Say Anything...Really?

Excuse me a moment while I take a swig out of my sarcastic sippy cup and ask you all…

Is there anything more deserving of a double-eye-fork-stabbing than walking into a business meeting, with a room full of people and a co-worker screaming at you from across the room…

‘Hey! New shirt? TJ Max $12.99 right?’

Is there a court in the land who would convict me?

Seriously?

******************************************

Oh, and I think I just did my first and last interview over at Say Anything AND got the date mixed up on top of it!!!!

Yeah, I'm pretty sure nobody will ever ask me again after this.

Say Anything

The Secret Is Out

I have a secret.

No, not that one…

I have a Secret…. Magic word.

A very dangerous secret magic word.

Listen closely as you are about to be astounded and mystified by the sheer awesome power of the magic word.

Guaranteed to render you speechless!

It is so mighty in fact, that you might not ever want to say it again for fear of all its’ spellbinding repercussions.

Ready?

Mothers hold on to your children….

Okay…..

Here goes….

The magic word is……..

Hello.

It’s okay. Don’t be afraid...

It won’t hurt you.

For your protection, this secret word does have limitations and must be used wisely.

Not everyone is susceptible.

Some are actually immune to its power.

But some ….

Yes some are simply held powerless against it.

For those easily spellbound, once this word is cast, their ability to allow anyone else’s words to penetrate their lengthy monologue becomes magically impossible.

Completely entranced, the possessed-demon talker can only be silenced by uttering the name of Hello’s arch nemesis….

Goodbye.

Yes my friends, it’s scary to be in possession of such a lethal weapon.

So now that you know, be very careful on whom you choose to cast this magical word upon.

Use your power wisely.

There are just so many hours in the day right? (-:

Sex, Taxes...What's the Difference?

“Welcome to H&R BLOG. Ready to have your taxes done today?”

By your best criminal please

“Yes”

“So I see here that you have done your own taxes for the past few years. What brings you to us this year?”

I couldn’t figure out how to scam more money back by myself.

“Convenience.”

“Do you have all of your forms with you?”

Right here. Ready to be doctored up.

“Yes”

“If applicable, would you like the refund automatically deposited into your account?”

IF???? IF I wanted IF, I would have done the damn taxes again myself!!!! What the hell kind of criminals do you have running this joint???!!!

“Okay. Sure. How much do you think I could possibly get back?”

Please keep in mind that orange makes me look fat

“Well it looks like you didn’t make that much in 2009. Was there a salary decrease or something?”

Where the f*&@ have you been bloghead?

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Well it doesn’t look like much but we’ll see what we can do.”

Bloghole

"Yes, by all means, please see what you can do"

At least my husband buys me a drink first (-:

Never Too Old For A Sticker

Ahem....

My name is Mom and I .....

I am a....

I am an Obsessive Worrying Ass.

My worry today and everyday?......

Not Doing It Right

Perhaps this worry is the reason that I am so nosy observant around other parents.

I eavesdrop pay close attention to them interacting with their kids at a restraining order type distance every opportunity.

Am I doing it right?

As a mother, this question swirls around my heart and head at least fifty-three villion times a day.

Sometimes I am able to lose it amongst all the other worries but some days I can almost feel the weight of the dark red pencil circling over my head marking me for failure.

Have I ruined him for all screeching-hormonal-females everywhere?

How much will he hate me for this when he gets older?

What portion of this can I successfully turn around and blame on my husband?

So many questions.

What I do know is that I am secretly waiting for him to turn to me one day and say

‘Mom, …You know what? You’re doing a really great job with me’

I realize that tears and bribery don't work this might never happen.

But wait for it I do.

Wait and worry.

Is anyone out there ‘doing it right’?

....as in blaming it on your husband?

The Sex Ref

Can somebloggy please explain therapy to me?

Therapy as in counseling.

Counseling as in marriage.

Is there anyone else out there who thinks this is the biggest crock of crap?

Let’s be truthful, the only reason people enter marriage counseling is to have someone with a degree in Listening-To-Crap declare you the Right One.

This way you can point the finger and say…See? I told you so. I’m right. You’re an ass. Now change your ways and let’s go home.

Why else would anyone go?

And who the hell wants to listen to the other person’s side anyway? And take mental notes on all the areas that you need to improve on?

Pffffttt!

If you’re not happy, do you really need to pay someone to tell you this?

Can I do it for half?

Can a highly paid referee really cure the reason you sought out counseling in the first place?

Has marriage counseling really ever worked for anyone?

I guess you can tell by all the question marks that I don’t really believe in marriage counseling.

To be clear,

I think it’s a professional freak show.

Which when televised can be quite entertaining.

But for the record, my husband shares my opinion. And if he didn’t, well…I certainly wouldn’t solicit a paid stranger to help us solve that.

Might as well get us a hooker to do us both by the hour.

Much better investment.

And a much better screw.

Perhaps I need counseling about counseling

Yeah....probably.

….now about that Hooker….