Sunday, July 25, 2010

Stork Screw

















Thanks to my supreme parenting skills, my son now thinks he comes from a urinal.


I know.... I know....


I should have gotten a book to explain where babies come from but I thought…hey, I had a baby…I should be able to do this.


It’s not like I’m trying to explain how to change a tire or anything.


And plus, I thought pictures would be gross.


What I didn’t expect to encounter were the dodge balls of giggles, EWWWW’s, THAT'S DISGUSTING’s and THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD's I'd have to side swipe before getting in at least one coherent sentence.


What the hell were they talking about in the school hallways that sounded so much more glamorous than what I was putting down here?


Apparently, I’d shattered some pretty glitzy misconceptions of conception.


And in the end, I have a feeling that all my son got out of the whole damn thing is that mommy is a giant egg hatcher just like the Queen Alien and Daddy is the cool one with flying sperm.


Having to convince him that Daddy doesn’t really need a cape and a seat on the Justice League for this grand feat was a whole other conversation.


And I take umbrage (now there’s a word nobody gives a crap about anymore) to taking a back seat to flying sperm.


I want my cape dammit!


Pffft! …..Flying sperm


Please!


I hatch eggs!!



Oh well, at least I filled up his what-I-learned-over-my-summer-vacation-arsenal.


Think I’ll get letters home in September?

58 comments:

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick on July 26, 2010 at 4:01 AM said...

OMG, this is so funny!
This brings back memories of when I told my son about where babies come from.
Him: "Janelle told me why you and Daddy sometimes sleep naked."
Me: "WHAT? We do not! OK, what did she say?"
Him: "I'm not telling you."
Me: "If I tell you the real reason, will you tell me what Janelle said?"
Him: "OK."
[I told him. I had to pick him up off the floor, he was laughing so hard at one point.]
Me: "Is that what Janelle told you?"
Him: "Nooooo!"
And then he wouldn't tell me what Janelle's version was. Tricked again.

Dual Mom on July 26, 2010 at 4:27 AM said...

Not only do you hatch eggs, but you also lay eggs, which is really quite impressive. Much better than flying sperm.

Moooooog35 on July 26, 2010 at 5:30 AM said...

Um...I hate to break this to you, but sperm can fly.

Just depends on how much back pressure you're talking about.

The more you know.

ReformingGeek on July 26, 2010 at 5:54 AM said...

LOL!

No cape. Good.

Flying Sperm meets Egg Hatcher. They could be a blockbuster.

Oh, wait.

Simply Suthern on July 26, 2010 at 5:55 AM said...

We always blamed our 4th kid on the 3rd kid. She always asked and prayed for a baby sister so when one came along we always told her it was her fault. Lovely huh?? LOL.

She came home from school one day saying it wernt her fault. She saw a movie at school and it was our fault and it was gross.

The Urban Cowboy on July 26, 2010 at 6:17 AM said...

Hmmm...flying sperm, I never thought of it that way. I think I need a mask and a cape.

Ed on July 26, 2010 at 7:05 AM said...

It's not if or how the sperm fly, but where.

Plus, "Egg Hatcher" sounds better than "Sperm Catcher".

Quirkyloon on July 26, 2010 at 7:24 AM said...

I take umbrage at the fact that you dissed the word!

Ha!

Kidding!

AND... I thought this was going to be an "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" story. Have you seen this show on TLC? They ALWAYS poop the baby out in the terlet!

Yikes!

BLOGitse on July 26, 2010 at 8:09 AM said...

LOL!
If you don't get any letters I'll send you one. Let me know! :)

BLOGitse

Andrea on July 26, 2010 at 8:41 AM said...

I don't want to get into that conversation. Can't they just be born knowing??? And don't even get me started on the fact that my pregnancies were horrible and the children come out looking exactly like my husband...yeah, I am an egg hatcher.

BugginWord on July 26, 2010 at 9:11 AM said...

If you haven't read it yet, you really should read Dufmanno's post today. You two should open up a box of wine and talk it out. http://dufmanno.wordpress.com/2010/07/26/the-horrifying-incident-involving-the-boy-his-mouth-a-44-minute-wait-on-line-the-word-vagina-and-fifty-scandalized-hungry-patrons/

Yankee Girl on July 26, 2010 at 9:29 AM said...

You TOTALLY have a cape. Trust me. Those eggs you lay are magical.

Sperm is not magical. It's yucky and just makes a mess.

blueviolet on July 26, 2010 at 9:44 AM said...

You might as well start writing your rebuttal now.

Linda Medrano on July 26, 2010 at 10:47 AM said...

When my mother explained the process to me and showed me diagrams, I assumed that the whole procedure of sex was only performed in hospitals under a doctor's supervision. And sperm is not really a big deal. I used sunscreen to go out yesterday including in my cleavage. My husband asked me what the white goo smears were on my boobs. I just looked at him. What did he think? Sunscreen? Naw.

Aging Mommy on July 26, 2010 at 1:35 PM said...

He's a boy so naturally is going to think flying sperm superior to eggs :-) I am so dreading these conversations with my daughter but at least I know I will do a better job than my husband who refused to even discuss what my daughter believes is the "poop" in his pants.........

Joann Mannix on July 26, 2010 at 3:20 PM said...

I like the word umbrage very much.

Here's how I did it: In the middle of an afternoon, I slammed back a glass of wine and told my hubs to call the oldest girl in from playing outside with her neighborhood friends. I had the book. I had the talk all planned out. When I caught myself making stick puppets out of my fingers and saw the horrified look on her face, I knew it was an epic fail.

When I finally freed her from what had to be the most awkward 20 minutes of her life, she fled from the room. My hubs was waiting for her in the kitchen. He asked her if she had any questions. She said no and that she would never be doing that ever because it was disgusting. He then added to her horror by saying, "Well, how do you think you were made?"

She screamed as she ran. I don't know if any of us will ever be the same.

Aunt Becky on July 26, 2010 at 3:36 PM said...

I really won't tell you how it went down with Ben. It's always a treat, huh. This is why parents didn't talk about it, I guess.

I like the alien idea best, myself. The whole thing is fracking creepy.

Karen Mortensen on July 26, 2010 at 4:30 PM said...

I just don't know what to say. It was just too funny.

Tiffany on July 26, 2010 at 6:27 PM said...

'umbrage'. i saw that and was all 'now that word is delicious.'

i have no idea how i'll be explaining such adult encounters to my kids. i can assure you i'll get letters though. my directness is both a blessing and a curse.

Tracie on July 26, 2010 at 6:43 PM said...

I WAS going to ask you to give my boys The Talk for me. Thanks a lot!

Lisa@GrandmasBriefs on July 26, 2010 at 7:07 PM said...

I love umbrage. It goes wonderfully with tomatoes! Mmm...!

When you get the letters in the fall (and that's WHEN, not IF), I hope you'll respond to them in as humorous manner as you write here. Then those teachers will know who they're messing with and back off.

And if they don't, sic your cape-wearing hubby on them. YOU managed the talk; he can manage saving your ass from the repercussions of that talk!

Lauren on July 26, 2010 at 7:53 PM said...

Maybe you should post a "How to" video for moms on YouTube. Terri Hatcher could play you telling your son about the birds and the super hero sperms. I bet the sperms would win in an aerodynamics contest. You could call the video "Flights of Fancy." Please don't get Woody Allen to play one of the sperms. Though he'd probably do it in a heart beat.

Amo on July 26, 2010 at 8:33 PM said...

I am leaving this conversation to my husband for our boys. If we had girls, I would do it, but now it is allll him. I may have to supervise, though. I don't want him using words like "your junk" and "pork".

The Empress on July 26, 2010 at 9:29 PM said...

oh, the talk, the talk...we used books, it makes it so much easier to sit and talk about it...

My name is PJ. on July 27, 2010 at 5:20 AM said...

"mommy is a giant egg hatcher just like the Queen Alien and Daddy is the cool one with flying sperm." - just remember, Flying Sperm is nothing but a big mess without Giant Egg Hatcher.

May I state that your new job has taken you away from us far too often for my liking. No one conferred with me about this. I am not happy.

The Single Mothers Chronicles on July 27, 2010 at 8:51 AM said...

I had to give up and get a book - my explanation was all umm's and well...so's - meaning I used no verbs or nouns and definitely no adjectives - my daughter had no idea what I said but I sweat four buckets in 9 minutes...with the book, I just went page by page. And at the end she said it was gross and she doesn't ever want kids.

oops.
Swati

IASoupMama on July 27, 2010 at 9:40 AM said...

Oy, I had the good luck of being the parent my son asked, "How do babies get inside your tummmy?"

Here's how that one went down: http://www.iasoupmama.com/2010/05/birds-and-bees-and-flowers-and-trees.html

I think I might have had an easier time explaining algebra to him...

Southern Sage on July 27, 2010 at 6:24 PM said...

Sigh. The correct answer is "I dunno, ask your daddy!"

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on July 27, 2010 at 9:21 PM said...

Flying sperm!!!! That's the best one I've heard yet. And yes. I am sending your cape FED EX. Right away.

李威昌v彥霖 on July 28, 2010 at 1:00 AM said...

文章寫的不錯~推一把( ̄ー ̄〃)............................................................

The girl with the flour in her hair on July 28, 2010 at 11:22 AM said...

Hee hee...my son thinks that the doctor cut my leg off, took the baby out and then sewed the leg back on. I think I should have just told him he came from a urinal. That sounds easier.

The Blue Zoo on July 28, 2010 at 12:47 PM said...

LOL Aw man. I am so NOT looking forward to this convo. Not at all!

Maggie on July 29, 2010 at 2:51 AM said...

The other parents are going to be hunting you down in droves! Seriously!

And you're going to get blog hits like I do now. All this sperm talk!

FranticMommy on July 29, 2010 at 4:06 AM said...

I'd go with urinal theme. Might be easier that having to use words like "womb" or "va-gy-gy). I believe all kids should believe their parents are Super Heros. My son thinks I rock just because I can look at the eyes of a plastic dino or stuff animal and tell him if it's a boy or a girl. It's special skill. Don't hate. ;)

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings on July 29, 2010 at 7:52 AM said...

My husband would love the idea of his sperm wearing a cape. Oy!

Jayne Martin on July 29, 2010 at 9:21 AM said...

Having never hatched an egg myself, I can only go by "the talk" my mother gave me. It involved the use of our dachshund, Gretchen, as a model and for years I thought Gretchen was my birth mother.

I'm still confused.

adrienzgirl on July 29, 2010 at 12:40 PM said...

Yeah...um...thinking you are definitely going to be getting some remarks come September!

Flying sperm and capes? Pshhhaw!

Brahm (alfred lives here) on July 29, 2010 at 4:35 PM said...

Awesome opening line, maybe the best ever!

"... my son now thinka he comes from a urinal."

I have read it like five times and laughed every single one. Yes am that much of a dork.

Love your post as always!

Unknown Mami on July 30, 2010 at 11:12 AM said...

Umbrage isn't that a store that sells cool modern housewares?

Jen on July 30, 2010 at 11:27 AM said...

Flying sperm, well, that explains a lot!

Joy on July 30, 2010 at 10:32 PM said...

The giant egg hatcher is responsible for whole the human race. She's pretty darn cool. Take that flying sperm. I was laughing so hard until I realized that in a few short years I will be having to give this little talk.

允黃淑 on July 31, 2010 at 4:44 AM said...

不論做什麼事,相信自己,別讓別人的一句話,把你擊倒。.......................................................

Erin on July 31, 2010 at 2:03 PM said...

I can't wait to have to tell my kids about our in vitro and that I first saw them as embryos in a Petri dish. LOL. I think I'll leave out the part about what daddy had to do in the private room with magazines while the doctor was sucking my eggs out with a needle jammed into my ovaries. hahahahhahaaahaa

KimSetser on August 1, 2010 at 9:30 AM said...

This post cracked me up. Brought back some memories of my son telling my mother and a small town restaurant fullmof people " me and mommy and daddy have sex." He had just asked me what sex was the day before and I said "it's when people kiss." sometimes we need to give more information :)

Kate Hanke on August 1, 2010 at 5:28 PM said...

I just stumbled across your blog. I love it! I'm going to poke around, I promise to put everything back where I found it!

Recommended Daily Dose

Laila on August 2, 2010 at 7:43 AM said...

I like to give the barest amount of info and let the five year old mind fill in the gaps - makes for some hilarious tales.

Captain Dumbass on August 2, 2010 at 9:28 AM said...

The Alien Queen was pretty badass. How about a Star Wars analogy? Your egg could be the Death Star and hubby could be either Luke Skywalker or Lando Calrrisian.

Hmm, guess that doesn't help. Still, your son would understand.

BLOGitse on August 2, 2010 at 10:01 AM said...

You are still blogging!
I noticed your comment on Jayne's blog...
Are you enjoying summer holiday? having fun? :) I do hope so! See you!

ps. please please change your comment option so that it has Name/URL option.
Google gives wrong link next to my avatar...pleaase!

秀吉秀吉 on August 3, 2010 at 8:10 AM said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼....................................................

Ma What's 4 dinner on August 3, 2010 at 2:51 PM said...

Ahhh beware the flying sperm!!! What were they discussing in the hallways? Kind of nervous about that.

Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com

Midwestern Mama Holly on August 3, 2010 at 8:26 PM said...

LOL!!! TOO Funny.

smArtee on August 6, 2010 at 2:21 PM said...

Haaa...I have girls so it was much better for me...but you ladys with the boys have a lot of responsibility..to prepare these lads for their future wives..I think you did great.....like Alexandra used books, we used cartoon videos from the library...now that I think back.....Eeeeew....!

Annie (Lady M) x on August 9, 2010 at 4:12 AM said...

Just look at it this way - laying eggs is your superhero power. Beats flying sperm any day.

Loved your opener by the way 'my son thinks he comes from a urinal'! Very funny indeed

The Absence of Alternatives on August 11, 2010 at 12:44 AM said...

Ahhhh THE Talk... Luckily we are not there yet. Perhaps my 12 yo is learning all about it on Facebook. Ugh. My 7 year old told me the other day that girl's private is disgusting because where there should be a penis, there is no penis but hair.

Saucy B on August 16, 2010 at 9:34 AM said...

hee hee. My son just turned 5 and i KNOW this conversation is going to need to happen in the near future in our house. I refuse to use a book either. I'm still scarred by the one my mom gave me, "Where Did I come From?" featurning cartoon drawings of really ugly, hairy, naked people. bleh!

An Imperfect Momma on August 16, 2010 at 9:42 AM said...

LOL. I am definitely not looking forward to this conversation. Not sure I want to now...LOL. Still laughing at the flying sperm. Awesomeness.

DeNae on August 16, 2010 at 4:45 PM said...

The thing is, guys really DO think they belong on the Justice League for doing the deed - like being able to have sex is their super-power. There's no point fighting it; it's too late for your son.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels on August 18, 2010 at 4:24 AM said...

We have a book called "It's so amazing!" that really made my job SO.MUCH.EASIER. when I got pregnant with #2 and had to explain my daughter what was going on and... well, how the heck we got there ;-)

I'm lucky I guess, 'cause my husband accepts the fact that his role is so much smaller than mine in the whole pregnancy and childbirth area :-D

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