Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Douche Movement

I believe that it is time for bowels to step aside and let The Douche Movement take over.

Nothing against a good bowel movement but sometimes a girl needs some extra cleansing.

Yeah, I’ve been drinking. Since when does anyone like a sober blogger?

So in this movement the blogger cleanses all feelings of angst and woe. Curses all enemies and fears. Name calls all those worthy. Bloggy slams all husbands. And then let’s the cleansing satisfaction seep out as any good douche would do.

In other words....your typical blog...Summer's Eve style.

Here is my weekly contribution to The Douche Movement:

“Oh honey" I purr sleepily "I’m so tired after eating all that turkey. How about you?”

“Tired from turkey? Now what cracker made that crap up?” He snorts.

“It’s true, there is an ingredient in the turkey called tryptophan and it makes you tired”

“So it couldn’t be that you stuffed your face so damn much and blabbed at the same time that your jaw is now suffering from acute exhaustion? It has to be blamed on a mystery turkey ingredient?”

GRRRRRR “Well yeah”….Anyway, what want are we doing tonight?”

Husband looks at his paycheck "Well let me check" dramatic pause …. "yup..Nothing”

OOOOOOLLLLLrightythen......“Well, probably a good thing….I heard on the news that there is a rapist out on the loose. We all have to be careful”

Mr. Perpetual Eye Roll says “Like there’s not always a rapist running around out there. Just because you hear about one on the news, doesn’t mean that there aren’t millions already running around out there. Does the weather man have to come on TV and tell everyone he has a dick or shouldn’t you just know certain things?”

Now could it be his inner machinations of working curiosity that manifests an unknown resentment of an even deeper manifestation of pondering, which secretly harbors ill will towards the stupid and lame brained?

Or is he just an ass?

There. Weekly Douche Movement completed. I encourage all bloggers to create their own weekly and unique douche movement in an effort to cleanse and revive the …..Palette.

Before you get all backed up and explode. Then you would have to join The Enema Movement and that is for the boy bloggers. What? They need to douche too!

Screw milk...Douching does a body good!

Now sing it with me....Summer's Eve makes me feel fine....

You know? I think I’ll drink more often.

Proud member of The Douche Movement how about you?

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Rosie Award

I'm gonna call this one the "Rosie Award" ....clearly the graphic designers of the world have nothing to fear...but still isn't it cute?

And I'd like to pass it on to some great blogger peeps I've met who are the Most Ut!

How are they the Most Ut you ask? Well since you asked......

They are hilarious, fun, inspirational, sarcastic, silly, compelling, irrational, unpredictable, truthful, astounding, thought provoking, raunchy, racy, boundry pushers, yellers, ranters, ravers, poets, cynics ..... no not all at the same don't want them to get sick do you?

You see, all of these spectacular bloggers are extremely versitile. You never know what to expect from their blogs or their comments (and I so love that!)

Blogging has added ....meeting all of .....blogging means the.....I feel that I have gotten to....I'm so glad.....

So enough of the sappy crap.....

The first round of Rosie Awards go to:

(technically, four jugs should get two-one for each set right?) - but definitely not the f*&%en least yo!!!!

.....This award has been checked for R2D2's evil twin-H1N1 so it is safe to grab

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Eyes on Your Own Paper Mister!

Q) What is worse than a cheating husband?

A) Why the rancid whores that cheat with him of course.

Now I’m not much for rules. For example, when my son goes over to visit a friend, I run down a mother-load of rules that would likely choke a rhino but the only rule that I really care about is that he doesn’t crap in someone else’s toilet.

But not much I can do about that one can I?

But there are some rules that should not be flushed as easily.

Last I heard, Not Cheating wrote the book on How to Stay Married and Not Kill Someone. It’s a bestseller in prison, I’m told.

Recently a new co-worker of about five months decided to shower me with the gruesome details of her cheating spouse. These cheat sheets come on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.

Now I love a good train wreck as much as the next guy but when there are kids getting caught in the tracks, count me out. Negative zero tolerance.

Q) Why did she choose to bestow me with this unwanted dirty load?

A) I must have added a little too much Please-Be-Sure-To-Vomit-Unwanted-Information-All-Over-Me- perfume.

I want off this train.

And I blame The Anti-Christ- Google for Cheaters Facebook. They started all this. She would have never found out about -not one- but TWO of his extrees otherwise.

All she had to do was friend a friend of a friend of his friend of a friend of her friend who friended hi…. and viola!

Cheating Husband and Bitches Palooza.

What happened to the good ole days when you just became President and just got plain caught?

Now showing in Car One-A lewd Facebook porn collage of piece one and piece two, respectively of course.

Car Two displays a an epic novel in process showcasing a mistress’s eternal patience and undying love -Until He’s Free…On my blog, I kid you not.

Are you listening Lifetime? Stop filling people’s heads with such asscrack plot ideas!

There are two-piece love letters ga-whore plastered all over this dirty train. And apparently, cheater husband and piece-one even go to therapy together once a week.

This cannot end well.

And I know way too much for an innocent (drama kills) co-worker bystander.

I could wind up calling in dead if I’m not careful.

Q) How bad could I get hurt if I jumped the tracks at full speed?

A) ?

Jane! Stop this crazy thing!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Obsession thy name is Edward!!!

Oh and let’s not forget Jake…like we ever could!

I don’t remember the last time that I was so taken in and all consumed by a series of books or characters. Unless you count that brief period of mourning when they killed off Catherine on the Beauty and the Beast T.V. series. And… if you can call six months brief.

Forbidden duel world love affair … secret underground city beneath the streets of New York.

Does sci-fi get any better?

I still can’t believe they off’d her. It was a very black time for me.

But low and behold…and looky here, sci-fi has done restored my faith once more!

And obsessed does not even begin to cover this one!

Not surprisingly, I have yet to meet anyone who has read these books that was like ‘uh yeah, they’re o.k.’ or ‘those books sucked yo’

These books breed addiction! Pure cult-like attraction for these out-of-this-world and every-world characters that will not be denied!

We’re not hurting anyone. There are no mass suicides. Nobody’s shaving any heads.

But in case you haven’t noticed, most boys don’t get it.

My husband by proxy will now reluctantly stand in for all the boys on this point:

The Underworld now that was a movie” insert big cheesy chest puff here. “These vampires are nothing but a bunch of sappy ass wannabes. All’s I know is that if I don’t see someone’s head being chopped off in the first five minutes, the movie has to suck” now add loud snort to retarded chest puff “And what’s that vamp doing out during the day anyway?”

“There’s no direct sunlight or else he would sparkle” God, doesn’t he know anything?

“Well do they fly at least?”

“Kind of and Edward reads minds…except for Bella’s of course. And Alice sees the future and…”

How weak! What do you guys get out of all this? What’s the big deal? It’s just a dumb movie!”

“Oh really? Exactly what time are the Yankees coming over to deliver your portion of their proceeds you screaming fan freak?”

Don’t worry guys; there was no bloodshed… this time. Although that would have blended in nicely with our theme don’t ya think? But I, like Edward, have restraint.

I have never been ready to love a movie more! And I am dying to see it!

Dying, Dying, Dying I say!

How about you bloggy sisters? Spill the blood! Let me hear it!

Before the movie. After the movie. Anytime! That’s what good obsession is for!!!

And for those not yet-bitten bloggy sisters…can I possibly sway you over to the obsessive side? Please!!! Please!!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Holy Kidnapping!

THANKSGIVING: Now listen up you Santa ball licker. If you want to make it to see the New Year you better pay close attention.


THANKSGIVING: First rule- get the sleigh bells out of your mouth mincemeat. Nobody can understand a word you’re saying through those lying rotten gingerbread teeth. Either you’re about the holiday or you’re about the cash. Now which one is it?

CHRISTMAS: Uh…well….both?

THANKSGIVING: Not good enough snowscrape! I’ve been trashed by the whole "ooooohhh don’t trample over and kill me at Walmart" Black Friday crap for way too long. I’m not taking the rap for this one. Now I want some answers!

CHRISTMAS: if you…have you thought about coming out on a… uhhh…a Monda

THANKSGIVING: Shut the hell up Elfballs I didn’t say you could speak!

Menorah-Man over here is just waiting for a chance to kick your fat red ass. Don’t make me get him all lit up!

CHRISTMAS: But I thought you aske…


Enough talking chinrolls!…I am tired of being overlooked by your holier-than-thou–Jingle Jolly crap. You and your rancid HO’s better start shaping up or we’re gonna….

CHRISTMAS: Now wait just a merry second. Are you calling Mrs. C. a HO...?

THANKSGIVING: Shut your sugarplum pie hole you overdone fairy and go find yourself another way to suck the blood out of these lamb chops. Leave the real eats to the big dogs! And while you’re at it, get your tardload off my Friday coattails and start doing what you are supposed to do. Wait your damned turn you anxious bitch!

It’s not my fault your biggest day comes after Christmas. That’s what you get for starting in July! Shove all your damned returns! I’m tired of getting stuffed with all the bad press. Now go tell your leader to meet my demands and nobody’ll get hurt.

CHRISTMAS: Sssss sssuuuuree thhh thhhiiing Mr. T – whatever you want…

THANKSGIVING: That's better! About time a turkey gets a little respect around here.

Now you tell him I want…No you DEMAND that I….Make sure he better.....

Tell him I want the new SpongeBob Snuggie. I’m tired of freezing my ass off in that damn fagot parade.

Oh and tell him to lay off the Jenny Craig. He’s starting to lose his appeal.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Blogging Kingdom

Deep in the heart of the Blogging jungle, the female blogger sniffs the air for post sustenance. Sensing imminent danger, the male target backs off soundlessly into a corner keeping an unwavering eye on his foe.

The female blogger licks her claws in anticipation and waits patiently for the precise moment to attack.

At the first sign of the male’s weakness, she springs up at full speed, striking her prey in mid sentence….

“I want you to stop blogging about me” he grumbled.

“But Honey, you’re the star!” I embellished “and everybloggy loves you”

“It’s not normal. Nobody else’s husband has to watch every syllable that comes out of his mouth. What’s next? Details on our sex life?”

We have a sex life?

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Oh yeah. Sorry. You wanted to have sex right?”

Purrrrr..Clack….Clack…. Purrrrr….Clack.

“Stop that typing, you’re driving me crazy!”

“Oh sorry sweetie. Bad can’t stop me if you tried habit. I’m listening now”

Look into his eyes. Forget about the computer. Look into his eyes. Forget about the computer. Look into his eyes. Forget about the computer.

“What the hell are you doing now?”

EEK! Oops…. “Um, nothing. I’m listening. I’m listening”

Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention.

“You can’t keep journaling everything we talk about” Oh can’t I? “Something’s not right here. Can't you see it?”

What? Is there a typo?? OMG! Where?!! Where?!!

“I’m going out for a while”

Hmm? Okay…Hope you find the file”

…The female blogger is satiated once more. Giving her creative limbs a stretch; she listens to the deep male growl that can be heard throughout the blogging jungle.

Hey! How'd this guy get in here?

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ Vicki @ & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine


Thank you Anat over at for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ and Lisa!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:

The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..

Finger Linkin' Blogs

A Must Read Award

A Must Read Award

Who's with me? Copyright © 2009 Blogger Template Designed by Ipietoon for Tadpole's Notez. Button Design, Template Modification, Installation and Setup by