That was cute! :)

Katie's Dailies on May 10, 2010 at 3:26 PM said...

I think my closet is planning an intervention---at least I hope it is because I seriously would like to do some shopping! : )

Like this place... think I need to come back and visit some more! Happy Monday!

Jen on May 10, 2010 at 3:33 PM said...

My closet is filled with Reds. Most aren't red but that doesn't matter. I'm wearing black now. If someone declared that any other color was slimming we'd all be wearing that color.

Sassy Chica on May 10, 2010 at 4:52 PM said...

I am the queen of impuslse buys, sometimes I just can't help myself! I too would have taken Red back if I was not feeling it after brining her home! Great post:D

Smooches,
Sassy Chica


thanks for visiting, I have often thought of a secret blog, an outlet to dish the goods! If I should ever decide to go for it, I will be sure to invite you along for the ride, I am sure it will be a crazy one!

Lauren on May 10, 2010 at 5:18 PM said...

LOL! Impulsive is my middle name. In my closet, there are whisperings of a coup attempt by the spring and summer clothes. They want to take away my credit cards and give them to someone with a better fashion sense.

Unknown Mami on May 10, 2010 at 5:44 PM said...

But red is the new black.

J. L. W. on May 10, 2010 at 7:06 PM said...

I am so guilty of this! I have a few things that were impulse buys that never quite made it back to the store. Maybe that explains the grumbling I hear in the mornings.

Tracie on May 10, 2010 at 7:08 PM said...

I'm all about the impulse. That's how I got my last haircut, bedroom furniture, and my husband.

Bossy Betty on May 10, 2010 at 7:23 PM said...

Oh, this sends my mind reeling about what my clothes say to each other when I am gone!!! This could be the beginning of a long and entertaining mental illness.

Michelle @ Flying Giggles on May 10, 2010 at 7:34 PM said...

This is hilarious and is probably what my closet would sound like if my clothes can talk!

I can be a huge impulse shopper.

Brahm on May 10, 2010 at 7:34 PM said...

Ha ha ha

Holy crap I hope my clothes dont talk when I am away -- would be freaky weird like in Toy Story when the toys come to life.

And my bastard clothes would just complain that I am eating too much pizza and strethcing them out!!!

Kelly L on May 10, 2010 at 8:43 PM said...

Unfortunately - I have way too many of those "impulse" buys or the "I did not try it on and it does not fit" buys and then I either forget or am too lazy to return them.. and then a year later - I might get around to listing them for sale on ebay or worse selling them at a garage sale with the tags still on them... I am sooo bad... but I am getting better..

Love to you
Kelly
I've Become My Mother

jackie on May 10, 2010 at 9:01 PM said...

Too funny! There are many clothes in my closet that were impulse buys.

Thanks for stopping by. I'm following back and can't wait to read your blog.

Joann Mannix on May 11, 2010 at 9:27 AM said...

Oh, I have so many impulse buys. I also have a lot of clothes from my ultra crazy, spin-every-day fitness phase where I killed myself and I have all these teeny, tiny clothes taunting me. But, I won't throw them out. I can't. Because I'm still hoping...

Also, you're good. My clothes would have been talking to each other from the heap where I had tossed them after I'd tried them all on and gone back to my same old, same old.

Great post.

Lisa@GrandmasBriefs on May 11, 2010 at 10:45 AM said...

You are the No. 1 person for finding inspiration anywhere ... and making it hilarious! I just love your posts!

The mad woman behind the blog on May 11, 2010 at 11:40 AM said...

I DO NOT want to hear what my jeans have to say! And I'm sure my sweaters all bitch about the cats sleeping on them!
Thanks for the follow and for todays laughs!

Kmama on May 11, 2010 at 12:29 PM said...

All too often! Unfortunately. I have a bathing suit from Lands End sitting in a box. To return or not. That is the question.

Thanks for coming by on my SITS day!!

Yankee Girl on May 11, 2010 at 12:41 PM said...

I used to be all about the impulse. And then I looked at my bank statement a few months ago because I had no idea where all my money went. I realized I had spend $700 in ONE MONTH on impulse purchases.

I haven't made an impulse purchase since....or any other purchase for that matter!

♥Yaya's Mommy ♥ on May 11, 2010 at 3:10 PM said...

NEW follower. Happy Happy Tuesday.
http://littleyayasandblessed.blogspot.com

The Empress on May 11, 2010 at 4:17 PM said...

That post right there was ALL THAT.

How did you think of that??? You are so cool.

I loved it. Truly loved it.

So real and right on.

Thanks for the laughs!!

Shanna on May 11, 2010 at 5:45 PM said...

New Follower from Follow Me Back Tuesday! Loved this! LOL. Made my day! =)
http://www.mommyofoneandcounting.blogspot.com

Paige on May 11, 2010 at 5:56 PM said...

Great post! Thanks for stopping by my Top 2 Tuesday. Have a GREAT week!

Jack and Alex Manning on May 11, 2010 at 9:04 PM said...

Um, yes! I turn into a totally different person in clothing stores - all hip and dressy and brave... but once I'm back home it's right back to the black and the grey and the poor, over worked yoga pants...

peryl @ blog.seattlepi.com/parentingadabsurdum/

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com on May 11, 2010 at 11:46 PM said...

Loved this one.
If my clothes would talk..
I have so many impulse buys.
Hope you a great Wednesday!
Betty xx

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com on May 11, 2010 at 11:46 PM said...

ooops..you have( due to the rush)

彥鈺璇洋 on May 12, 2010 at 12:15 AM said...

我又來看你囉~加油^^ 祝你天天順利開心..............................

Nezzy on May 12, 2010 at 10:06 AM said...

Oh if this chicks clothes could talk. I have many different styles. 'Round the Ponderosa it's yoga pants or biker shorts with a tee or sweatshirt. My go to town look is casual CK jeans and a nice top. Then there is the dress up me....heck, my closet might just have a knock down drag out it my clothes could talk. Heeehehe!

God bless ya and have a marvelous day!!!

A Vapid Blonde on May 12, 2010 at 11:17 AM said...

I have closets that I never even enter that are full of clothes that I have never even worn...now that I know I am hurting their feelings I am going to go wear them all...AT THE SAME TIME!!!

(I also manage a clothing boutique)

Rising Rainbow on May 12, 2010 at 1:22 PM said...

Funny.......but in my closet the red and black would probably get equal time. Everything else would be in for disappointment, however. LOL

Rising Rainbow on May 12, 2010 at 1:23 PM said...

Oh......Oh and I forgot to mention anything with horses on it would certainly trump that. Some girls just have to have their horse fix even in the clothes they wear.

Dee on May 12, 2010 at 3:03 PM said...

I feel sad now. I bet my sarongs totally fight over me.

lisleman on May 12, 2010 at 4:52 PM said...

Hey, your clothes want to get out more and you are the perfect person to take them.

So what would the conversation be when they get to goodwill?

Jamie on May 12, 2010 at 6:35 PM said...

Thank you for stopping by and making my SITS day so fabulous!

adrienzgirl on May 12, 2010 at 10:48 PM said...

Red is sooooo fabulous. I love red shoes. They go perfectly with the 47 black shirts I own!

*LLUVIA* on May 13, 2010 at 8:27 AM said...

haha...! I love this story!!

I love red!
Hubby loves it when I wear red.

Black...not so much. I have two black tops. I've worn them once at two funerals.

mama-face on May 14, 2010 at 6:28 AM said...

lol. I spend more money on stuff I hardly wear then on what I wear over and over. I know it's backwards but I keep on doing this.

"didn't you guys have more flair?" haha.

The Absence of Alternatives on May 28, 2010 at 10:51 AM said...

One of the best blog posts I have read. Hands down. You are a genius!!! I have to go tweet this one.

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