I have a friend who is always making some kind of profound personal revelation or conclusion.
Revelation after revelation.
It’s like a re-run episode of the Bible or something every time I talk to her.
I swear, if they ever did a remake of that thing, she'd get a starring role.
Conclusion after conclusion.
And at this point, I don’t know if she’s conclusive or concussed.
Let’s just call her Concussa for the purpose of this post shall we?
So, Concussa and I have maintained a very distant friendship over the years- as we’ve have had more falling outs than a slippery diaphragm.
And I do my best to try to avoid any future confrontations and, make no mistake, scrambling out of control like a cat stuck in place on a hard wood floor is not beneath me.
Who doesn’t want to eliminate the level of their personal chaos if at all possible?
I have enough nuts in my cereal thank you.
But how do you divorce a long time friend who drives you to drink...more?
People get divorced amicably all the time.
Why not old, worn-out-not-good-for-either-one-of-us-anymore-it's not you it's me... blogblogblog...friendships?
What the hell’s so wrong with that?
But, try as I might, she won't let me. Stubborn Concussa that one.
Stubcussa?
So what do I do to compensate whenever I do speak to her?
Well, I just calmly answer with the word really after every new revelation.
It is much easier that way.
And truthfully, once I say the secret word Hello, she only lets me get one damn word in anyway.
(Just so you know, I really don't know where I'm going with this post but I can't stop..I think I have New Job Brain Syndrome)
So, to keep myself entertained….. In my head, I do the reallys in different voices.
I'm not that difficult to entertain.
“Hello?’’ damn blocked caller ID “Oh hey Concussa, how’s it going?”
“Well….....revelation, revelation, revelation......and so I decided that I am never going to put up with that crap again”
“Really?” – Scooby Doo
“Yeah, and I’ve also come to the conclusion that I have to.....conclusion, conclusion, conclusion...
and tell him to shove it!”
“Hmmm….Really?” – Randy Jackson
“It’s just not worth it and I’m better than that so from now on …revelation, revelation, revelation.....….and this time I mean it!”
“Sounds great Concussa…. Really”- Mr. Crabs
….This post could go on all day but who has the time?
It won’t ever be any different.
Any thoughts?
Reezy...I mean really, – George Jefferson
I’m open to any ideas.
Posts
61 comments:
Slippery Diaphragm? Duct Tape. Fixes everything.
Ohnooooo..... I think I may be guilty of the too-often "reveal," and not the fun HGTV kind. It's just that I'm so gullible I'm always dumbfounded when life jerks my chain. Copying and pasting this url to the victim of my reveals right now.....
The only problem with that is the great opportunity annoying friends make for interesting blog posts. I mean, how much fun would it be to write about a nice, normal, unconcussa friend?
"a slippery diaphragm" - ewwww!!!
SMOKE BOMB!!
Then you run.
You're welcome.
I don't pick up the phone unless I know the number. Does that help? I guess not if she's calling at work, though.
LOL!
I seem to encounter people that think they need to tell me what to do. I am well practiced in the "really" voices!
"More fallings outs than a slippery diaphragm;" oh, you are GOOD! I have to steal that one.
Really.
Oh God. The slippery Diaphragm had me slipping on the spittle I spewed from my mouth from laughing so hard. Advice: Just don't say "hello." After all that is the secret word a la the Groucho Marx show or something. Who names there kid Groucho anyway?
Screen those calls. Don't answer any anonymous calls or numbers you don't recognize, or HER number for that matter. I've "divorced" a friend or two this way before. Hey maybe that's why so and so doesn't ever call me back! Hope the job is going well!
I just spit diet pepsi everywhere.
I too have friends I'd like to divorce but alas they will not let me.
I just stopped answering my phone unless I know who it is. Even then some people get sent to voicemail. I had a revelation that it's just easier that way. :-P
fromlazytolady.blogspot.com
Really! Well I do declare....(Mamme to Scarlett, GOne with the Wind)..
:-)
Start disagreeing and these people fall away like dead flies on poisoned poop.
Swati
hmmm. i have ditched many a friend like this. who has the time?
i had a friend for years and we had lots of fun together. then she got divorced and started dating a married man that would not meet her kids or leave his wife. and every fucking night she wanted to talk about how great he was and how frustrated she was at the whole situation. after a while, i wouldn't even pick up the phone. her messages got more and more hostile. i finally told her, JAN, YOU ARE AN IDIOT FOR DATING A MARRIED MAN. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT IT. she stopped calling. YAY!
Heh heh.
So you answer really to everything. Hmm. What happens if she replies: "REALLY really."
Then what?
hee hee
I have to laugh. Why is it so difficult to cut people like this out of our lives. Oh, because they are our friends, or our family for that matter. So we just hold the phone away and say "Really" (Bugs Bunny).
How about interrupting mid revelation with the line, "That TOTALLY reminds me of this time I woke up drunk in a dumpster!"
How about using a different phrase each time you talk with her and making it ever more dramatic? At least it would be fun. You could try Mrs Fawlty and her "Oooohhhh I know" comment for one. Or else just turn things on their head totally and at every revelation and come out with some equally weird and wonderful revelation of your own.
Or just change your phone numbers and move house :-)
Slippery diaphragm! Reeeeallly! Amazing and brilliant as usual.
Here's the thing. I'm a hard core bitch when it comes to friendships. Oops, I hope I'm allowed to cuss on this here blog. A long time ago, my dearly departed father gave me these succinct words of wisdom, "Life's too short to tolerate assholes." And he was right.
I've had some toxic friends and when I mean toxic I don't mean like they were trying to get me to use heroin or anything, I just mean they were bad for me, my blood pressure, my tranquility, everything. I cut the ties. And a few of them were very persistent. But I was even more. You wouldn't keep a bad boyfriend around, so why not the same for a girlfriend.
I would suggest you try it. It's a little rough with the persistent ones, but they'll finally get the hint. Then you can really them out of your life.
Get a better caller id? Move and change your phone number without telling her? That one worked pretty well for me.
I too think the slippery diaphragm line is a hoot and a CLASSIC!
As for the unwanted friend, I have been there done that; you can divorce them so to say, just tell them. A fierce honest conversation is a good thing!
Yeesh, friendships are sometimes slippery slopes, I agree. I have ended about five friendships deliberately. They were not good for me in one way or another, so I simply quit responding to them. Let her calls go to voicemail and don't call her back. Sometimes the easiest way is just to GO away.
If you had to compare her to a slippery diaphragm, I'm thinking she's got to go.
I've so missed your fun posts! Again, I'm laughing. I've got a friend just like that. Just had dinner with her Saturday night, actually. I did the "really" thing with here the whole time. Next time, I'll definitely have to try the different voices.
Oh ... that was FUNNY!
I'm sorry, I had trouble reading the rest of the post because I couldn't see through the tears from laughing to hard at the diaphragm comment!
HA HA HA HA on the diaphragm comment!! Funny as hell, and I've never even worn or seen one IRL!
I agree 100% with Joann Mannix. Toxic people are not to be tolerated. If you need an excuse for being too busy to talk to her, use your new job.
Which, by the way, I hope is going marvelously!
Still loving your blog. Glad you're managing to fit in posting!
One of my friends has been trying to get rid of one of her friends for years and hasn't been able to. They don't see eye to eye and get in fights all the time. It is hard to know what to do to get rid of a friend. It is harder to break up with a friend than a boyfriend!
It's really easy: I lose like 5 friends a year. Don't pick up, don't call back, don't respond to emails.
Voila...
Just start talking over her. I find that annoys A LOT of people.
That was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
More falling outs than a slippery diaphragm?!! Too precious for words.
Except one: Really?
Hi There.....just send her an email with a really great personal revelation.....the one that says you are practicing isolation and being one with yourself....hopefully she wont say "really"...but at least it will explain your absence.....A slippery diaphragm...WTF..!
Best. Line. EVER. (I can see others agree!)
"more falling outs than a slippery diaphragm."
Yeah, I'd let her drift to the wayside as best you can. Or try to, anyway! Good luck!
I had a friend like that. I say friend but she really wasn't a friend to ME, I was just a friend FOR HER. Well, a doormat, really, and an ear that she could stuff full of her problems. I just stopped calling her and she stopped asking me why I wouldn't return her calls. Of course I'M the bitch but she's really better off without me. And MAN DO I FEEL GREAT NOT HAVING HER IN MY LIFE!!!!!
Now I remember why I ditched the diaphragm and went with a hysterectomy.
Next time your revelation "friend" calls, pretend you're deaf. "What?" "Pardon me?" "Can you repeat that?" Even she'll get tired of listening to herself. I think.
If ID doesn't pick up the number I let it go straight to VM, do not pass go, and do not collect 200.
Tell her you've become a (insert fringe religious group/cult) and would really like to come over to her house to discuss your new life.
I use people like these to practice my debating skills. Whatever they say, I take the opposite role and present my pros or cons. And sometimes I pretend to be a telemarketer. It's always fun when they get confused and say "But I called you...?"
BAHAHAHAHA @ we’ve have had more falling outs than a slippery diaphragm.
I have a concussa as well. I feel your pain. Really.
I think I may be friends with Concussa as well...or she just sounds a lot like someone I know.
Run like hell. That is the only way to get away.
You can always use the excuse, I have someone on the other line can I call you back later or you may have to go into hiding if that doesn't work. I usually use avoidance at all costs.
Life's too short, cut her out! You're sooo busy now, you are just too busy to answer the phone, return emails.
This is why I've kept an old fashioned answering machine. I love to be able to screen my calls.
Nothing I hate more than an attack of the flapping lips.
I read an article somewhere explaining how to divorce friends like this. I just can't remember where I saw it. Probably Cosmo or something like that.
I'm metaphorically challenged so please explain why the cat would be stuck on the hardwood floor? Did someone leave the cap off the Crazy Glue? It happens, trust me. I can't for the life of me figure this one out, and what's worse I know I am not supposed to but I am stuck on it.
The REVELATOR! I think if you really wanted to divorce the REVELATOR, you could just start saying those "Reallys" in different voices out loud. My overactive imagination inserted my own personal REVELATOR into place while I was reading through this, and I imagined the REVELATOR becoming speechless and trying to figure out why I was talking like Scooby Doo. That three minutes of stunned silence was enough for me to imaginarily get out of the conversation and hang up on her, then I called the phone company and changed my number. I forgot to call the REVELATOR and give her my new number, but eventually she showed up on my doorstep with a coffee cake and a whole slew of new revelations. :( I fail at imaginary relationship cutting.
I've broken up with friends before. The very good friend who introduced me to my husband as a matter of fact. Yep. Thanks for the hubby, I don't wanna be friends anymore.
I'd mix it up with a little Old School Marvin the Martian followed by a healthy "really" dose of Gilbert Godfrey (you know, the short dude with squinty eyes that only speaks in a half-yell?). And just when things are getting dry, squint like Clint and do a little Outlaw Josey Wales on her. Maybe it will scare her enough to shutthehellup.
Popping by from Nut in a Nutshell!
Ooh, I like that declarative "really." It is important to mix it up; one too many interrogative reallys and the jig is up.
Is she married? If so, tell her you have been carrying on a secret affair with her hubby for years. That should be the ticket for bringing the sounds of silence from her.
Seriously? (any character on Grey's Anatomy) I've tried to dump friends before but they just keep popping up. If you can't get rid of Concussa, just keep doing what you're doing...making fun of her on your blog. :)
I have...I mean I had a friend like that. I just told her whenever we would talk I suddenly had the urge to sit on the toilet and poop, and in fact, I was pooping RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
It worked. She stopped calling.
scooby doo "really" is my fave. you should call her concussa to her face. make her stop dead in revelation tracks. do it everytime.
Hysterical post, as always! I've missed you, too!!!
Have you tried speaking in tongues while she talks? It works for me, I currently have no friends to entertain at all!
I found the silent treatment works best for these kinds of situations... if you know what I mean.
I would LOVE to watch a YouTube clip of you doing all the variations of REALLY!!! Mr. Crab. LMAO!
You were above me on the Over 40 blogger list on Never Growing Old's website - so check you out. Love this: "Who doesn’t want to eliminate the level of their personal chaos if at all possible? I have enough nuts in my cereal thank you" - my mom used to say "You are NOT her personal garbage dump. Don't allow her to contaminate your lifespace." I like the "reallys" but when you have a perfect answer, please post it - I need some toxics out of my life, too!
I'm in the process of trying to phase out a friend as well. She's just materialistic and judgmental now. Slowly, not returning emails and calls. Might be working?
I tried "hey, did you know... my father is the Emperor of Klatch and my mother is a small tray of raspberry puddings" on my 'so enough about me, what do *you* think about me?' friend. Never even noticed - though it gave me a wry giggle.
Happy SITS day!
The Scooby "really" almost made me spit coffee all over my laptop. Love it. Please post about this if you ever figure out how to stop Concussa. Pretty sure we all have one!
Happy SITS day!
LOL. I have a friend exactly like that. Most of our conversation is me saying Hmm, Really, Yeah, or OK
Try divorcing your MIL. She's my version of this. Honestly, once I say Hello, I could just set the phone down and leave the house, and she'd never know.
I think we need a new movie..."How to dump a friend in 10 days" or something...apparently this is an epidemic!
stopping by from SITS
Post a Comment