I never make resolutions.
Why?
Because it only sets me up for a big steaming plate of high pressure drizzled in all flavors of failure sauce.
And I have resolved to never let that happen.
Nope, no new self-administered lofty annual expectations for me!
So instead of conjuring up some new plans of what I should do and eventually won’t, this year I made a list of the things that I will be waiting for others NOT to do.
The Think it’s Funny but it’snot List
1. I will wait for the person behind me on line to not have breath that smells like ass
2. I will wait for a time when someone finally does not say “yeah, there’s something going around” when they hear you are sick
3. I will wait for a person not to say “wow, you missed a great party” when they know you were home sick…because something is going around.
4. I will wait for Revlon not to write me an ugly I-told-you-so-letter about the nasty ramifications of coloring all of my grey hairs
5. I will wait for a co-worker not to say “oh you cut your hair….” and then say… nothing
6. I will anxiously await the time when we are not saying the word economy as much as the word the
7. I will wait for all the screeching mall children to not make me want to gnaw out the future possibilities of my own uterus.
8. I will wait for someone to not try to explain to me once again that is getting paid for blogging not getting laid for blogging....ballbag buzz killers!
9. I will wait for my pants to please not notice the five pounds that I’ve gained and squeeze me in for an appointment.
10. I will wait for the one cure-all pill that may not cause dizziness, random tree humping, loss of left testicle, vaginal discharge, brain farting, lap vomit, pudge gain, divorce-causing mood swings, unexplained bowel leaks, erectile dysfunction (unless in my favor), green excrement, abnormal skin shedding, vodka immunity, acid pee, congealing ear wax, fear of wet spots or sudden death
....Yup, I will wait patiently for all of these things.
But I will not wait to wish you all a Happy New Year!!!
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