Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Depends Anyone?

So here’s what I learned while on vacation:

The world is broken down into two distinctive groups of people:

Oh, how fun!


What damned idiot thought of that crap?

I clearly fall into the latter group as I watch an electric roller coaster car vertically shuttle a brave group of well insured fear factor maniacs high enough to see all of their individual Gods.

And can someone please tell me why are there soooo many Gods and only one devil anyway?

I mean, what if they had to choose up teams for a baseball game or something?

“Okay” Jehovah shouts “I’ll take Allah, Buddha and Jesus. Christ, hurry up will ya, I have to watch my people go knocking on doors”

Devil gives them all the evil eye and Team God captain shouts,

“Well, looks like it’s just you against us again Devil.”

“Hell, I ain’t worried; you guys are all scared to death of me anyway. All I have to do is throw one fire fastball and you preaching pansy asses will go running like bitches under Mother Nature’s skirt”

Way off track.


But I do worry about these things.

Anyway, back up in crap-your-pants-land… you can feel their heartbeats thrumming with fright and anticipation as each drawled out clack clack clack gets higher and higher to the peak of their imminent doom.

OHMYGODS are murmured throughout the crowd of craned necked-onlookers as they silently thank their own higher ups that their feet are firmly planted on concrete and not in some rising death trap.

And then it comes, the well awaited fiercely, dramatic coaster downfall back to earth.

Yeah, you won’t ever catch me on that line.

The other thing I learned while on vacation?

….I am THE biggest white cracker chicken ass you will ever wanna meet.

How about you? Are you a daredevil?


Moooooog35 on May 19, 2010 at 4:23 AM said...

I AM a daredevil.

Sometimes, when no one is looking, I unclick my seatbelt for a split second.


Anonymous said...

See, that's why I pray to the devil. He's the under-dawg. Poor guy.

One Photo on May 19, 2010 at 5:14 AM said...

I AM a daredevil and a speed queen, I drive like a European and my three year old is already trained to rear seat drive and instruct me "Mommy, be careful, not too fast!"

Great post - nothing wrong with being a chicken either, if we were all senseless we'd none of us survive for very long!

Simply Suthern on May 19, 2010 at 5:37 AM said...

I am a low velocity daredevil unless I have my hands on the wheel. Heights don't bother me a lick as I have to climb some for my job. I don't do coasters. Having to reswallow that $10 Theme park burger and $3 coke aint my idea of a vaction.

ReformingGeek on May 19, 2010 at 5:54 AM said...

The devil made me do it.

I love roller coasters but I'm scared of heights. Go figure.

**makes chicken noise**

Why are chickens given this reputation anyway?

Jules AF on May 19, 2010 at 5:56 AM said...

I am also the latter.

The Queen on May 19, 2010 at 6:07 AM said...

There is not enough gin in the world... not even a case of the really good stuff.. to make me ride a roller coaster... or ski lift... or climb a ladder... I step up on a chair.... oh wait.. could be cause I never leave the bar...

If I left the bar.. I might do this shit!

Bossy Betty on May 19, 2010 at 7:03 AM said...

No ma'am. I will stand on the ground and watch and even then I get a little freaked out.

Survivormama on May 19, 2010 at 7:04 AM said...

So funny! I am definitely not a daredevil...at least I don't think I am...following you now by the way!

Lisa@GrandmasBriefs on May 19, 2010 at 7:12 AM said...

No daredevil here. I'd be standing in the big ol' white cracker chicken ass line with you. Although ... I *did* jump out of an airplane once ... while it was 14,000 feet above the ground. But I wrote my will beforehand and prayed all the way down and will never do it again. So yeah, white cracker chicken ass am I.

MommaKiss on May 19, 2010 at 7:35 AM said...

huge fan of roller coasters. But something like bungee jumping? no flucking way.

Just A Normal Mom on May 19, 2010 at 7:37 AM said...

Nope. Not a daredevil. Something about the fact that those crazy-ass rides makes me motion sick - I don't even have to worry about the fear factor.


Vintage Christine on May 19, 2010 at 7:55 AM said...

No you're not. I am. Feel better?

Nancy C on May 19, 2010 at 10:39 AM said...

I hate roller coasters. Yet, strangely, I want to go skydiving someday.

Angie on May 19, 2010 at 10:55 AM said...

Um, I'm a fairweather daredevil. As in, I went skydiving, but called our insurance agent first to make sure it wouldn't invalidate our life insurance policies.

Used to be all about the roller coasters, but as an adult, I've all of a sudden got the pleasure of motion sickness, so I'm not looking forward to the amusement park phase.

Linda Medrano on May 19, 2010 at 11:11 AM said...

I am NEVER going on a roller coaster! I have a fear of heights that keeps me well grounded. I won't even climb on a chair to change a lightbulb if I can help it. In fact, I won't even do the reverse missionary. That said, I am okay flying because I pretend I'm on a bus.

Maureen@IslandRoar on May 19, 2010 at 11:38 AM said...

I like roller coasters, so long as I keep my eyes closed and scream my ass off. For some reason this embarrasses my kids. Go figure.

Gypsy on May 19, 2010 at 11:50 AM said...

Not that kind of daredevil. I have too much concern for the people riding behind me who would be splattered by the second visit of lunch.

Carma Sez on May 19, 2010 at 12:28 PM said...

Oh, I am a HUGE sissy. I despise roller coasters. I prefer not to have my brain shaken in my head (I saw a documentary about that once) - I need all my brains intact.

Liz Mays on May 19, 2010 at 12:36 PM said...

I'll do the coasters except for the ONE, usually the newest highest, fastest, steepest one.

Unknown on May 19, 2010 at 1:31 PM said...

sometimes I guess I am...but as I have gotten older, I can not stomach those roller coasters anymore like I use to.

And Then Kate on May 19, 2010 at 4:25 PM said...

I do like fast rides, although some are Just Too Fast. My three-year-old would live on the Scrambler, though, if I let her. Huh. Not a bad idea, actually.

Lothiriel on May 19, 2010 at 4:54 PM said...

I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS!!!! HUBBY AND USED TO TRAVEL EVERYWHERE JUST to try the different rides. sorry for the all caps. i have baby so i',m typing w/one hand. anyway, we bungee jumped and that's the one time i will ever do it. i almost shit myself while falling. i thought i was gonna die. i pissed myself just a little. but enough to wanna change underwear.

Aunt Juicebox on May 19, 2010 at 5:00 PM said...

I love roller coasters, but there ARE rides that scare me. Our local amusement park has one ride that makes me nearly panic, but is my daughter's favorite. They also have this thing called a sling shot, and they put you in a big round cage and actually sling you on a bungee. Never gonna happen. Makes me wet myself just watching videos of other people doing it.

Jayne Martin on May 19, 2010 at 5:20 PM said...

I no longer see the thrill of thrill rides. Vomiting and peeing my pants just isn't as fun as it used to be. But I do still climb on the back of 1500-pound horses and jump them over fences. That's got to count for something.

You are so right on with the gods thing, but I'd never thought about the fact that there's only one anti-Christ, if you don't count Dick Cheney, that is.

P.S. I took on God, as well, today. Must be something in the water.

Mammatalk on May 19, 2010 at 9:13 PM said...

I am a big wimp. Total chicken. Cluck. Cluck.

Ziva on May 20, 2010 at 2:26 AM said...

I've never really understood what makes people want to go on these sorts of rides. "Yes please, make me pee in my pants, take 10 years off my life and drop me to a certain death using this machine with its single purpose of scaring the living crap out of people and occasionally fail catastrophically, taking someone's legs off. So much fun!" There's got to be safer ways of getting your thrill on. Like swimming with sharks.

People Who Know Me Would Say: on May 20, 2010 at 4:55 AM said...

I can't stop laughing!! You're a genius when it comes to commentary on life!!! I bow to your brilliance.... and, yes, I'm still laughing.

Btw, you may be THE biggest white cracker chicken ass we will ever wanna meet, but I HAVE the biggest white cracker ass a chicken would ever wanna meet.

Thank you. I'm here all week.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on May 20, 2010 at 6:06 AM said...

I used to loooooove roller coasters. Until I had kids. Now rides of all varieties (including the merry go round) make me sick to my stomach. And I am petrified of plummeting to my death. (You never know what might happen when you are going up and down on top of a sequined tiger...)

Macey on May 20, 2010 at 8:26 AM said...

I used to be a daredevil..and then came the time that I was on a rollercoaster with my brother and it went so fast around this corner that it WHIPPED THE SNOT RIGHT OUT OF OUR NOSES and I quit loving it.

Alexandra on May 20, 2010 at 8:34 AM said...

Hello. It's me, your twin sister separated at birth. I recognize you from the line outside of the ride's gates, waiting for our families to return...

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick on May 20, 2010 at 8:44 AM said...

I hate rides. I went on the Tower of Terror at Disney World because my friend told me it was "like being in an elevator that goes up and down." I thought I would be standing in an actual elevator-like box holding onto the railing. I get scared just thinking back on the fact that I was on there.

BLOGitse on May 20, 2010 at 10:26 AM said...

LOL! You are crazy! Me too! :)
Oh your blog how great post again!
Now I feel great, ready for a drink before dinner!


Salt on May 20, 2010 at 11:35 AM said...

I LOVE roller coasters. LOVE. THEM. Especially riding in the front for maximum dying potential.

I was on one once and we were clack clacking up the hill and the girl in the car behind me was screaming bloody murder. Nothing had even happened yet! I wanted to punch her friend for dragging her on that ride!

Robin on May 20, 2010 at 3:38 PM said...

...I am the second one...and my kids say...."but ma it goes as fast as a rocket launch"..and Im like...why do you need to accelerate to 200 mph in 10 seconds to have fun...its brain damaging...."...and I am also scared to wait at the entrance and watch..it makes me anxiety ridden...like I have a hollow stomach...Rrrrr..shudder..!..they make fun of me becasue I think the Merry go Round is a "fun time"....BwHahahahah...well that with a margarita...

gayle on May 20, 2010 at 5:00 PM said...

Not to much of a dare devil........never was!

drollgirl on May 21, 2010 at 12:24 PM said...

well, i used to like this sort of thing, but i am older, wiser (or just more chicken shit) now! :)

hope you have a great weekend!

Claudya Martinez on May 21, 2010 at 6:26 PM said...

Mephistopheles, Satan, El Diablo, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Antichrist, Mammon...I think the Devil could round up some teammates. I guess that's not really the point of the post.

Unknown on May 25, 2010 at 2:30 PM said...

Great writing! I think I'm a bigger white cracker chicken ass than you are. For me it's cluck, not clack.

The Absence of Alternatives on May 28, 2010 at 10:46 AM said...

I can't stand roller coaster. Splash Mountain is as far as I would go. Love the baseball game. MOVIE PITCH!

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