No Post Radio!

I feel a severe bout of strange coming on.

Something unthinkable happened this holiday season.

I might even be talking to you from another dimension right now…I’m still not sure.

Not sure because if there is one thing I can depend on every holiday season, year in and year out…come hell or ...OK, just hell... it’s

Family Drama at Christmas.

Scream filled hallways splattered with insults and slights.

Legendary rifts dividing loved ones to separate corners forever....

So imagine my surprise when, with 2005 and 2008 grudge notes firmly in hand,

…it never came.

Maybe they were waiting until after dinner this time to begin the fallout festivities.

But even after the appropriate compliments on the food and dibs on leftovers were all said and done….

Still nothing.

Perhaps after suffering through each person’s sorry-ass, eight count piano rendition of Heart and Soul…

Nope.

Were they waiting for me to start?

‘cause I can do this.

Ooooh wait…

“Soooo how’s work going?” my sister in law asks as she slides herself onto the seat across from me.

Finally, here it comes.

I see my husband throw me a conspiring go-get-‘em wink.

I shoot him back my best Lock and Load heads up.

Ready.

“Not bad, putting in a lot of hours, you know, trying to make it work”

“That’s great. I envy you trying something different at this stage of your life. I wish I had the guts to try something else”

“…OH YEAH? WELL WHAT ABOUT THE TIME WHEN YOU SAID….huh?....wha?...

um...thanks”

?

OK, hold on here comes my other sister in law…a.k.a. Thing Two…. Now this is gonna be good.

“Hey I loved that cake you brought. It was delicious and wow your hair grew back so fast. It looks great!”

What the…..?

ALRIGHT, WHO’S DYING?

“er...thanks ….”

“Could you tell me who cuts your hair? I really need a new stylist”

“…GRRRRRRR.....I’ll email you the number…”

Am I dying?

What the HELL is happening here???!!

And it went on like this ALL night!

Everyone playing……….

NICE!

No bloodbath over Monopoly, no bruised feelings over past brawls that were securely embedded last time I checked.

What’s this world coming to when you can’t even depend on the annual Christmas fight that fuels us with the anger in which we’ve become accustomed to the entire year long?

Respective in-laws retreating into their cars to discuss the “can you believe’s” and “how could theys”.

The annual added layer of bitterness that helps build and sustain the completely, unhealthy drama that is so distinctively our family?

Don’t tell me I’ll have to find something else to talk to my husband about now.

All's I know is that 2010 ended with confusion and a well-prepared list of unspoken insults burning a hole in my stomach.

But, as the New Year rolled in..... it all became perfectly clear.

They're plotting to kill me.

Finally some action!

How was your family drama? (-:

I See Blog People

Hello!!!

I wanted to thank you guys for your kind and encouraging emails and comments. This blogworld has proven, yet again, to be over-the-top amazing. And I appreciate it more than you know.

If feels like a million years since I've been here! ...But betcha it feels longer to my husband who has been the unsuspecting, stand-in host to my incessant ramblings.

I don't think he quite knew what him 'em.

Surprise verbal attacks...it's what's for dinner.

Most of you know why I haven't been able to blog around as much as I'd like to these days.... and contrary to popular belief, I did not join the Witness Protection Program.

Their medical plan sucks just as much as my job's.

er...so I've heard...

No, it started with a stupid little perfume commercial…you know ....the one ‘bout

Bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan…

Uh. Yeah. That one.

Well, apparently all I can do with bacon is take it out of the refrigerator and stare at it with indecent and un-kosher like longing.

And my husband "cannot forget he’s a man" on his own damned time thank you very much.

Isn't that why God created airports?

But I was hoping, after a while-I know not to expect any miracles- to have my son be able to pick me out of a police line up without having to turn all the suspects around to face a computer before making a positive ID.

It’s the little things.

And my job....well, listen to this....

I actually have to pay attention in order to get paid.

I know! When exactly I allowed that to happen I have no idea.

But let's just say that whoever started the whole idea of commission-only crap should be shot.

Or blogged.

....Shafty, mind-twisting system that.

But since I've gotten all used to that electricity, eating and staying in my house thing...I thought it might be a good idea to give it my best shot.

And the truth is, I hate to feel like I'm doing half-ass at anything…

Obviously, I need to be a whole ass or nothing at all.

...My mother being proud wouldn't even begin to cover that last one.

All things life are hard to juggle at times I guess. And I really miss this blog that has been like a second home to me.

I knew I should have gone to Whole Ass Juggling College dammit!

OK, anyone not know what the hell I'm talking about, raise your hand.

I know, me too.

Didn't know you had front row seats to Erratic and Unstable Mind Theatre did ya?

Clearly holding in your blogs is bad for the system.

Bacon...Police Line ups... The Mortgage Mofia...

It’s rough up here IRL yo.

…and the diseases and germs!....OMG you would not believe the diseases and germs!…..Man, good thing I don’t talk or touch people!

But it really feels good to visit and be back here. I've missed you guys!

And honestly, I think of you all more often then my short attention span should technically allow and hope you guys are doing well and are still as awesome as ever!

So I guess this all begs the question….

What do you all think of bacon?

(-:

Blog Break

You guys know I love you right?

Well you better!

Just taking a little time off from the blog.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m going to go out and start talking to people or anything.

Talk about crazy.

And no, I don’t have any great plans to work on a book, climb a mountain, commit the perfect crime…

But maybe I will see if TLC wants to start a new reality series called Why Bloggers Leave. But letmetellyousomething....if its air date competes with that guy with the four wives, you can count me out...

You can bet I'll be too busy watching that bad boy to care about anything I might have to say.

But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this whole blogging experience has been awesome.

BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sometimes they just don't make fonts big enough)

Individually and collectively....YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!!

Again, I demand a new font.

You all have been spectacular blog friends and I wanted to thank you for that.

THANK YOU!

I feel kind of bad not emailing all of you individually but that would seem way too permanent for me and permanent stains clothes so...

It's nice to know that you guys know what I mean even when I don't.

So as long as Blogger's not charging me rent or anything, I'll be around....

And I hope you don’t mind that I still hang out over at your blogs from time to time ….

I’ve already paid off Blog Security so don't even try it. And I don't want to clean up too much dust around here when I come back so who's going to volunteer to help me clean while I'm away?

Did I mention that I love you guys?

(-:

See you soon!

XOXOXOXO!!!

Blog Draft

Hmmmm…..

Let’s see….

-Blog about my co-workers continuing and unfortunate bathroom issues….

Naw...not enough blog spray on earth.

-Blog about the nosy work apes hanging all over me all the time so I can’t get any blog peace and quiet…

Naw....if there’s no bloodshed what’s the point?

-Blog about how I wish there were big comic-comment bubbles over peoples heads instead of having to wince away from their bad breath…

TAKE A MINT ARCHIE!

Naw, bad idea...then they’d know I was lying half the time.

Ok seventy-five percent.

-Write about something meaningful.

?

Create a Blog national anthem. …Buy a poultry dress with matching purse …continue to wonder if you pronounce Illinois like Ill-a-noise or Ill-an-oy…Blog about how one can say the word persnickety so many times over and over that they lose all feeling in the face…why thinking vagina when someone says angina… then, naturally… Aunt Jemima…is wrong...

Is my life the blog or is the blog my life?!!!

BREATHE!

OK.

Much better.

Not really.

Now what?

Talk?

Naw...gave it up for blogging (-:

Do you guys still...you know...um, talk?