Monday, September 27, 2010

Blog Draft


Let’s see….

-Blog about my co-workers continuing and unfortunate bathroom issues….

Naw...not enough blog spray on earth.

-Blog about the nosy work apes hanging all over me all the time so I can’t get any blog peace and quiet…

Naw....if there’s no bloodshed what’s the point?

-Blog about how I wish there were big comic-comment bubbles over peoples heads instead of having to wince away from their bad breath…


Naw, bad idea...then they’d know I was lying half the time.

Ok seventy-five percent.

-Write about something meaningful.


Create a Blog national anthem. …Buy a poultry dress with matching purse …continue to wonder if you pronounce Illinois like Ill-a-noise or Ill-an-oy…Blog about how one can say the word persnickety so many times over and over that they lose all feeling in the face…why thinking vagina when someone says angina… then, naturally… Aunt Jemima…is wrong...

Is my life the blog or is the blog my life?!!!



Much better.

Not really.

Now what?


Naw...gave it up for blogging (-:

Do you guys, talk?

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Internal Blog

When I was ten years old, I used to think that I had a crazy uncle.

He would pretend to wrestle snapping turtles out of the lake, he’d shoot bats at night in the backyard and he would sell cotton balls on paper plates during the day in Central Park claiming that they had the ability to tune you into this one of a kind, amazing station….


I know now why my mother would never let me stay at my cousin’s house for any extended period of time.

But on one rare visit, with prison-like supervision, I happened to catch a glimpse of his wares that were laid out and all ready to go. I watched with an open mouth as he cotton stuffed both of his ears, closed his eyes and proceeded to tap one foot gently up and down.

Could there be any truth to the cotton balls? Was my mother the one who was crazy?

Not being able to contain myself, I asked “What are you listening to?” and picked up some fallen cotton balls for closer inspection.

“W.Y.O.U.” he replied not even opening an eye at my half curious half incredulous ten year old tone.

W.Y.O.U.?I wondered if my Aunt was aware of his severe sanity limitations.

"What are you talking about? There is no such station.” Glad to be the one to finally state the obvious.

Maybe it just took a kid to set him straight. Wouldn’t my family be proud?

“But of course there is” he replied calm as you please and reached out to hand me two fresh cotton balls “Go on. Try them”

Darting a sneaky glance left and right to ensure that my mother wasn’t watching, I shoved a fat white cushy ball in each ear and waited for….well….something.

“I don’t hear anything” my own disappointed voice echoed in my head

“Oh yes you do” My crazuncle insisted. “Shhh…Just listen

I knew he was nuts. How could I have even questioned my poor sweet mother?

Fifty-five seconds later. “Nope still nothing” I declared victoriously.

EXACTLY! He announced sharply.

Should I run?

“When you tune out the world, you listen to the best station around W.Y.O.U. It is the only way to hear yourself clearly without any interruption. Isn’t it amazing?”

Oh yes, how do you keep ample stock of such a precious commodity?

More so, how do you answer a crazy yet beloved uncle without offending his non-sensibilities?

Hmmmm????……. Oh!

I know!!! I know!!! How about by growing up to be just like him?

No, I don’t sell cotton balls on paper plates in the park but I do listen to the sounds of W.Y.O.U. quite often. And truthfully, I prefer it to any rap station that’s out there these days.

My only variation is that I prefer W.Y.O.U. AM (After Margaritas) and we’ve all seen how that can turn out…. but that won’t stop me!

Still the listening pleasure is free and blares for a solid eight to twelve hours a day.

Go ahead. Try it. You know you want to.

W.Y.O.U….do you hear it??

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Jew Hoo

So last week I was conveniently Jewish for the holiday.

I figured, new job, new bosses...need to get ‘em trained right off the bat right?


If there is an optional, religious holiday day off in question, sticker me Jewish please.

Nobody has ever questioned my Jewishness before.

Before last week that is….

Obviously Not Jewish Boss: “So what holiday is this anyway? I can never keep all of them straight.”

Who made you the Holiday Jew Police?

....and I don't know.

Starting to Sweat Convenient Jew: “It’s a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very religious holiday. We don’t like to talk about it”

Obviously Not Jewish Boss: “So what will you do on your day off? Go to temple?”

What’s with the inquisition Helen Hitler?

Now Schvitzing Profusely Convenient Jew: “Err, um..” searching Jewish…. Memory….Banks….Grandmother'

“cough, cough” - oh this is good - “cough, cough…something… caught…. In…throat, cough” grabs neck for effect.






Peeks one eye open....... Obviously Not Jewish Boss still staring.

So much for water for the choking Jewish girl.

Maybe she wants me dead.

Remind me to check her office for ovens.

Recovering Convenient Jew: “Cough, cough....Whew, that was a close one! …Sooooo…errr…what about those Irish laughing it up at funerals huh?...”

*Jew cricket?*

This Jewish thing is getting tough.

I might have to change jobs if this keeps up.

Is it too early to put in for Chanukah?

Nobody ever questions that one…thank God!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Name Shaft

I want to bring back the name Maxine.

What do you guys think?

I think somehow it lost its luster in the whole Maxi-pad business.

If my baby making days weren’t three rhythm methods to the wind, I’d definitely throw that name into the hat for a girl.

Maybe I’ll even petition the new mothers-to-be to get their heads out of their Bella asses long enough to give good ‘ole I’m-not-just-your-mama’s-maxi-pad Maxine another chance.

Think about the alternative, seven years from now, teachers across America will stand up and say ‘Ok Bella, go sit next to Edward’ and ten million Bellas and twelve villion Edwards will all look around from their seats, scramble around frantically in circles, break out into a cold sweat and then eventually faint dead away in confusion.

The earth might actually shift in that one moment of supreme chaos.

Edward is still cool for a boy though. It is Edward after all….

Evelyn, Myra, Lydia, Iris, Clare … Vivianne.... I love that name…give another name a chance will ya? Even an old one damn it.

I think some name recycling is due.

How about you?

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ Vicki @ & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine


Thank you Anat over at for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ and Lisa!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:

The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..

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