Wednesday, January 6, 2010

What Would Lee Majors Do?







We have the technology….we can rebuild him


We can give him a C-section or he can do natural…..


I swear these were the exact thoughts running through my head as a very young and recently announced new-mom-to-be-co-worker sat in my office to solicit my advice on which course of childbirth she should take (because apparently I double as an OBGYN in my spare time).


But excuse me…. Is there really a choice?


“The C-section is the Mercedes of childbirth” I informed her.


And why would anyone choose to do it any other way? The result is the same and you pretty much come out of it the way you went in-plus or minus a very small -under the bikini-line-scar.

Uh, we have electricity folks….let’s not be afraid to use it.


‘And what about Lamaze?’ She asked


My answer?... “If I ever had to pay someone to teach me how to breathe, come and take my baby away because I am apparently too stupid to know what to do with it”


Too harsh?


Screw that!


Did Charles Ingalls tell Caroline to remember her breathing technique when she was in labor or did he tell her to get cracking and shove out another girl so she can go make dinner, sew dresses and plow the fields?


What did the Pilgrims do when they went into labor? Where were the breathing coaches back then?


Out back humping Indians that’s where!


Oh my….How did they all get by?


Watching her go to enlist more mom-opinions, I am sure that she will be filled to the brim with gruesome labor horror stories by the end of the day. And in the end she, of course, will make up her own mind.


But nothing wrong with dishing out a little intact-vagina food for thought.


Pro C-Section Disclaimer:


These are the opinions of an unstretched and taut vaginal clearing and might not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of some newly enlarged, gaping entry ways.

53 comments:

Out-Numbered on January 9, 2010 at 2:13 PM said...

You said taut vaginal clearing. Excellent.

Jayne Martin on January 9, 2010 at 3:58 PM said...

Having never experience the "joys" of either, I feel absolutely qualified to express my opinion and I say slap in a zipper and air-lift that sucker out.

Daffy on January 9, 2010 at 5:23 PM said...

“If I ever had to pay someone to teach me how to breathe, come and take my baby away because I am apparently too stupid to know what to do with it”

I snorted

Beautiful!

I'd take pushing a semi out my hole than a slice across the midsection...less you're gonna do a tummy tuck while you're there. Of course I had a super easy delivery relatively speaking and I like those kiegal exercises :O)

BugginWord on January 9, 2010 at 6:38 PM said...

*shudder*

I imagine child birth is like trying to pass a watermelon through my left nostril. Then again, I think a C-section would make me feel like a kangaroo. It's possible there's a good reason I haven't procreated.

some random fool on January 9, 2010 at 7:32 PM said...

you had me at c-section is the mercedes of child birth.

this obviously is her first baby, huh? i don't know how they do it now, but back in the day when i was birthing babies, you didn't get to choose...you got what the doctor decided you needed.

Captain Dumbass on January 9, 2010 at 7:38 PM said...

My MIL who birthed six children in the 3rd World think women here are insane. She fully encourages the use of any and all drugs.

Tina on January 9, 2010 at 7:40 PM said...

LMAO....... thanks for the laugh!!
if she needs a good "28hrs of back labor, then pushing for 4 hours story" you can send her my way!!

G-Zell on January 9, 2010 at 8:25 PM said...

ROFL you are so funny. LOL...... you forgot to tell her that when she has the c-section there will be just a little small loose skin above the scar. ..

I have had 4 ces.... ROFL... that small damn loose skin could probably wrap my body like a snuggie...........

ROFL

Oh ya since you are moonlighting as a gyno now.. question what is a taut vagina LMAO....

My name is PJ. on January 10, 2010 at 5:13 AM said...

Funny because it's TRUE! I've had two C-sections and I didn't miss out on a darn thing! Felt nothing, babies with naturally shaped noggins, tight vajay-jay....

That being said, I didn't realize you had a choice nowadays. My c-sections were medically necessary. If it were elective, I'd be signing up for it though!

Veronica Lee on January 10, 2010 at 8:14 AM said...

LOL, I was a big fan of Lee majors!!

Thanks for the follow. I'm now following your lovely blog.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? on January 10, 2010 at 9:10 AM said...

thank you. Everyone is all, do it the regular way it's so better. NO THANK YOU. cut that shit out of me.

Jen on January 10, 2010 at 1:14 PM said...

Get the C-Section, you get five days in the hospital where someone else takes care of the baby for you (that won't happen again for 18 years) someone serves food to you, (that won't happen again unless you have another c-section) and you get to sleep for a few more days. The added bonus is having the baby daddy pass out when the doctors take your uterus and ovaries out of your gut and lay them on top of your stomach to make sure everything is a-okay. In addition to that wonderful bonus you don't have to worry about sneezing for the rest of your life. Why would anyone want to go the natural route....Oh, I forgot all the good drugs they give you..so worth a little scar.

Deb on January 10, 2010 at 2:34 PM said...

I never took Lamaze classes for the same rationale: teach me to breathe? I think not. Just beginning day 2 of labor with a pitocin drip "to speed things up", that little twat of a nurse told me, "Breathe like this: Hee Hee Hoooooo. Hee Hee Hooooo." I bent the IV line in half with the good hand, put my face in hers and whispered in my best Jack Bauer voice (before JB had even been invented) "Get this baby the f**k out of me NOW!" Four hours later and one emergency C-section, all was well in the world.

kys on January 10, 2010 at 5:26 PM said...

My son weighed 9 1/2 lbs and was 23 inches long. He was head down lodged under my pubic bone for the last 3 months of my pregnancy. (In an effort to demonstrate his annoying personality to-be and/or an effort to have some room.) His head looked like a banana and I implore you NOT to think about my poor lady business.

That is all.

Nancy C on January 10, 2010 at 6:29 PM said...

Fantastic. It wasn't that long ago that I was polling random folks about birthing. Good Lord, the horror stories I heard! That's what you get for opening Pandora's box.

Box. Heh. Heh.

Kimberly on January 10, 2010 at 11:11 PM said...

Baby stories...I hated having every doctor taking a peek. It was so irritating. There was a standing room only policy in my room.

My husband turned as white as the wall, and starting sliding down the wall. He blended into the wall as he slide down to the floor.

I was about to throw my ice water on him, but it was out of my reach.

Robin on January 11, 2010 at 3:23 AM said...

..did you say "an unstretched and taut vagina"..I thought we could by them now ..I say thats the way to go ..natural..no scars..and no "visible" means of..birthing..and at least you didnt say ...Va jay jay...Im soo tired of that..!

Gillian on January 11, 2010 at 3:42 AM said...

LMFAO

Moooooog35 on January 11, 2010 at 4:53 AM said...

We did the Lamaze thing for the first kid.

I highly recommend it if you are into making fun of other people. Hours of fun.

Nezzy on January 11, 2010 at 2:43 PM said...

This Ozark thought the natural thing was the thing to do in the seventies. No drugs, no epidural. If I had it to do all over again....I'd bring on the drugs!

Have a terrific day!

Mrsblogalot on January 11, 2010 at 3:01 PM said...

More questions?

Dr. Blogalot is now and still "slightly" open for business

teeheee

Elizabeth on January 11, 2010 at 4:24 PM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elizabeth on January 11, 2010 at 4:27 PM said...

This is hilarious -- I totally agree with you. I gave birth to one child the natural way (totally by accident, because I screwed around and waited too long for the Angel of Mercy to stick an epidural in back). The second one, I did the civilized way. I made an appt. and had a baby 30 minutes later. I didn't even get dirty, much less breath hard while I let a baby rip my insides out. It was fabulous.

Sophia's Mom on January 11, 2010 at 10:19 PM said...

I am laughing so hard, I'm crying!!!! LOL!!!
I too have a taut vaginal clearing.

After my C-section, hubby says "well, maybe next time you'll be able to do it naturally"

I swear, I said "Fuck that! Why would I put myself through hell again, when I can just plan this shit next time?!"

The Absence of Alternatives on January 12, 2010 at 12:18 AM said...

"If I ever had to pay someone to teach me how to breathe, come and take my baby away because I am apparently too stupid to know what to do with it"

LOL.

Did you get hate mails for this? Although I do respect the others who want and cannot say enough good things about Natural Birth, I walked into the hospital yelling, "Give me the drug right now!"

XXOO

Can't believe we even agreed on this. Amazing.

Michele on January 12, 2010 at 11:51 AM said...

I just spewed coffee all over my computer screen. That was hysterical.

" intact-vagina food for thought" ~ OMG, you're killing me with this.

I had Trinity "naturally"... Ephideral, Epischmiral ~ sticking a burning hot coal inside my "vaginal opening" would have been easier to handle.

Again, great post, Darlin.
I heart you ;)

Me-Me King on January 12, 2010 at 3:23 PM said...

LOL @ Out-Numbered and moooooog! Anyway, I revel at the thought of what Lee Majors would do. Loved your disclaimer, ROFLMAO.

Unknown Mami on January 12, 2010 at 4:01 PM said...

Listen my husband swears that he loves my roomier digs. Honestly, I was so tight before I could and did crack nuts. Now nuts stay intact. Maybe your vagina was just a little floppy to begin with because mine is absolutely perfect after a vaginal birth.

Unknown Mami on January 12, 2010 at 5:14 PM said...

You know I'm kidding right? About you having a floppy vagina, not about me having a perfect one.

Sabreena on January 13, 2010 at 9:27 AM said...

C-sections are definitley the way to go. My first C-section was last minute but boy am I glad that's how it went down, and so is my junk. The second was scheduled so it was like going to get a tooth pulled, quick and painless (until after). My husband says all of the time how happy he is my vagina is in the same condition as when he met it. As far as the breathing goes, I was in labor the first time for 41 hours so screw breathing, I put in a damn work week nd breathing would not have made a difference. I say bear down until the epidural can be administered then kick back and wait for the laceration to begin!

drollgirl on January 13, 2010 at 12:34 PM said...

this is sort of off topic, but have you seen the lee majors hearing aid commercial?!?! hilarious!

and i haven't had any kids. i just wish we had a trap door that and we could press a button when ready to release the kid. it all sounds so painful and is such a mess doing it any other way. bleh.

blueviolet on January 13, 2010 at 1:41 PM said...

Your disclaimer nearly made me pee my pants!

Janine - My Kids Are Fun on January 13, 2010 at 3:54 PM said...

Seriously I didn't even know you could choose C-section unless there was a medical reason why.
I've had two the old fashioned way and I'm... ahem...still taut :p
Visiting from My Kids Are Fun!

The Wifey on January 13, 2010 at 4:01 PM said...

I've heard too many "C" horror stories. My doc actually prefers them over natural (they get more money from the insurance company, and in my opinion, that was his -real- reasoning.) but I fought him tooth and nail on it. I didn't do lamaze either. I refused to pick up a single damn book on it. People have been doing it since, well, people started doing it. "I'll just wing it" was my motto and I got through in 3&1/2 hours with no painkillers.

And I feel kind of cocky for it, no lies. :)

Erin on January 13, 2010 at 7:57 PM said...

I had an elective C-section for a few reasons, one of which that I was pg w/ twins...but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Something about shoving some huge head out of my vag that makes me wanna gag. SCARY!

On another note entirely, thank you for your kind comments on my post from yesterday. It helps to know I have such supportive bloggy friends!
;-)

LiLu on January 14, 2010 at 7:38 AM said...

"These are the opinions of an unstretched and taut vaginal clearing and might not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of some newly enlarged, gaping entry ways."

Best. Disclaimer. EVER.

Kate on January 14, 2010 at 9:14 AM said...

The birthing horror stories make me wonder why women do it. Pain scares me. Love taut vagina reference - brilliant.

Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

Corrie Howe on January 14, 2010 at 1:10 PM said...

Isn't if funny what we put ourselves and others through.

Richele on January 14, 2010 at 4:36 PM said...

My poor friend had twins...one born vaginally and one a c-section. Can you imagine? What a day!

I have never had a C and I have four kids. My lady business is just fine. lol. Really. I would never want a C-section...until this comment thread, I never heard anything good about them. Maybe everyone was just holding out on me!

Unknown Mami on January 18, 2010 at 10:16 AM said...

I linked to your post today.

qandlequeen on January 18, 2010 at 5:01 PM said...

Odd man out here because I would never advise a C-section. 2 natural and 1 C. I didn't need morphine with the natural ones and I didn't walk around for a week feeling like my intestines were going to fall out of my abdomen.

That said, your post is genuinely funny.

Secretia on January 19, 2010 at 6:48 AM said...

Who really makes the decision, the new mother or the doctor, who makes a lot more money with the C-section?

Secretia

Mama Mel on August 16, 2010 at 12:12 AM said...

I have to disagree with the "Mercedes of Childbirth" statement. I had a really bad experience with my C-section, probably because anything bad that is very unlikely to happen to most people usually happens to me. It was unplanned, and I ended up staying in the hospital for a week with internal bleeding. Much more painful than the actual C. I wish they could give people an epidural for that kind of pain. They sent me home, still in lots of pain. I am glad I have an "intact" vagina, but the recovery after my experience took at least a month, and lots of drugs. I'm dreading getting another one, but I'm pretty sure I will have to have a scheduled C if I have another baby.

Ash on August 16, 2010 at 5:18 AM said...

Where were you when I got the dirty look from a frienemy who VBACed after her first emergency c-section?

I'll take my scheduled second c-section over a ruptured uterus "doing it the way God intended" any day of the week.

I love you. Now, do you have a post about formula feeding?

Jen on August 16, 2010 at 6:11 AM said...

I had c-sections for all my kids and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Fabulous post. Too funny.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity on August 16, 2010 at 6:18 AM said...

I can tell you honestly that I was wishing for a Mercedes when, during the birth of our second child, my husband stepped on my epidural line, pulled it from my back, and I had to push out a nine pound bundle of joy with no drugs. A "mercedes" would have been so much preferred!! On a side note, yes, we are still married. :) Congrats on your day.

Just Like June on August 16, 2010 at 7:09 AM said...

I think a PLANNED C-section might be the Mercedes of Childbirth (I'll let you know when we have another how I feel!) The emergency C after 36 hours of backlabor and passing out? Not so much. I love your sense of humour though and the fact that you openly voice your opinion! Good for you! This certainly made me laugh on a rainy Monday morning! :-)

Laura on August 16, 2010 at 8:16 AM said...

My thoughts exactly!! I have had two c-sections (one planned, the first one not planned) & I wouldn't do it any other way. Of course, now I don't have the equipment needed for childbirth, so no worries here.

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect on August 16, 2010 at 8:16 AM said...

Oh my gosh, you just made my morning! I had an emergency c-section, and while the circumstances were VERY scary, I was thrilled to avoid the OTHER kind of delivery!!

Princess Lolly on August 16, 2010 at 12:06 PM said...

Preach on, sister. Had my c-section when my kiddo refused to become unwedged from my ribcage. Everyone was horrified, pitying and saying that next time I could "really" go through it.

I thought it was magnificent. Sure, the metal staples were a bit much and the second night's stay in the hospital (once the morphine drip was taken out) was on the excruciating side of pleasant...but as for the lady bits?

As someone pointed out to me after her c-section- positively teenaged.

Happy SITS day from Chicago!

Chaudie on August 16, 2010 at 12:22 PM said...

lol You're awesome. This is the first time I read your blog and I have to say I'm hooked. My first child was natural (not even an epidural) but the next time I have a child I'm definitely doing C-section)

Mama Bub on August 16, 2010 at 2:22 PM said...

I love it when someone says that C-sections are awesome. Every I know acts like I have no idea what pain is because I gave birth vaginally with an epidural. Excuse me, when I gave birth to my NINE POUND BABIES. I know from pain.

Babes about Town on August 17, 2010 at 3:10 AM said...

Two c-secs myself, one emergency, one elective and I certainly wouldn't describe either as a luxury ride - although I did enjoy the 'mercedes of childbirth' coinage.

I think bottom line is the passage of another human from your own body is not necessarily pretty any way you swing it, but at least afterwards you can find reasons to celebrate...and laugh. Your post made me snort out loud. Belated SITS congats!

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