Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Aerial View of Insanity








I have some pretty cool peeps up in heaven.


And I can’t help but envision that whenever I press the publish post button on my blog, my long-gone grandfather elbowing my also-gone grandmother and demanding once again to know what the hell is going on down here.


And every so often or after drinking heavily, I fancy myself overhearing a little grandparents-after-death-dialogue going on up there and it goes a little something like this:



“What the hell is she doing now?” My grandfather demands.


My grandmother rolls over (but only half way) and says “It’s a douche post dear”


“A douche post?” Whatever is left of his bushy bushy eyebrows crinkle together in confusion

“What the hell is a douche post I don’t remember any newspaper by that name?”


“Oh go back to your dirt nap dear. Leave her alone. She’s having fun”


My grandmother rocks the grave yo.


A disgruntled harrumph sound escapes from my grandfather's remains “She wasn’t raised like this. This has to be your side of the family”


“OMG, you are such a bone in the mud” (Is my EZ Pass to hell ready for pick up?) “Now for The Big Guy’s sake, please stop rolling, you’re disturbing my peace”


“That husband of hers needs to take her in hand. Is this the kind of thing she is teaching her son to read about…..douches?”


“Please stop saying douches dear. It doesn’t look good on you”


“I’m a damned corpse for chrissake! Nothing looks good on me! Can’t He do something?”


Eternally patient, my grandmother explains “He’s intervened enough. Plagues, pestilence, locustsLady Gaga…she obviously doesn’t want to be stopped and you know how our granddaughter is when she sets her mind to something. And besides, I personally liked the douche post and I know that I saw you smirking at that cute angry turkey one.”


“Well that one was funny... and obviously from my side of the family” He pointed out “But don’t expect me to die again laughing at this one. Douches..... What’s next?”


“Yeast infections, I’d imagine” she smiled angelically “Now please lie down and be still, I’m trying to rest”


Reluctantly he crosses his arms and gives my grandmother the whatever-after life-look before going back to R.I.P. position.


Well this is how it plays in my head anyway.

It makes me smile to believe it could possibly be true.

40 comments:

Daffy on January 19, 2010 at 6:26 PM said...

Makes me smile too... actually it makes me giggle...

What an awesome imagination you have ma'dear.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen on January 19, 2010 at 6:27 PM said...

I think that sounds wonderful.

Robin on January 19, 2010 at 6:37 PM said...

Awww ...what a wonderful couple with a "grand" sense of humor..and you as well..!!

Jen on January 19, 2010 at 7:20 PM said...

Only you could put together a post where you use the words douche and grandparents in a sentence and still have it come out funny rather than really pervy. Your Grandma sounds like a cool lady.

Coffeypot on January 19, 2010 at 10:15 PM said...

Your own drugs again aren't you? And remember, if your scenario is true, they also watch you belly-slapping with hubs, too.

Mad Woman on January 19, 2010 at 11:58 PM said...

It made me smile too. What a great post!!

adrienzgirl on January 20, 2010 at 12:24 AM said...

That was great! Really really great! You always make me smile mah' dear!

Eternally Distracted on January 20, 2010 at 4:26 AM said...

Very funny... mind you coffeypot's comment is just as scary!! ;0)

Travelbug Mom on January 20, 2010 at 5:35 AM said...

Loved the post AND the comments too.....keep drinking, YOU. ARE. FUNNY.

The Absence of Alternatives on January 20, 2010 at 6:39 AM said...

I don't think God intervened when Lady Gaga happened. She is still happening. Bigger than ever. I think your Grandma rocks too. And even your Grandpa, in all his grouchiness you can sense the love he has for you. I wish them eternal smile up in the heaven.

Moooooog35 on January 20, 2010 at 6:58 AM said...

My grandparents would be all, like:

"There he goes again."

"I hope he washes his hands this time."

I really think they're up there just simply disgusted. I blame the Internet.

My name is PJ. on January 20, 2010 at 7:09 AM said...

"My grandmother rocks the grave yo." Thought I'd die laughing!!!!

BugginWord on January 20, 2010 at 9:04 AM said...

Do you think your Grandpa tries to work in a little grave rockin' after those sleepy conversations?

Adorable, BTW.

kys on January 20, 2010 at 11:33 AM said...

I try not to think about my grandparents being able to see and hear EVERYTHING I'm doing.

Nezzy on January 20, 2010 at 1:07 PM said...

Just goes to show ya'll, ya cant keep a good woman down!

Have a great day!!!

drollgirl on January 20, 2010 at 3:21 PM said...

well, you are freaking me out. i have to hide my blog from my living relatives, and i never thought that the dead ones might be seeing/hearing about it. horrors. i am sure they are disowning me all over again.

Amo on January 20, 2010 at 7:00 PM said...

I often think about what my grandaddy might be thinking when he watches me fall apart and make mistakes and say or think horrible things!

HeartsMakeFamilies on January 20, 2010 at 7:30 PM said...

Awww I think thats great. I see my past husband and my grandpa watching me.

Me-Me King on January 20, 2010 at 8:42 PM said...

I truly believe my grandparents have spun around in their graves on one than more occasion. And, one day, I'll have to answer to them...yikes!

Amanda on January 20, 2010 at 9:52 PM said...

My grandparents were cremated.

Can they still see and hear EVERYTHING I do? Or does this phenomenon only apply to corpses?

Lauren on January 21, 2010 at 2:29 PM said...

OMG. I absolutely loved "dirt nap" and "bone in the mud." It was so Woody Allen like before the bone slip into perversion era.

Mere's musings on January 21, 2010 at 4:32 PM said...

freakin' Hilarious!

Erin on January 21, 2010 at 6:59 PM said...

so funny especially since i thought about doing a TMI Thursday post about a yeast infection. Then I pictured my dad reading it. And I reconsidered. LOL!

The Wifey on January 21, 2010 at 9:49 PM said...

I want DESPERATELY to go drinking with you one night. *sigh*

Debbie on January 22, 2010 at 2:46 PM said...

I am loving this scenario! I hope the great beyond is like that.

Captain Dumbass on January 22, 2010 at 3:47 PM said...

You mean we'll still get internet? Awesome!

Michele on January 22, 2010 at 8:23 PM said...

Too funny!!!
Grandma rocking the grave, yo ~ made me spray my swig of coffee again!!
You're hysterical.

pixielation on January 23, 2010 at 5:35 AM said...

it sounds like my grandparents, but the roles would be reversed.

Eva Gallant on January 23, 2010 at 6:23 AM said...

What a different but hilarious post! love it!

Shell on January 23, 2010 at 7:08 AM said...

I love your take on this! Hilarious!

Blissed-Out Grandma on January 23, 2010 at 1:30 PM said...

You rock the blog world, yo.

Sandy on January 23, 2010 at 5:38 PM said...

Now you've got me thinking about what MY grandparents are saying about me as they look down. Great post.

Donna on January 23, 2010 at 5:43 PM said...

Your way of looking at things is about the same as mine.I often think about my grandparents too. Mine past when I was 5 yrs. old. I really don't know to much about them, except from what my mother has told me.Now ,what she has told me about them sounds like my grandparents were crazy.I'll tell you about it in my next post. probably next weekend.

The girl with the flour in her hair on January 23, 2010 at 6:32 PM said...

It's nice that you're teaching your grandfather new words... :)

I love this post. You're hysterical.

Fragrant Liar on January 24, 2010 at 11:29 AM said...

Yeah, I don't wanna know that they're watching stuff we do on earth as part of the living. I prefer to think that when I'm really alone doing alone stuff, I'm really, really alone.

Tiffany on January 24, 2010 at 1:51 PM said...

i'm pretty sure that's the intended order: douche post, then yeast infection. yup, that sounds about right.

Corrie Howe on January 24, 2010 at 7:23 PM said...

It is fun to entertain ourselves with what our loved ones would think and say about where we are today.

Secretia on January 25, 2010 at 6:29 AM said...

You really do have an amazing imagination in your writing, it is unique and entertaining.

Vanessa Rogers on January 25, 2010 at 11:30 PM said...

I often wonder what the folks up there think about what I am doing down here. Very funny post!

bettyl on January 26, 2010 at 5:07 PM said...

I like to be content knowing that they don't know what we do!

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