Friday, January 1, 2010

January - The World's Biggest Monday








I never make resolutions.

Why?

Because it only sets me up for a big steaming plate of high pressure drizzled in all flavors of failure sauce.

And I have resolved to never let that happen.

Nope, no new self-administered lofty annual expectations for me!

So instead of conjuring up some new plans of what I should do and eventually won’t, this year I made a list of the things that I will be waiting for others NOT to do.

The Think it’s Funny but it’snot List

1. I will wait for the person behind me on line to not have breath that smells like ass

2. I will wait for a time when someone finally does not say “yeah, there’s something going around” when they hear you are sick

3. I will wait for a person not to say “wow, you missed a great party” when they know you were home sick…because something is going around.

4. I will wait for Revlon not to write me an ugly I-told-you-so-letter about the nasty ramifications of coloring all of my grey hairs

5. I will wait for a co-worker not to say “oh you cut your hair….” and then say… nothing

6. I will anxiously await the time when we are not saying the word economy as much as the word the

7. I will wait for all the screeching mall children to not make me want to gnaw out the future possibilities of my own uterus.

8. I will wait for someone to not try to explain to me once again that is getting paid for blogging not getting laid for blogging....ballbag buzz killers!

9. I will wait for my pants to please not notice the five pounds that I’ve gained and squeeze me in for an appointment.

10. I will wait for the one cure-all pill that may not cause dizziness, random tree humping, loss of left testicle, vaginal discharge, brain farting, lap vomit, pudge gain, divorce-causing mood swings, unexplained bowel leaks, erectile dysfunction (unless in my favor), green excrement, abnormal skin shedding, vodka immunity, acid pee, congealing ear wax, fear of wet spots or sudden death


....Yup, I will wait patiently for all of these things.


But I will not wait to wish you all a Happy New Year!!!


37 comments:

MisAdventuresofMomof3 on January 1, 2010 at 7:08 AM said...

#2 is my personal favorite.

Secretia on January 1, 2010 at 7:12 AM said...

Waiting is the worst torture when we are eager to go somewhere. I am eager to go out into the world this new year!. Later...

blueviolet on January 1, 2010 at 8:11 AM said...

Happy New Year! I have only ever met one person who had breath that actually did smell like ass. Your list of side effects cracked me up!

Happy New year!!!

Honey B. on January 1, 2010 at 8:18 AM said...

Seriously, what is with #2? Its a waste of words. We live in a massive population, there is always SOMEthing going around...it may be in Timbuktu, but its going around! It has no direct correlation to the person who is sick, and doesn't help. lol

Andrea (ace1028) on January 1, 2010 at 8:45 AM said...

Great post! Happy New year!

Gillian on January 1, 2010 at 9:09 AM said...

Brilliant!

Happy New Year.

Jayne Martin on January 1, 2010 at 11:08 AM said...

And a fine list it is! I think you and I are NOT waiting for the same pill. Happy New Year... and I'm NOT waiting for it to be happy, I'm going to damn well MAKE it so!

Michele on January 1, 2010 at 12:06 PM said...

OMG... that was hilarious!!

Great list. I'm with you on all of them ;)
Happy New Year to you, Darlin...

Hope you have a great day

Melissa on January 1, 2010 at 12:35 PM said...

Happy New Year! I love #7!

Amo on January 1, 2010 at 1:57 PM said...

Yes, why is it that every pill offered has such horrid side effects? I hope you have a great start to the new year!

Captain Dumbass on January 1, 2010 at 4:55 PM said...

That was a pretty good list. What kind of trees though?

Happy New Year.

adrienzgirl on January 1, 2010 at 6:54 PM said...

This may be the best list I have read all day. AND there were a SHITLOAD of lists today!

Working Mommy on January 1, 2010 at 7:24 PM said...

LOL! I'm a HUGE fan of #8!!! Just stopping by to say hi - from your newest follower!

~WM

Mad Woman on January 1, 2010 at 10:11 PM said...

HA!!! I love #7!

Happy New Year...from another new fan!

Amanda on January 1, 2010 at 11:53 PM said...

So you gnawed out your uterus too? Awesome. Happy New Year.

And just for the record, that photo of the sexy vampire in the upper right hand corner is making me totally hot...

Noelle on January 1, 2010 at 11:55 PM said...

i love this list...it so fits my mood today!

oh yeah...and lap vomit...what the hell is that?! or do i really even want to know...?

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick on January 2, 2010 at 4:37 AM said...

" gnaw out the future possibilities of my own uterus." Oh my god. I'm going to have to quote you on that. And I was just thinking how cool it is now that they put a pen in the middle of the mall for the wild kids to run rampant. The day after Christmas it was SRO in there and I turned to my 19-year-old son and said, "When you were little malls didn't have these. We had to drag you kids around with us to try on bras."

kimber p on January 2, 2010 at 9:41 AM said...

I loved reading your list of resolutions, #5 made me chuckle out loud, because I actually said that to a co-worker the other day..I seriously couldn't think of anything nice to say about it after I blurted out that I noticed something had changed about her...it was hideous!

Erin on January 2, 2010 at 7:46 PM said...

LMAO--I am guilty of often saying "yeah, i heard that's going around." will have to stop it pronto!!

My name is PJ. on January 3, 2010 at 5:22 AM said...

I got to number eight and laughed so hard I spew coffee from my nose!!!!

Ambrosia on January 3, 2010 at 3:38 PM said...

Oh my goodness. Where do you come up with this stuff and can you let me in on the secret? : )

P.S. I am sick. There must be something going around.

Corrie Howe on January 3, 2010 at 6:21 PM said...

Thanks for stopping by and following Just Because My Pickle Talks..." We are following back.

lisa-grandma-s-briefs on January 3, 2010 at 6:30 PM said...

You are too, too funny! I love #6 ... although it's the big E word that's making my life a little difficult right now!

Happy New Year!!

The Boob Nazi on January 4, 2010 at 10:19 AM said...

2 is my favorite too... hahahaha so true

Tiffany on January 4, 2010 at 11:06 AM said...

seriously, if i hear any more about the freaking economy i'm going to scream!

mykidsarefun on January 4, 2010 at 11:19 AM said...

#2 is SO true! LOL, love your list!

JennyMac on January 4, 2010 at 4:32 PM said...

Oh this is )%$#(*^!(^! fantastic.

Coffeypot on January 4, 2010 at 7:46 PM said...

Thank you for stopping by and joining the fun. I'll reciprocate (God I love using big ass words) now.

The Absence of Alternatives on January 5, 2010 at 1:22 AM said...

Happy New Year to you too, m'lady! Pray thee do tell, what kind of illness is "vodka immunity"? It is of great concern to me and I need to be aware of it. xxoo

Corrie Howe on January 5, 2010 at 5:12 AM said...

Yet another creative post after New Years! My husband's list of side effects is funny too. My favorite thing he says is, "if you wish to become pregnant or sleep anywhere near someone who wishes to become pregnant...don't take this medication."

LiLu on January 5, 2010 at 8:58 AM said...

HAHAHAHA oh god I love #6. Not happening for me any time soon, consider my job at an international financial place, but still. It would be so NICE.

Sabreena on January 5, 2010 at 11:22 AM said...

Happy New Year! Great list. I wonder if we're standing behind the same person at the store. This mainly occurs at Walmart.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen on January 5, 2010 at 11:25 AM said...

Isn't that the worst when someone behind you has snarky breath...makes you gag.

Peterson Family on January 5, 2010 at 11:58 AM said...

Love your list! Whenever I get meds I always read the side effects and then somehow would rather deal with whatever I am fighting off WITHOUT the use of the meds! Ick!

JD at I Do Things on January 5, 2010 at 12:42 PM said...

Mmmm. Failure sauce.

G-Zell on January 6, 2010 at 9:32 AM said...

I love it.. and so hate the breath that smells like asss ROFL>... you know that has been going around.. LOL.....

I try to hold my breath inline and not breath it in because I have a high gag tolerance.. I can't hold my breath long enough to save my life or maybe kill myself from not breathing anyways.. yup sucks balls.

The Absence of Alternatives on January 8, 2010 at 7:08 AM said...

I am very sorry for #8. LOL. I don't know what happened to my comment. So I am here, wishing you a Happy New Year on Jan. 8. It still counts! It is still January!

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