Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Short Drive to Crazy








“Stop at the next rest area and let me drive” my husband says between clenched teeth.


Can simmering agitation cause cavities?


“Why? What’s wrong with my driving?” I ask while applying fresh lip gloss in the rear view mirror.


Nothing if there were an official LaLa Lane


LaLa Lane? Is that the one on the left?


“I’m not in LaLa land!” Digging through my purse “I’m was just trying to get a good station” Now where are those tweezers?


“Fine, let me know when I wake up from the coma if it was worth it” He turns to give the window his full attention and grumbles “I hope our wills are in order”


Just under two more hours to go! Squawks the GPS.


“Hey, did you know that they had a Men’s, Women’s and Unisex bathroom at the last rest stop?” I asked conversationally.


“So which one did you choose?”


Funny. I married a funny guy “Actually, I was a little confused. Why do you think they have that?”


“I don’t know. Why do you keep playing with every button in the car instead of concentrating on the road?”


Did I say funny?


Sometimes words fail.


Still just under two hours? Hasn’t like an hour passed already?


“Hey, you know…” Oh, I love that song….lemme just program that station… “I read something hysterical on Bugginword the other day….she came up with the funniest name....hey, when did they put that there?......anyway, what do you think of the name Magillicutty Vagina Juice....


“Pull over and let me drive!”


Huh?”


“Your mind is obviously overflowing with Magillicutty Vagina Juice and, if you don’t mind, I don’t feel like dying today”


Sheesh!


“Fine”


His features always look way more relaxed from the driver’s side anyway. And I’m all about making him more relaxed (-:

Friday, January 1, 2010

January - The World's Biggest Monday








I never make resolutions.

Why?

Because it only sets me up for a big steaming plate of high pressure drizzled in all flavors of failure sauce.

And I have resolved to never let that happen.

Nope, no new self-administered lofty annual expectations for me!

So instead of conjuring up some new plans of what I should do and eventually won’t, this year I made a list of the things that I will be waiting for others NOT to do.

The Think it’s Funny but it’snot List

1. I will wait for the person behind me on line to not have breath that smells like ass

2. I will wait for a time when someone finally does not say “yeah, there’s something going around” when they hear you are sick

3. I will wait for a person not to say “wow, you missed a great party” when they know you were home sick…because something is going around.

4. I will wait for Revlon not to write me an ugly I-told-you-so-letter about the nasty ramifications of coloring all of my grey hairs

5. I will wait for a co-worker not to say “oh you cut your hair….” and then say… nothing

6. I will anxiously await the time when we are not saying the word economy as much as the word the

7. I will wait for all the screeching mall children to not make me want to gnaw out the future possibilities of my own uterus.

8. I will wait for someone to not try to explain to me once again that is getting paid for blogging not getting laid for blogging....ballbag buzz killers!

9. I will wait for my pants to please not notice the five pounds that I’ve gained and squeeze me in for an appointment.

10. I will wait for the one cure-all pill that may not cause dizziness, random tree humping, loss of left testicle, vaginal discharge, brain farting, lap vomit, pudge gain, divorce-causing mood swings, unexplained bowel leaks, erectile dysfunction (unless in my favor), green excrement, abnormal skin shedding, vodka immunity, acid pee, congealing ear wax, fear of wet spots or sudden death


....Yup, I will wait patiently for all of these things.


But I will not wait to wish you all a Happy New Year!!!


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

No Name Today








Like I didn’t have enough trouble remembering Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday all on their own, everywhere I turn there is Memoir Monday, Sticking something Tuesday and Wordless (a complete impossibility for me) Wednesday.


Now I have a confession…sorry, I know that is for Fridays but still…I can’t keep up and clearly, I must suck if I can’t take time on Thursdays to figure out why.


So now I’m stuck with Blame Someone Else Saturdays followed by Get-Some (if I’m lucky) Sundays …which leaves me no time…unless Sundays are quick…which usually are…


Oh wait…my husband has just demanded an official vote be taken to overthrow Memoir Monday and replace with the ever popular -Blow Job Monday.


Say it with me….


Never happen


I must organize my blogging priorities…..ugh!…sorry…hold on


Okay, now he’s asking for Cook and Clean Something Tuesdays.


Are you kidding me?


Hello….trying to focus here...


What now?!….uh... excuse me?


He says he wants to know who he has to speak with to see if Wordless Wednesdays can be stretched out until Sunday.


I’ll have to get back to you guys…

Friday, December 18, 2009

Bangkah Zoomas!





















“I call you killer ‘cause you slay me”


Before the actual Man Show I believe that The Honeymooners could be considered the ultimate man show.


“Mind if I smoke?”


“I don’t care if you burn”


Truth be told, I married my husband because he quoted that very phrase of the Honeymooners to me and it was bang zoom from there (sometimes literally)!


The only difference now is that when we quote those lines back and forth to each other he actually wants me to burn.


Ah…10 years of marriage.


So with a fire extinguisher always on hand, our holiday would not be complete without a TV marathon of Honeymooners or The Twilight Zone series (It also helps to drown out the family drama)


Happy holidays all!


Not bad for the Jewish girl right?


Hope I don't burn!





Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Silence is Overrated









Sometimes work can be more than just a measly paycheck.


Sometimes there is some great blog material to be had (if you are nosy enough like me).


And sometimes it can be just a bunch of completely unsolicited crap spewed at you all day long.


But today was a good day as a co-worker informed everyone at lunch that her daughter, sadly, will not be in her Church Christmas pageant this year.


“Why not?” someone feigning interest asked in between bites.


C’mon like you would have cared either.


“Well" she explained "Because we received a newsletter home last week informing us that our Priest is gay


Blog alert! Blog alert!


“Gay huh?” finally something interesting around this dry joint “What’s the old Priest-Out-O'-Meter up to this week?” I asked


Well someone had to be the first


“Ha ha. So funny” she eye-rolled.


Well I thought so.


Dry Bat.


“Well, you don’t hear about any Rabbis goin’ out and gettin’ gay

do ya?"


Apparently, I only open my mouth to change feet.


Careful don’t-want-to-offend-because-I-have-to-live-with-these-people-five-days-a-week- chuckles lightly chime throughout the room.


Grow some balls people!


Non-attending-pageant-of-gay-priest mom continues “He decided to send a newsletter home explaining everything so that there wouldn’t be any talk


And they won’t talk now???!!!”


Would anyone have had the ability to keep quiet?


“I’m not sure but I do know that we are not attending that Church any longer. I was raised in a house where Gay was not the way


Hmmm…were her parents bumper stickers?


“That’s not to say that I don’t have many gay friends…” she quickly amended.


Can that statement be amended?


“Seems a shame that your daughter will be so disappointed. Can’t you just let her do the pageant this one year?” a brave soul asked


“But now he’s gay!” she gasps


Betcha anything he was gay yesterday too.


“And now he’ll be after little boys”


So, er, your daughter should be safe right?


“Who says that you’re automatically a Petafile when you’re gay?” Whoa...Go Accounting…represent!


I have got to eat slower


Everyone knows that. Priests are known for that” Not-The-Way-Mom raised by bumper stickers declared


So all actors and congressman are Petafiles too? What about my hair dresser? OMG… cut with gay scissors!!!! I must go home and hide my male cats!!!


Oops, did I say that out loud?


“It’s what I believe and I don’t have to explain myself!” huffy might be the most appropriate word here.


Well I guess that’s what religion is all about right? .....What you believe?


Hmmmm….now how to get out of this lunchroom gracefully.


“So….how’s about those Jews making up their minds on how to spell Chanukah...”


I really am my own worst disease.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Convenient Jew












When I don't want to send out Christmas cards or feel like decking the halls, I can usually explain it away by being Jewish.


"Do you go to Church?"


Nope, Jewish


"Wear a cross?"


Nope, Jewish


"Swallow?"


er....Jewish


When my husband looks at me like I've sprouted even more nose hairs because I can still crack up at Adam Sandler's Chanukah song I tell him "You just don't get it. I guess you have to be Jewish"


"For that your Jewish?!" He screeches


"Wow Honey, that was pretty good. You almost sounded like one of us. Next time a little more up-pitched on the "ish" part and..."


"You know what you are?" Man can he flare a nostril "You're Screwish!"


Screwish?


Do they get jewelry?


You'd think with all the burning exhales being emitted out of my husband's face our heating bills would be much lower.


"Why is it that I am always Catholic but you are only sometimes Jewish?"


Hmmm....he's got me there...or does he?


"O.K. fine. No problem. You want me to be Jewish all the time?"


mental silence


"Uh, no, not really" he mumbles as he leaves the room.


Score another one for the Screw!




So do you think Hallmark makes cards for Screwvous?



Mrs. Blogalotwitz


This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at ifevolutionworks.com for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at lollipopsandpickles.blogspot.com & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at lollipopsandpickles.blogspot.com & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami xoxo@heartsmakefamilies.com & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ tothemotherhood.com-& Vicki @ frugalmomknowsbest.com & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin @insightsandbellylaughs.com-find them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy @thewannabewahm.com for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine

 

Thank you Anat over at bsparkly.blogspot.com for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ thewifeyblogs.blogspot.com and Lisa @snugglebugglerockmom.blogspot.com!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness @heniperrr.blogspot.com/

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @ http://robyns-page.blogspot.com/

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @ http://robyns-page.blogspot.com/
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ homespunheartscandles.blogspot.com xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @ superheroesmom.com

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:


The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at Grandmasbriefs.com (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..


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A Must Read Award

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