Monday, February 8, 2010

The 9 to 5 Lesbian








At this point, I feel forced to confess to all of you that I am living and starring in my own version of Lesbian Big Love.


That’s right.


I’m married to several women without the benefit of even one damn climax.


Not one.


Damn it.


Not even one.


And I want divorces.


Pronto.



But I can’t divorce them…..


Know why?



‘Cause I have to be married to them five days out of the week or else I don’t get paid.


And Blog forbid I not live in the broke-ass style to which I’ve become so accustomed.


But the worst part is that I’m only allowed to cheat on them on the weekends. And my weekend-husband doesn’t even realize how lucky he is to have me on those precious two days.


After all, I am a cheating lesbianish whore prize.


So as I see it…..


. I’ve already gotten my period the same time as all of them.


. Listened to every drool running down my neck saturating my clothes story about their children and grandchildren


. Ate all of their homemade crap and lied my ass off raved politely.


. Gossiped about each one of them equally with the other.


I’ve paid my dues damn it….


Now I want out!!!


Where is a good unemployment-lesbian-lawyer when you need one?


I always wanted to be a lesbian star in my own show but this….?????

36 comments:

Moooooog35 on February 11, 2010 at 5:04 AM said...

You had me at 'lesbian.'

The rest of the post is all white noise after that.

Robin on February 11, 2010 at 5:23 AM said...

LMAO...we just had a lesbian conversation the other day with ma girlz and my Mom...yes I would have done a post but I think it may be too inappropriate...(my mom wanted to know what they "did" and "how")..holy shit we were laughing for hours..and my mom who is 78 was laughing so hard she was choking...anyway...Wow, what you wont do for your lesbians...you're good..!do they appreciate you...!

blueviolet on February 11, 2010 at 5:39 AM said...

So this is what I have to look forward to when I go back to work????

Dual Mom on February 11, 2010 at 6:23 AM said...

All hubs secretly dream of having a lesbian wife...

marymac on February 11, 2010 at 7:20 AM said...

Cheating lesbianish whores UNITE! We need t-shirts. ;)

Sabreena on February 11, 2010 at 8:37 AM said...

I wonder if Utah would accept a plural marriage such as yours?

BugginWord on February 11, 2010 at 9:58 AM said...

Why doesn't anyone pay me to be a lesbian for 40 hours a week? I already have the haircut and EVERYTHING. *sigh*

Jen on February 11, 2010 at 10:26 AM said...

I don't miss the work week lesbians at all. Who knew lesbians could have so much drama?

Lucy on February 11, 2010 at 12:30 PM said...

I almost forgot how much fun it was to be a 9-5 Lesbian!

flatbrokegirl on February 11, 2010 at 12:33 PM said...

It was like this when I worked retail in college. You never knew when your fellow "lesbians" were going to stick a sword in your back or declare their undying love to you. Some were masters at doing both.

OK. So here I go with Tina Fey again, but she's my patron saint. It's like what she says in and about "Mean Girls". Women would rule the world if they would just quit fighting one another! At some point, they all have to stop randomly calling one another bitches and whores.

Notice I said "randomly". I'm sure there are some who definitely deserve it :)

Shell on February 11, 2010 at 1:32 PM said...

LOL I can't take the work gossip. When I was working, my favorite year was the one when I had a trailer for a classroom. B/c no one came out to bother me. LOVED that. Inside the school- way too much gossip. Loved my trailer.

Frugal Vicki on February 11, 2010 at 3:26 PM said...

Just sit quietly and shut up. Then it may be fine to see how many rumors they start spreading about you. Even better if you just stare at all of them for about ten minutes at a time.

ReformingGeek on February 11, 2010 at 4:59 PM said...

You described my last job. I was always watching my back around certain "ladies".

Sheesh!

Theta Mom on February 11, 2010 at 5:06 PM said...

Gossip is so annoying...at least you are finding humor in it! :)

Daffy on February 11, 2010 at 5:54 PM said...

Lawd gurl! You hit the right spot! Mmmmm um um ummmmm! That's the best damn description of my office that I've heard. Even the man that occassionally shows up to nail some crazy hormonal bish to her chair is probably secretly hiding a vajay jay....

Sophia's Mom on February 11, 2010 at 5:55 PM said...

"And Blog forbid..." LOL!!!!

I am only married to 4 but I feel you!
Can you believe the only guy in my office is my boss? Asshole!

Where was I?

Ah, yes... You're awesome =)

Brahm on February 11, 2010 at 6:53 PM said...

Ooh, "9 to 5 Lesbian", the best post title ever... brings up intrigue, sexual drama, covert homosexuality, and a Dolly Parton theme song, all in one fell swoop!

I am "married" to a whole bunch of men and women at work, pseudo-friends with no benefits. Not sure I want to cheat on them, though, am no Tiger Woods, have enough stress without seeing other whiny coworkers on the side!!!

Crystal Escobar on February 11, 2010 at 8:34 PM said...

haha!!! That is hilarious! Seriously, I just came across your blog, and I'm lovin your sense of humor :) So, I'm for sure following you now.

Gillian on February 11, 2010 at 11:40 PM said...

I have the name of a WhackaDoodle KickAss Lesbian Lawyer to help with your dilema.

Name: Holly Bowne on February 12, 2010 at 6:47 AM said...

Yup. I used to work as a copywriter in an advertising department made up of 15 women! (And one poor guy.) It was girl world on steroids!

Miss Spoken on February 12, 2010 at 10:56 AM said...

Cheating Lesbian Whores are my favorite kind of lesbians.

Nezzy on February 12, 2010 at 11:00 AM said...

Heeeheehe! Good thing the weekend is comin' up!!!

Have a wonderful weekend and a great Valentine's Day!!!

Maureen@IslandRoar on February 12, 2010 at 11:54 AM said...

I think they're the most loyal of all my relationships!
And I agree with the comment about T-shirts!

peasterpeach on February 12, 2010 at 1:03 PM said...

Hi! Very funny blog!! I used to be a 9-5 lesbian also.New follower from MBC friends following friends.Great blog!
Feel free to stop by and check out my blog!
Peasterpeach.blogspot.com

The girl with the flour in her hair on February 12, 2010 at 5:41 PM said...

Wow. You deserve a climax after all that.

Andrea (ace1028) on February 12, 2010 at 6:54 PM said...

OMG. Hilarious. TOO much. I don't miss working in an office, but I have my own bizarre hours now as a WAH-mommma.

Unknown Mami on February 12, 2010 at 9:40 PM said...

I'm stealing "Blog forbid" for a post. I'll give you credit of course.

The Absence of Alternatives on February 13, 2010 at 8:25 AM said...

Me too! (To what Mami said) BLOG Forbid! I love it!

And you are brilliantly insane! Luv this one!

Now back to your dilemma... So this is the famed "Office Wife" phenom... I wonder which is worse though: married to male coworkers or female ones.

I don't get to synch my period with anybody. Kind of lonely. Also I don't have anybody to turn to when I need emergency pad...

Me-Me King on February 13, 2010 at 9:51 AM said...

HiLaRiOuS! I remember a time when I, too, was in many a lesbian affair. Unfortunately, I didn't have the weekend husband to balance it out. Now, I just sit all alone. (sigh)

Secretia on February 13, 2010 at 1:48 PM said...

That was a lot of fun to read!

Secretia

Lauren on February 13, 2010 at 9:10 PM said...

OMG. Hilarious. Was that broke-ass or broke-back in the mountains?

Tracie on February 14, 2010 at 6:47 AM said...

Best. Title. Evah. And 'blog forbid' too? This was full of The Awesome.

My name is PJ. on February 15, 2010 at 5:43 AM said...

I used to be married to 16 lesbians. Tired me out so I had to retire early to return to 24/7 Heteroville.

"Blog forbid" - I laughed my butt off.....must. use. myself. in. future.

Vintage Christine on February 15, 2010 at 2:49 PM said...

Obviously YOUR lesbians don't look like The L Word lesbians or you certainly wouldn't be considering divorce.

The Blue Zoo on February 15, 2010 at 4:20 PM said...

Love it! That was just hilarious!!!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on February 17, 2010 at 4:52 AM said...

Hahahahaha! You totally had me at 9 to 5 lesbian. BTW I was totally addicted to the L Word when that show was on.

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