Sunday, February 28, 2010

Dr. Douche

My son’s pediatrician is a jackass.

If I brought him in screaming of multiple penis disorder, this doctor would treat it the same as a runny vagina.

He’d stare into his computer magic eight ball and predict and prescribe the same damn thing.

EVERY damn time.

It’s like listening to a bad medicinal chorus.

What does it take to become a pediatrician anyway because I think my nasal and gassy, one-eyed cat would be a highly qualified candidate.

Maybe I should go into practice.

I'm nasal.

I can look into a computer and tell worried-to-death-parents to make sure their hacking child drinks liquids and rests regardless of their agitated state too you know.

I could be famous!

....Hey, what kinda money do you think I can make as a Jackass?

Ah, who the hell cares…. the money I save on leaky vagina medication alone will be well worth it.

Nothing like great benefits right?



BigSis on May 28, 2010 at 4:56 AM said...

There's not a lot of love being lost on the medical professionals this week. Think they'll get the hint? Probably not.

Best of luck with the runny vag :)

BLOGitse on May 28, 2010 at 5:21 AM said...

It's running here too - I've saved a lot of money as well!
Ooh, aren't we clever! :)


Moooooog35 on May 28, 2010 at 5:22 AM said...

I don't make any money as a jackass.

And, trust me...I'm a professional.

BugginWord on May 28, 2010 at 5:35 AM said...

There's a condition called runny vagina?!?! I always assumed it was just Hay Fever.

Vintage Christine on May 28, 2010 at 5:58 AM said...

There was a GYN here in our little town a few years ago who, upon setting up practice, decided that he needed to advertise himself so he put up a great big billboard down by the Walmart. When I drove by, this is what I saw: NEW GYN PRACTICE. BOARD-CERTIFIED. CALL DOCTOR SLAUGHTER. He lasted about 6 months. Entrusting one's vagina to a man named Dr. Slaughter didn't seem seem like a good idea, ya know?

Aunt Juicebox on May 28, 2010 at 6:02 AM said...

I love my doctor, but I think he looks a lot of stuff up on the internet too.

Maureen@IslandRoar on May 28, 2010 at 6:07 AM said...

I'm assuming you don't have any better choices? I loved our pediatrician when we lived in NJ, where we had a ton of great choices. Here on Martha's Vineyard we're not as lucky. We use a nurse practitioner who's okay, but if a kid was ever really sick I'd take them off-island in a second. I'm sorry you have a sucky doc. Hope everyone's okay.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick on May 28, 2010 at 6:07 AM said...

This is why I started seeing the nurse practitioner instead of the real doctor in our practice. You don't need a medical degree to tell me what I already know and am just coming in to get validated, right? And if you don't agree with my prognosis, I'll be finding another doctor, thanks.

We even have someone below the nurse practitioner, basically just a regular nurse, who also sees patients and writes prescriptions. She is absolutely fine and it's good enough for me.

When my kids were little, I swear my pediatrician hated kids. They WANTED me to feel bad about what my kid wasn't accomplishing. Every well-child visit, he would ask questions - "is he doing this yet? is he doing that yet?" and he would just keep asking until I said, No, he's not doing that yet. And then he would just look at me and smile, like, "Oh, you have a retarded son, for sure." My son was teeny weeny young and they asked me if he was saying any words yet. I said, yes, he says, "uh-oh." And they said, "Uh-oh isn't a word." I flipped out and went into a huge explanation about what constitutes a word. If it has syllables and meaning and is used in appropriate settings (like when you spill something, you say uh-oh) it's a word, goddamn it!

Simply Suthern on May 28, 2010 at 7:45 AM said...

Is your son's condition contagious?? Not sure I would get that treated if it was my diagnosis.

Coffeypot on May 28, 2010 at 8:14 AM said...

I don’t think I could ever be a pediatrician. A pussyatrician, maybe…
And I wonder what has happened in a man’s life that would make him want to be a proctologist. Such a stinky profession.

Robin on May 28, 2010 at 9:15 AM said...

I would so totally go to you if you open a practice...!!..and mutiple penis disorder sounds so much better than runny vagina....Ewwwww.....What are you drinking over there girl...I want some...! Have a great Day Dr. Blogalot

The Absence of Alternatives on May 28, 2010 at 10:34 AM said...

get a talk show then you can start making money as a jackass. :-)

Jayne Martin on May 28, 2010 at 10:37 AM said...

The only time you get me to a doctor is when you have to scrape me off the ground -- which has actually happened.

Dual Mom on May 28, 2010 at 11:07 AM said...

Your vaginas leaking? That can't be good.

Andrea on May 28, 2010 at 12:26 PM said...

Oh my, you are a crack up. I hope the boy is doing better!

One Photo on May 28, 2010 at 12:42 PM said...

First of all as always you made me laugh, so thank you for that! On a serious note we actually have a really great pediatrician but our family doctor, the one my husband and I were using, was useless, hardly glanced at you before delivering a diagnosis and referring you for unnecessary tests, specialist consultations and more, so we decided enough was enough and my husband just switched to a new doctor. It was like night and day, his new doctor is really good, takes the time to consult and deal with the issues properly, makes follow up calls etc. Maybe it's time to find you son a new pediatrician.

Unknown on May 28, 2010 at 1:40 PM said...

hope you feel better...leaky vagina and all...
oh, I mean your son, I hope his leaky vagina feels better...oh shit i better reread this.

ReformingGeek on May 28, 2010 at 1:51 PM said...

Don't worry, Sweetie. The vagina leaks on the average of once a month for a few days. You'll feel bloated and grumpy and will have the urge to use frying pans as weapons.

See? I could easily be a doctor.

Linda Medrano on May 28, 2010 at 2:19 PM said...

My vagina has been running since I was about 14. We've been many many places together, some I'm not that proud of. Why are you taking yours to a pediatrician? I take mine to travel agents.

Mammatalk on May 28, 2010 at 2:20 PM said...

Vaginas get runny? Oh and I thought I had experienced everything.

drollgirl on May 28, 2010 at 2:35 PM said...

argh! half the time it seems like doctors just want us to tell THEM our diagnosis and tell THEM what we should be prescribed. they just want us to go away.

Macey on May 28, 2010 at 4:25 PM said...

So annoying...sometimes doctors or so rah-tarded. When we found our pediatrician I basically told him that he better be solid because I didn't want to have to show him my "screechy bitch" side.
He's excellent. Thank goodness.

The Urban Cowboy on May 28, 2010 at 5:38 PM said...

I never had a runny vagina...oh, that's right, I don't have one. Never mind.

Captain Dumbass on May 28, 2010 at 6:20 PM said...

Leaky vaginas and gassy cats. Happy Friday.

Claudya Martinez on May 28, 2010 at 6:57 PM said...

I'm so sorry you have a leaky vagina. Perhaps you should see a plumber about it.

Anonymous said...


Maybe you should just get a new Dr?

People Who Know Me Would Say: on May 29, 2010 at 3:42 AM said...

I'm kind of hung up on the multiple penis disorder. Would it be like wheel of fortune for the wife of such a patient at bedtime each night?

Meg on May 29, 2010 at 4:18 AM said...

I don't even get to see the same doctor whenever we visit the doc. So I don't get to vent. Ever. But this would piss me off if I had to deal with it.

Unknown on May 29, 2010 at 6:55 AM said...

Some Dr. Douches can be so cold and vinegary, so unpleasant to be around. My son's pediatrician was also a Douche University graduate. He once said that "My son was more stubborn than the average bear." Lucky me to have found a pediatrician/veterinarian. Douché!

Miss Spoken on May 29, 2010 at 9:58 AM said...

This is exactly why I self-diagnose and self-medicate. Okay, maybe the self-medicating has something to do with early childhood trauma or maybe early onset dementia but whatever.

I'm the exact oppsite with my offspring. I don't think there isn't anything that a vaporizer won't cure and nothing that a little electrical tape won't seal.

Nanny Goats In Panties on May 29, 2010 at 11:36 AM said...

In your douchebag doctor's defense, I don't know any doctor that can successfully diagnose multiple penis disorder, let alone runny vagina. Your doctor sounds like a genius, actually.

Unknown on May 29, 2010 at 2:18 PM said...

boy, i'm a little scared of this penis disorder. thank goodness i have twin girls!

i guess i'm lucky b/c we happen to have a great pediatrician. i'm not gloating or anything, though.

sometimes i think i'd make a pretty good doctor myself. tell all these people seeking antibiotics all the time that they just have a damn cold and to get over

Tracie on May 29, 2010 at 5:53 PM said...

I think the Jackass market is over-saturated so you probably won't earn much cash going that route.

Joann Mannix on May 30, 2010 at 11:25 AM said...

I had a gyno that was a douchebag of all douchebags.

He was more interested in the drug reps coming into his office than his patients. When I went to him for a problem that ended up being pretty serious, he dismissed me and told me the answer was all in the Nuva-ring which he had on an elastic cord around his waistband. I am not kidding you. When I questioned him and wondered if it was the right thing for me, since it had nothing to do with my condition and the fact that I've had a blood clot before, he assured me, nuva-ring was the answer to all my prayers.

I took all the samples and prescriptions he gave me and left his office very puzzled.

I didn't take up any of his advice. A little while later, I was talking to a friend and before I could get it out, she said, "Let me guess. He told you you needed the Nuva-Ring" which was on an elastic cord around his belt." Yes, he did it to her, too on a totally different problem.

Dude should have been thrown out of medicine forever. Suffice to say, I am no longer with the douche.

Ed on May 30, 2010 at 3:20 PM said...

I have worked with several pediatricians.

You should hear the loving things they say about mom's like yourself after you leave.

Coincidently, there is often mention of a leaky vagina and the possible causes offered up in their comments.

Dalia (Generation X Mom) on May 31, 2010 at 6:14 AM said...

Most either love them or hate them! LOL.

Alexandra on May 31, 2010 at 5:55 PM said...

We had a stupid Dr like that. He was a jerk, yelled at me for not nursing when I solidly nursed. I said, "you're thinking of someone else, b/c I only nurse."

"Oh," he said.


Big Dummy.

Liz Mays on June 1, 2010 at 4:28 AM said...

Wait a second....there's such a thing as a leaky vagina?

LucyCooper on June 3, 2010 at 7:16 PM said...

My son can be blazing with fever, but when I take him to the pediatrician and they use that worthless fucking temporal scanner thermometer, they invariably chirp, "97.4" Really? His cheeks are glowing like hot coals, his eyes are glassy, but 97 point effing four EVERY time.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip on June 3, 2010 at 7:48 PM said...

I have a homeopath that I love. And she actually treats us like real live human beings every time we come in. And doesn't mind sitting and talking with us for as long as it takes to answer ALL our questions. And she doesn't prescribe the same crap every single time. I say fire your dr. and find someone else. There's gotta be a better one than him around.

Lesa Antone on June 6, 2010 at 6:20 AM said...

You rock!! I love it!
Thanks for stopping by my place--I'll be sure to check back often to check on whatever crazy topic you are up to next!!!

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