“You have a what?” my girlfriend stops mid-chew to ask.
“A blog”
“A blog?” She inquires once again as if I’d just taken out my Spok ears and Light Saber.
“Yes. A blog”
Note to self: Water spillage is great for awkward silences.
“What exactly do you do with a blog?”
“Write stuff”
“What kind of stuff?”
“You know…just stuff”
“And people read it?”
“Well yeah, that’s kinda the point”
“Do you get paid for it?”
“Uh, no”
“And do you like…do it all the time?”
“Uh, yeah”
Clank. Scrape. Clank. Chew.
More water. What a Klutz.
“I don’t get it” she announced “You do it all the time and you don’t get paid for it? What’s the point?”
“I don’t get paid for sex either but I still do it”
Point digested.
“So…..have you ever…er….you know… written about me?”
Clank.Clank. Chew. Chew.
No water.
“Not yet”
(-:
Okay you guys. I’m really upset.
I have to get this off my chest but I don’t quite know how.
It has been weighing on my mind for days and I can’t take it anymore.
UGGGGGHHH…
I guess the only way to say it is straight out.
Just spill it out.
Get it over with.
Okay, here comes the band aid……
HEATHER LOCKLEAR IS OLD.
I know.
I’m devastated.
Maybe because this is the first time I’m seeing someone from my generation and a 90’s sexy siren to boot turn of age.
Took me by surprise.
After all, Jaclyn Smith is not old. Not even a little bit. In fact she is even more drop dead gorgeous than she was in the eighties.
Is selling clothes in K-Mart the secret of youth?
Liz Taylor, Sophia Lauren, Maude….well, those people were always old.
But Heather…
Completely caught me off guard.
Although still more beautiful than most women in their twenties, Lifetime visibly worked overtime to accommodate her new age status with a multitude of forgiving soft lighting and creative angles. And it appears that she did some weird cosmetic injection which, although inflated her skin successfully, robbed her of her own distinctive appearance that was so uniquely her.
The crux of my extreme upset?
Isn’t it obvious?
There will be no sympathetic camera men following me around in real life!
No airbrushing technicians working day and night to fight off the ooglalee-boogalee- age monster. And no quickie injection miracle for anyone!
My future mirrors are forever going to be my enemy with no recourse for revenge.
If it happened to Heather, it can happen to anyone!
Don’t you see????
There is simply no stopping it!!!
It’s Mutiny I say!!!!
I’m having an affair.
With many.
So many, that I’ve actually lost count.
I’m having an on-going affair that my husband is fully aware of and could really care less about.
And I’m in love.
I’m in love with….
Words
And it’s an affair for life.
I’ve always been acutely aware of my need for words. Whether they are to be written, read or said.
I crave them.
If I don’t have a book to read at night, I panic.
And the smell of a bookstore...don't even get me started! Like a slice of freshly baked heaven.
Whenever I feel the word urge - I write. If not, I open a book and let the words fill me. That’s just how it works for me.
Though only in black and white, words are the color of life.
(That line sounded really good when I was drinking out of my "fancy-glass").
And, to me, nothing is as spectacular as being taken in by a captivating author. Pulled willingly into a vivid world created solely from the depths of their brilliant imaginations.
An author that makes me feel, see and anticipate.
No man more viral, no woman more beautiful no story more poignant.
I often find myself playing back my affairs to remember in my head, but I will always anticipate a new affair as if it were the first.
And I’m not ashamed to say that being a whore never felt so good!
Who's in the brothel with me? (-:
At this point, I feel forced to confess to all of you that I am living and starring in my own version of Lesbian Big Love.
That’s right.
I’m married to several women without the benefit of even one damn climax.
Not one.
Damn it.
Not even one.
And I want divorces.
Pronto.
But I can’t divorce them…..
Know why?
‘Cause I have to be married to them five days out of the week or else I don’t get paid.
And Blog forbid I not live in the broke-ass style to which I’ve become so accustomed.
But the worst part is that I’m only allowed to cheat on them on the weekends. And my weekend-husband doesn’t even realize how lucky he is to have me on those precious two days.
After all, I am a cheating lesbianish whore prize.
So as I see it…..
. I’ve already gotten my period the same time as all of them.
. Listened to every drool running down my neck saturating my clothes story about their children and grandchildren
. Ate all of their homemade crap and lied my ass off raved politely.
. Gossiped about each one of them equally with the other.
I’ve paid my dues damn it….
Now I want out!!!
Where is a good unemployment-lesbian-lawyer when you need one?
I always wanted to be a lesbian star in my own show but this….?????
Is there anything more deserving of a double-eye-fork-stabbing than walking into a business meeting, with a room full of people and a co-worker screaming at you from across the room…
‘Hey! New shirt? TJ Max $12.99 right?’
Is there a court in the land who would convict me?
Seriously?
I have a secret.
No, not that one…
I have a Secret…. Magic word.
A very dangerous secret magic word.
Listen closely as you are about to be astounded and mystified by the sheer awesome power of the magic word.
Guaranteed to render you speechless!
It is so mighty in fact, that you might not ever want to say it again for fear of all its’ spellbinding repercussions.
Ready?
Mothers hold on to your children….
Okay…..
Here goes….
The magic word is……..
Hello.
It’s okay. Don’t be afraid...
It won’t hurt you.
For your protection, this secret word does have limitations and must be used wisely.
Not everyone is susceptible.
Some are actually immune to its power.
But some ….
Yes some are simply held powerless against it.
For those easily spellbound, once this word is cast, their ability to allow anyone else’s words to penetrate their lengthy monologue becomes magically impossible.
Completely entranced, the possessed-demon talker can only be silenced by uttering the name of Hello’s arch nemesis….
Goodbye.
Yes my friends, it’s scary to be in possession of such a lethal weapon.
So now that you know, be very careful on whom you choose to cast this magical word upon.
Use your power wisely.
There are just so many hours in the day right? (-:
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