Monday, February 28, 2011

Blog Take-Out

So there is an unwritten rule in a small, six-person office:

You can NOT order lunch without asking anyone else if they would like something.

I hate this rule.

Somebody ALWAYS takes me up on it.

And then, part b to that rule is that whoever orders the food has to be the one to collect all the money and pay the delivery guy when he comes.

Again, me.

Now where I come from, the Number 5 on a Chinese menu is around $4.85. Comes with soda or eggroll give or take a typo.

Can someone take a stab in someone’s eye on how much the guy who orders the Number 5 gives me to pay each time?

Go 'head, poke another eye out

That’s right,

...5 dollars.

No excuses.

No apologies.

No lame pretend show like he's looking for some extra change but really just scratching his balls...

Just five dollars.

What about tax?

What about tip?

What about the punch in the face I want to give you for taking me up on the offer every time in the first place?

Does .15 cents cover that Ducksauce Douche face?

Huh? Well? Does it??!!!

So do I scream out what I think of him?... Set him on fire?

and risk …and risk….

sounding cheap?

Hmmm…Six person office…have to live with him for more hours than my husband at this point…the words I curse can’t be made up with a blow job….

Ok, at least I can do the math.

But don’t for one second think I haven’t mother f*#!ked him in my head to death by now.

That’s how I get away with not giving my husband blow job.

I know. I know, I’m supposed to be concentrating at work here.

But all I can think about is how much this guy will be into me by the year 2020.

It will pay for my mortgage one day I’m sure of it!

...or at least one Gyno visit.

Now I have to bring in my own lunch everyday dammit.

.15 cents adds up people!

No Jew or Catholic bones about it.

That’s right, I put Jew first.

Hey, I'm ordering lunch.

Anyone want anything?


Kate Pantier @ Mommy Monologues on February 28, 2011 at 7:12 AM said...


You are nicer than me I just wouldn't offer anymore. They get their own lunch...

A Daft Scots Lass on February 28, 2011 at 7:17 AM said...

Wait for someone else to order and then short change them...

BugginWord on February 28, 2011 at 7:21 AM said...

Just tell him they raised their prices. Add yourself a nice little finders fee, baby.

Anonymous said...

I hate when this sort of thing happens and like you, it always feels like it's ME who's paying the diff.


How do some people NOT have a clue?

Mama-Face on February 28, 2011 at 7:37 AM said...

Oh yeah. I would totally be the person taking the $5 and bursting a capillary every time. Maybe someone else in the office could be the bad guy/gal? A mediator? Just a suggestion. Oh, you weren't asking for suggestions, were you?

Simply Suthern on February 28, 2011 at 7:49 AM said...

I went to lunch and the guy says oops I dont have any money. What?? This aint a date, you cant pull that. But no I say "I'll spot ya till we get back" I aint sure where he thinks till we get back is. Its been 2 yrs.

I'll have the Salt & Pepper chicken, spring roll and Hot and sour soup please.

I'll buy, you fly.

life in the mom lane on February 28, 2011 at 8:51 AM said...

yeah it totally is not worth it... what a pain!

Unknown on February 28, 2011 at 10:25 AM said...

Oh hell no. That would be the last time I asked him if he's wants anything. Tell the sob they went up on the price or something. You order let him pay the delivery guy. That's why I don't work in an office anymore. I'm not that freaking nice.

Linda Medrano on February 28, 2011 at 11:02 AM said...

I worked for the president of a company. He would regularly borrow money from me, and it would take him sometimes weeks to repay it. (I didn't want to look cheap and say "Where's my $50 fuck face?". Go ahead and look cheap! Say to the dude "Yeah, $4.85 is fine. Then with the tax and tip, let's call it $6.35." Then pocket the .35 cents! That'll fix him!

Simply Suthern on February 28, 2011 at 11:27 AM said...

OK Bitchin time.

I hate the guy that orders a big meal, 4 drinks and a dessert has them put it all on one tab and says "Oh, lets just split it however many ways there are folks. Split what?? Your Skull??

OK Im done.

Coffeypot on February 28, 2011 at 11:59 AM said...

Nah! I'm going to the Waffle House.

Annie (Lady M) x on February 28, 2011 at 12:55 PM said...

That bloke ordering a No.5 is a tight bastard. He probably thinks that you don't notice that he doesn't pay in full (bet he hasn't got a girlfriend).

I say do what Linda Medrano says. Either that or take your own lunch with you in the morning. That'll teach the git!

Captain Dumbass on February 28, 2011 at 2:07 PM said...

Fuck em all and order for yourself.

ReformingGeek on February 28, 2011 at 3:02 PM said...

Yeah, you were too nice.

Wait. Did you say you spit in his drink?

Hee Hee.

Jayne Martin on February 28, 2011 at 5:00 PM said...

BAHAHAHA! I'm so glad you're back. You are too funny. Thanks. I needed a good laugh today.

Nona Nita on February 28, 2011 at 5:21 PM said...

Next time keep the egg roll and when he asks where it is, tell him you gave it to the delivery boy as his part of the tip.

Unknown on February 28, 2011 at 7:58 PM said...

Bwahaha... awesome post!

I stopped asking if people want coffee. Too many takers. Let everyone get their own damn lunch.

Unknown on February 28, 2011 at 8:27 PM said...

The world is a better place when you post. Loved it! You've still got it!

Is your co-worker's name George Costanza by any chance? I love how you include a blow job as a side dish on #5.

Odds are that Chinese Food guy wears the Moo Shu Pork for a day or two after lunch. He doesn't need to order everyday.

God! How I hate ordering lunch in a small office. I'm the one who usually over pays.

Ziva on March 1, 2011 at 1:02 AM said...

You know, if you by some horrible mistake actually did set him on fire, he would probably make for pretty good lunch for the next week or so... Just add a little ketchup.

Rachele Bennett on March 1, 2011 at 11:09 AM said...

Coworkers: You can't beat 'em and they don't stay lit when the hair burns off.

Liz Mays on March 1, 2011 at 1:37 PM said...

I'd pack a lunch too. I really would. 15 cents can kill a girl these days.

drollgirl on March 1, 2011 at 3:59 PM said...

fuck that fucker. never again. infuriating! as if ordering lunch for a bunch of tools wasn't bad enough! argh!

i go out with two friends every now and again. and EVERY SINGLE TIME the same girl shorts us on the bill. every SINGLE time. it is maddening. she is a good friend, so i don't say anything. she is a BOOKKEEPER, so she should be good at math. sigh. it is frustrating. @$&!^!

gayle on March 1, 2011 at 6:50 PM said...

I would tell him ...........hey...I need a little more than that for taxes and tip.

The Absence of Alternatives on March 1, 2011 at 8:20 PM said...

Wow. As a rule we OVERpay the person who's in charge of getting lunch etc. and then we get into a slow tango of finding $0.12 of change to make sure we don't owe each other anything. Not one cent.

As a rule, we should just all go get our own lunch. I now schedule my calls overlapping lunch hour. ;-)

Wicked Shawn on March 3, 2011 at 6:28 AM said...

I hated the lunchtime office ritual. I always went out for lunch and whether it was true or not, I always had a plan to meet someone who I was either related to or was a former co-worker. Just sayin'.

Patty Punker on March 3, 2011 at 1:11 PM said...

i'd be like, "hey do you know how much the subway $5 footlong is"? and when he tilts his and says $5, you go "Bzzzzzzzz. It's $6 when you add tax, tip and round up like any non-douchey person would do."

Lisa@GrandmasBriefs on March 3, 2011 at 8:59 PM said...

Yet another reason I'm so glad to not have to deal with this or any other office rituals anymore! I feel for ya!

Sandra on March 4, 2011 at 9:17 PM said...

Screw Mrs. Nice Guy, you need to speak up! Everyone deserves to order out, and you shouldn't go without because of this cheap-ass douche bag! Speak woman! Speak!

Tiffany on March 7, 2011 at 3:31 PM said...


i hate small offices and office rules and force friendliness when all you want to do is punch someone in the face. you should let him know you're doing your taxes and his lack of pay-upness is severely affecting your return.

Jen on March 9, 2011 at 6:45 AM said...

Dang this made me laugh. I think you should just punch him in the face or groin next time it's time for take out. Make him get it. I hope you don't have to drive to pick up the food.

Anonymous said...

I used to offer in my little office of THREE, me and two other people. When I am hungry, I would ask if they wanted anything since I was going. Sometimes, they expected me to pay because I "offered", and then on the occasion I did pay, they would get something more expensive than what I would get.

Makes me think about when I was in the dating scene, I would always ask the guy what he was getting when we went to dinner. Now, I did this so I would know the approximate spending amount, usually I would get something of equal or lesser value. But that's just me.

Man, some people piss me off! I would stop offering, I would just go to lunch, or order it and say the hubby sent it...then what could they say? :)

Anonymous said...

Hee hee are freaking funny. I once stood up in my cubicle with a can of lysol and sprayed it into the cube next door as the dude was eating his lunch (it smelled rank and I was preggo). I think you should leave this blog up on your screen and hope he reads it...

Cake Betch on April 1, 2011 at 10:29 AM said...

Hahaha! I'm so glad we don't have that rule here. Not that it would matter because I never take a lunch anyway. Sad face.

Marjana Simic on April 8, 2011 at 12:35 PM said...

That's so frustrating! I know first hand because even though I work in an office with over 50 people, I'm usually the one organizing the group lunches and every single time I have to overpay. People just play stupid. But everyone gets what they deserve one day.

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