Sunday, July 25, 2010

Stork Screw

Thanks to my supreme parenting skills, my son now thinks he comes from a urinal.

I know.... I know....

I should have gotten a book to explain where babies come from but I thought…hey, I had a baby…I should be able to do this.

It’s not like I’m trying to explain how to change a tire or anything.

And plus, I thought pictures would be gross.

What I didn’t expect to encounter were the dodge balls of giggles, EWWWW’s, THAT'S DISGUSTING’s and THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD's I'd have to side swipe before getting in at least one coherent sentence.

What the hell were they talking about in the school hallways that sounded so much more glamorous than what I was putting down here?

Apparently, I’d shattered some pretty glitzy misconceptions of conception.

And in the end, I have a feeling that all my son got out of the whole damn thing is that mommy is a giant egg hatcher just like the Queen Alien and Daddy is the cool one with flying sperm.

Having to convince him that Daddy doesn’t really need a cape and a seat on the Justice League for this grand feat was a whole other conversation.

And I take umbrage (now there’s a word nobody gives a crap about anymore) to taking a back seat to flying sperm.

I want my cape dammit!

Pffft! …..Flying sperm


I hatch eggs!!

Oh well, at least I filled up his what-I-learned-over-my-summer-vacation-arsenal.

Think I’ll get letters home in September?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Well I Declare

I have a friend who is always making some kind of profound personal revelation or conclusion.

Revelation after revelation.

It’s like a re-run episode of the Bible or something every time I talk to her.

I swear, if they ever did a remake of that thing, she'd get a starring role.

Conclusion after conclusion.

And at this point, I don’t know if she’s conclusive or concussed.

Let’s just call her Concussa for the purpose of this post shall we?

So, Concussa and I have maintained a very distant friendship over the years- as we’ve have had more falling outs than a slippery diaphragm.

And I do my best to try to avoid any future confrontations and, make no mistake, scrambling out of control like a cat stuck in place on a hard wood floor is not beneath me.

Who doesn’t want to eliminate the level of their personal chaos if at all possible?

I have enough nuts in my cereal thank you.

But how do you divorce a long time friend who drives you to drink...more?

People get divorced amicably all the time.

Why not old, worn-out-not-good-for-either-one-of-us-anymore-it's not you it's me... blogblogblog...friendships?

What the hell’s so wrong with that?

But, try as I might, she won't let me. Stubborn Concussa that one.


So what do I do to compensate whenever I do speak to her?

Well, I just calmly answer with the word really after every new revelation.

It is much easier that way.

And truthfully, once I say the secret word Hello, she only lets me get one damn word in anyway.

(Just so you know, I really don't know where I'm going with this post but I can't stop..I think I have New Job Brain Syndrome)

So, to keep myself entertained….. In my head, I do the reallys in different voices.

I'm not that difficult to entertain.

“Hello?’’ damn blocked caller ID “Oh hey Concussa, how’s it going?”

“Well….....revelation, revelation, revelation......and so I decided that I am never going to put up with that crap again”

“Really?” – Scooby Doo

“Yeah, and I’ve also come to the conclusion that I have to.....conclusion, conclusion, conclusion...

and tell him to shove it!”

“Hmmm….Really?” – Randy Jackson

“It’s just not worth it and I’m better than that so from now on …revelation, revelation, revelation.....….and this time I mean it!”

“Sounds great Concussa…. Really”- Mr. Crabs

….This post could go on all day but who has the time?

It won’t ever be any different.

Any thoughts?

Reezy...I mean really, – George Jefferson

I’m open to any ideas.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Fear Floats

You will all be glad to know that my fear of change in starting a new job this week was quickly replaced with an even bigger fear.


Bigger than me, bigger than all of us!

bp oil spill?



Uh uh.

Global Warming?



It was the fear of being labeled as the girl who had to use the whole can of Lysol in the smelly bathroom at 8:00 am.

I was set up I tell you!

The girl who came out before I went in even smirked a little knowing that I would take the blame.

Well, that’s one for my new Bitch List.

Somebody had to be first right?

Anyway, I had to go in.

Couldn’t turn back.

Couldn’t let out a big “GOD IT SURE STINKS IN HERE DOESN'T IT?!” before going in so that nobody would get the wrong idea.

It was my first day after all.

But I don't want to be known as Mrs. Crap Alot!

Not even on my second day.

So, still holding my breath, I came out with at least 15 less brain cells than when I went in.

Lysol kills more than germs man.

And ran to blog flush it here.

I feel much better now thank you.

Or maybe I'm just still high on Lysol fumes.

.... not bad.

In any case, my good smelling name is finally in the at least.

Sorry, it’s how I process.

Ever been falsely accused of crap?


This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!

This is the coolest ever! Thank you Lauren for this Psycho Carnival Award!!
Now visit Lauren and witness all of her originality greatness!

Thank you my Jersey Girl Goddess!! Now go meet her @inannasstar.blogspot-No way you can resist!!!

Thank you my geeky friend!!! Now go check out Confessions of a Reforming Geek..she is way cool!

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?

Thanks to Diane over at Just Humor Me-Rules for this award: Drink & Blog-Do you see why I love her?
If you have not met Diane, please check her out. You will not be sorry! You trust me right? Go!

Thank you to the Empress at Gooddayregularpeople- Go visit this magnificent blogger!!!

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?

Thank you Linda! How cool is this award from my buddy over @thegoodthebadtheworse? I know right?
She's totally awesome!! Go check her out and see!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!

I Won!!! The Golden Phallus #32 Is Mine!!! Many thanks  to The Screaming Me-Me!!!!
Go check out the Screaming Me-Me for THE most captioning fun on the internet!!!! She's one of the friendliest Blog hosts out there!!!! Have fun & Caption away!!!!

Huge thanks to Nancy at for this award-Love this !!!

Thanks Heather @ twolittlemonkeysplushubby & Richele @underthegoldenappletree

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.

Thanks so much to Margaret over at & Katsconfessions.blogspot.
Thanks to Tami & Richeleoxo@underthegoldenappletree.blogspot! Also to Hil'Lesha @ Vicki @ & Amanda at bloggertowne.blogspot You guys rock!!!

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE

DOUBLE THANKS to Noelle @elasticwaistbandsandcomfortableshoes & Daffy@ batcrapcrazy-U GUYS RULE
Another Awesome heartfelt thanks to the awesome Lauren @Thinkspin & multi-creative Robin them ...follow them...go!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!

The Rosie Award Comes Home!!!
Thanks to my bloggy buddy for bestowing this award back to me and letting me keep a Rosie at home forever!!!!

Sunshine Makes My Day!! Many Thanks to Joy@ thepracticalmomguide & Ziva @Zivasinferno for the shine


Thank you Anat over at for this spectacular award!!!

HUGE thanks to Gabrielle @ and Lisa!!

Thanks Lee!!!

Thanks Jenie for The Lady Ms Blogger Award! Visit her giving greatness

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @

Double Thanks to Robyn for both of these awards-visit her @
Tamara-Thank you for this!!! xoxoxoxoox visit her at @ xoxoxo

Thanks so much to Blia @

Grab An Award-see below

Finally, you do not need to be a recipient of an award to give an award!

Grab An Award – My way of awarding it forward. The only rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES (Only rule is no rules? Rule for rules? Is that a rule? I’m so confused)

And what is nicer than giving an award with no strings attached just because?

So in the spirit of fun blog awarding and ‘cause I think they’re a great way to connect and share the blog love with our awesome fellow bloggers (without the chain letter affect-they give me the willies), I have created The Divine Blogger and Rock Star Blogger Awards to grab-I know, fancy right? -(o.k. so I won't quit my day job)

Grab it and let the lucky recipient (s) know that you have given them a rule-free award and not to be afraid to pick it up on your site. Once they grab it from your site, they are free to pass it along to others (rule-free of course). And anyone can grab it from their sites to pass on as well.

Hope you all enjoy awarding it forward!

Now hurry! Go make room in your closet for all that good karma. And please get rid of those old sweatpants while you're at it! (-:

The No Rules Rock Star Blogger Award

The No Rules Divine Blogger Award

Award Love Received

Thanks so much to Lisa at (the Grandma sites got it going on yo) and Robyn at Simply Delightful and Tamara at homespunheartscandlesand Jane @agingmommyblog for this award. You guys are awesome!

Okay, here are my 10 honest things about myself:

1. I am an extremely well balanced individual

2. I am easily distracted

3. I don’t take rules seriously

4. I lied about number one (number 3 made me do it)

5. I have a short attention span

6. I often don’t finish what I sta..

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