Tuesday, December 22, 2009

No Name Today

Like I didn’t have enough trouble remembering Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday all on their own, everywhere I turn there is Memoir Monday, Sticking something Tuesday and Wordless (a complete impossibility for me) Wednesday.

Now I have a confession…sorry, I know that is for Fridays but still…I can’t keep up and clearly, I must suck if I can’t take time on Thursdays to figure out why.

So now I’m stuck with Blame Someone Else Saturdays followed by Get-Some (if I’m lucky) Sundays …which leaves me no time…unless Sundays are quick…which usually are…

Oh wait…my husband has just demanded an official vote be taken to overthrow Memoir Monday and replace with the ever popular -Blow Job Monday.

Say it with me….

Never happen

I must organize my blogging priorities…..ugh!…sorry…hold on

Okay, now he’s asking for Cook and Clean Something Tuesdays.

Are you kidding me?

Hello….trying to focus here...

What now?!….uh... excuse me?

He says he wants to know who he has to speak with to see if Wordless Wednesdays can be stretched out until Sunday.

I’ll have to get back to you guys…

Friday, December 18, 2009

Bangkah Zoomas!

“I call you killer ‘cause you slay me”

Before the actual Man Show I believe that The Honeymooners could be considered the ultimate man show.

“Mind if I smoke?”

“I don’t care if you burn”

Truth be told, I married my husband because he quoted that very phrase of the Honeymooners to me and it was bang zoom from there (sometimes literally)!

The only difference now is that when we quote those lines back and forth to each other he actually wants me to burn.

Ah…10 years of marriage.

So with a fire extinguisher always on hand, our holiday would not be complete without a TV marathon of Honeymooners or The Twilight Zone series (It also helps to drown out the family drama)

Happy holidays all!

Not bad for the Jewish girl right?

Hope I don't burn!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Silence is Overrated

Sometimes work can be more than just a measly paycheck.

Sometimes there is some great blog material to be had (if you are nosy enough like me).

And sometimes it can be just a bunch of completely unsolicited crap spewed at you all day long.

But today was a good day as a co-worker informed everyone at lunch that her daughter, sadly, will not be in her Church Christmas pageant this year.

“Why not?” someone feigning interest asked in between bites.

C’mon like you would have cared either.

“Well" she explained "Because we received a newsletter home last week informing us that our Priest is gay

Blog alert! Blog alert!

“Gay huh?” finally something interesting around this dry joint “What’s the old Priest-Out-O'-Meter up to this week?” I asked

Well someone had to be the first

“Ha ha. So funny” she eye-rolled.

Well I thought so.

Dry Bat.

“Well, you don’t hear about any Rabbis goin’ out and gettin’ gay

do ya?"

Apparently, I only open my mouth to change feet.

Careful don’t-want-to-offend-because-I-have-to-live-with-these-people-five-days-a-week- chuckles lightly chime throughout the room.

Grow some balls people!

Non-attending-pageant-of-gay-priest mom continues “He decided to send a newsletter home explaining everything so that there wouldn’t be any talk

And they won’t talk now???!!!”

Would anyone have had the ability to keep quiet?

“I’m not sure but I do know that we are not attending that Church any longer. I was raised in a house where Gay was not the way

Hmmm…were her parents bumper stickers?

“That’s not to say that I don’t have many gay friends…” she quickly amended.

Can that statement be amended?

“Seems a shame that your daughter will be so disappointed. Can’t you just let her do the pageant this one year?” a brave soul asked

“But now he’s gay!” she gasps

Betcha anything he was gay yesterday too.

“And now he’ll be after little boys”

So, er, your daughter should be safe right?

“Who says that you’re automatically a Petafile when you’re gay?” Whoa...Go Accounting…represent!

I have got to eat slower

Everyone knows that. Priests are known for that” Not-The-Way-Mom raised by bumper stickers declared

So all actors and congressman are Petafiles too? What about my hair dresser? OMG… cut with gay scissors!!!! I must go home and hide my male cats!!!

Oops, did I say that out loud?

“It’s what I believe and I don’t have to explain myself!” huffy might be the most appropriate word here.

Well I guess that’s what religion is all about right? .....What you believe?

Hmmmm….now how to get out of this lunchroom gracefully.

“So….how’s about those Jews making up their minds on how to spell Chanukah...”

I really am my own worst disease.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Convenient Jew

When I don't want to send out Christmas cards or feel like decking the halls, I can usually explain it away by being Jewish.

"Do you go to Church?"

Nope, Jewish

"Wear a cross?"

Nope, Jewish



When my husband looks at me like I've sprouted even more nose hairs because I can still crack up at Adam Sandler's Chanukah song I tell him "You just don't get it. I guess you have to be Jewish"

"For that your Jewish?!" He screeches

"Wow Honey, that was pretty good. You almost sounded like one of us. Next time a little more up-pitched on the "ish" part and..."

"You know what you are?" Man can he flare a nostril "You're Screwish!"


Do they get jewelry?

You'd think with all the burning exhales being emitted out of my husband's face our heating bills would be much lower.

"Why is it that I am always Catholic but you are only sometimes Jewish?"

Hmmm....he's got me there...or does he?

"O.K. fine. No problem. You want me to be Jewish all the time?"

mental silence

"Uh, no, not really" he mumbles as he leaves the room.

Score another one for the Screw!

So do you think Hallmark makes cards for Screwvous?

Mrs. Blogalotwitz

Friday, December 4, 2009

Led Richard

Eventually my mind will drain free of all the nonsense but until that time......

Who loves puzzles?

Remember the puzzles in the newspaper that gave you two words and you had to come up with the ...I think it's called synonym for each word....there's my third grade education hard at work for ya folks.....

For example:

For Weak Mind the answer would be- Lame Brain
For Bratz Doll the answer would be - Whore Toy

Which leads me to Led Richard.

A prize for whomever gets it first!..............tick tock tick tock

Led Richard..........come on you can do it.....

Ding Ding Ding!!! Whoo Hooo!!! You got it! .... Pencil Dick!!

I knew you guys would get it!

No this post is NOT about my husband...thankfully, he has a Pretty Parcel...tee hee

No, this post was inspired by the PNC Bank representative who denied us for a loan modification because he said we do not look good on paper.

I realize a small blogger such as I won't make many waves but I'll take a ripple of satisfaction wherever and whenever I can get it these days....

So let's see how good you look on paper Mr. Led Richard....did I mention he was from PNC Bank (did you hear me Google? PNC BANK...small and discriminating little bank here in the northeast)

Well Richard.....You've just denied customers that have excellent credit ratings and have never been late on a singe payment once in ten years. Who have paid early and are hard working employed americans and who, btw, are on their way to becoming a housing casualty statistic thanks to you and your kind.

In addition to us not looking good on paper, we were told to come back when we make more money. Sorry....I thought a modification was for folks who needed a hand. Didn't know you had to be rich to get help. Obama's government assistant plan? Nope...you don't make enough money for that either. Sorry, come back and try again.

Have you met our economy Richard? Or are you stuck so far up your own ass that you are blinded by the crap you are so used to spewing?

I've heard the ranters, read the ravers but until this moment, I have not experienced the pure satisfaction of taking public revenge. Whew! Feels good.

And I didn't even have to drink!

While I'm at it, let's call out the companies who have made tuna cans smaller and thought we wouldn't notice.

Hey, I kinda like this ranting stuff. I might try it again real soon!

For now, thanks for listening to your friendly blogger neighborhood Cashew Work.

And I happily leave you with this:

___- ___- __- _______ - ______ - ___ - ______ - ____!!!!!!
urinate- also- look- container- inhale- belonging- spouse's- richard

Aren't puzzles fun?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Crazy Cuts

Today I’ve been sitting around just thinking about all the bowls of soup that have been poured since the beginning of time which of course led me to me to the subject of cutting my hair...

Yup. Gonna do it. Can’t stop me.

Now that I have actually made the decision and the appointment…

My long hair is dead to me

I don’t talk to it anymore. I don’t curse at it anymore. I have ceased trying to reason with it. And I smugly ignore its’ hairy haggling complaints about how my daily ponytail is causing breakage and ruin beyond repair.

Dead to me I say!

What choice did it leave me? Where was the cooperation when I needed it?

Hair death is never easy for anyone. Nair never did take it seriously enough.

Heartless shaver hater bastards.

Well, hair’s to closure:

Dear Dead to Me,

Thanks for …..well… for being long.

I will always remember all the rough grabbing hair sex good times we’ve shared. It is unfortunate that we have not been able to come to an amicable agreement and that we must cut our tresses and side part ways.

I am setting my hairdresser free of the uncomfortable role of Miracle Worker that has been thrust upon her by my begging and crying request. She can no longer be weighed down by your needy long strand demands.

Shearly, you understand that treatment at this point is out of the question. We’ve come to far down the Miss Clairol path to fool ourselves any longer.

So in keeping with my newfound dignity and determination… I’ve decided to get a boob job.

They will be far easier to maintain in the years to come and will give my porn loving husband me great pleasure. After all, who will give a crap about my hair when I have a great set of cans?

It is my great hope that you will not ask my nipples to sprout hair in retaliation.

You are bigger than that. Or at least you used to be back in the eighties.

Yours fooly,

Somebody Stop Me

a.k.a. voice #77

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at ifevolutionworks.com for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at lollipopsandpickles.blogspot.com & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at lollipopsandpickles.blogspot.com & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami xoxo@heartsmakefamilies.com & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ tothemotherhood.com-& Vicki @ frugalmomknowsbest.com & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin @insightsandbellylaughs.com-find them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy @thewannabewahm.com for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine


Thank you Anat over at bsparkly.blogspot.com for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ thewifeyblogs.blogspot.com and Lisa @snugglebugglerockmom.blogspot.com!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness @heniperrr.blogspot.com/

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @ http://robyns-page.blogspot.com/

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @ http://robyns-page.blogspot.com/
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ homespunheartscandles.blogspot.com xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @ superheroesmom.com

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:

The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at Grandmasbriefs.com (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..

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A Must Read Award

A Must Read Award

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