The Convenient Jew

When I don't want to send out Christmas cards or feel like decking the halls, I can usually explain it away by being Jewish.

"Do you go to Church?"

Nope, Jewish

"Wear a cross?"

Nope, Jewish

"Swallow?"

er....Jewish

When my husband looks at me like I've sprouted even more nose hairs because I can still crack up at Adam Sandler's Chanukah song I tell him "You just don't get it. I guess you have to be Jewish"

"For that your Jewish?!" He screeches

"Wow Honey, that was pretty good. You almost sounded like one of us. Next time a little more up-pitched on the "ish" part and..."

"You know what you are?" Man can he flare a nostril "You're Screwish!"

Screwish?

Do they get jewelry?

You'd think with all the burning exhales being emitted out of my husband's face our heating bills would be much lower.

"Why is it that I am always Catholic but you are only sometimes Jewish?"

Hmmm....he's got me there...or does he?

"O.K. fine. No problem. You want me to be Jewish all the time?"

mental silence

"Uh, no, not really" he mumbles as he leaves the room.

Score another one for the Screw!

So do you think Hallmark makes cards for Screwvous?

Mrs. Blogalotwitz

Led Richard

Eventually my mind will drain free of all the nonsense but until that time......

Who loves puzzles?

Remember the puzzles in the newspaper that gave you two words and you had to come up with the ...I think it's called synonym for each word....there's my third grade education hard at work for ya folks.....

For example:

For Weak Mind the answer would be- Lame Brain

For Bratz Doll the answer would be - Whore Toy

Which leads me to Led Richard.

A prize for whomever gets it first!..............tick tock tick tock

Led Richard..........come on you can do it.....

Ding Ding Ding!!! Whoo Hooo!!! You got it! .... Pencil Dick!!

I knew you guys would get it!

No this post is NOT about my husband...thankfully, he has a Pretty Parcel...tee hee

No, this post was inspired by the PNC Bank representative who denied us for a loan modification because he said we do not look good on paper.

I realize a small blogger such as I won't make many waves but I'll take a ripple of satisfaction wherever and whenever I can get it these days....

So let's see how good you look on paper Mr. Led Richard....did I mention he was from PNC Bank (did you hear me Google? PNC BANK...small and discriminating little bank here in the northeast)

Well Richard.....You've just denied customers that have excellent credit ratings and have never been late on a singe payment once in ten years. Who have paid early and are hard working employed americans and who, btw, are on their way to becoming a housing casualty statistic thanks to you and your kind.

In addition to us not looking good on paper, we were told to come back when we make more money. Sorry....I thought a modification was for folks who needed a hand. Didn't know you had to be rich to get help. Obama's government assistant plan? Nope...you don't make enough money for that either. Sorry, come back and try again.

Have you met our economy Richard? Or are you stuck so far up your own ass that you are blinded by the crap you are so used to spewing?

I've heard the ranters, read the ravers but until this moment, I have not experienced the pure satisfaction of taking public revenge. Whew! Feels good.

And I didn't even have to drink!

While I'm at it, let's call out the companies who have made tuna cans smaller and thought we wouldn't notice.

Hey, I kinda like this ranting stuff. I might try it again real soon!

For now, thanks for listening to your friendly blogger neighborhood Cashew Work.

And I happily leave you with this:

___- ___- __- _______ - ______ - ___ - ______ - ____!!!!!!

urinate- also- look- container- inhale- belonging- spouse's- richard

Aren't puzzles fun?

Crazy Cuts

Today I’ve been sitting around just thinking about all the bowls of soup that have been poured since the beginning of time which of course led me to me to the subject of cutting my hair...

Yup. Gonna do it. Can’t stop me.

Now that I have actually made the decision and the appointment…

My long hair is dead to me

I don’t talk to it anymore. I don’t curse at it anymore. I have ceased trying to reason with it. And I smugly ignore its’ hairy haggling complaints about how my daily ponytail is causing breakage and ruin beyond repair.

Dead to me I say!

What choice did it leave me? Where was the cooperation when I needed it?

Hair death is never easy for anyone. Nair never did take it seriously enough.

Heartless shaver hater bastards.

Well, hair’s to closure:

Dear Dead to Me,

Thanks for …..well… for being long.

I will always remember all the rough grabbing hair sex good times we’ve shared. It is unfortunate that we have not been able to come to an amicable agreement and that we must cut our tresses and side part ways.

I am setting my hairdresser free of the uncomfortable role of Miracle Worker that has been thrust upon her by my begging and crying request. She can no longer be weighed down by your needy long strand demands.

Shearly, you understand that treatment at this point is out of the question. We’ve come to far down the Miss Clairol path to fool ourselves any longer.

So in keeping with my newfound dignity and determination… I’ve decided to get a boob job.

They will be far easier to maintain in the years to come and will give my porn loving husband me great pleasure. After all, who will give a crap about my hair when I have a great set of cans?

It is my great hope that you will not ask my nipples to sprout hair in retaliation.

You are bigger than that. Or at least you used to be back in the eighties.

Yours fooly,

Somebody Stop Me

a.k.a. voice #77

The Douche Movement

I believe that it is time for bowels to step aside and let The Douche Movement take over.

Nothing against a good bowel movement but sometimes a girl needs some extra cleansing.

Yeah, I’ve been drinking. Since when does anyone like a sober blogger?

So in this movement the blogger cleanses all feelings of angst and woe. Curses all enemies and fears. Name calls all those worthy. Bloggy slams all husbands. And then let’s the cleansing satisfaction seep out as any good douche would do.

In other words....your typical blog...Summer's Eve style.

Here is my weekly contribution to The Douche Movement:

“Oh honey" I purr sleepily "I’m so tired after eating all that turkey. How about you?”

“Tired from turkey? Now what cracker made that crap up?” He snorts.

“It’s true, there is an ingredient in the turkey called tryptophan and it makes you tired”

“So it couldn’t be that you stuffed your face so damn much and blabbed at the same time that your jaw is now suffering from acute exhaustion? It has to be blamed on a mystery turkey ingredient?”

GRRRRRR “Well yeah”….Anyway, what want are we doing tonight?”

Husband looks at his paycheck "Well let me check" dramatic pause …. "yup..Nothing”

OOOOOOLLLLLrightythen......“Well, probably a good thing….I heard on the news that there is a rapist out on the loose. We all have to be careful”

Mr. Perpetual Eye Roll says “Like there’s not always a rapist running around out there. Just because you hear about one on the news, doesn’t mean that there aren’t millions already running around out there. Does the weather man have to come on TV and tell everyone he has a dick or shouldn’t you just know certain things?”

Now could it be his inner machinations of working curiosity that manifests an unknown resentment of an even deeper manifestation of pondering, which secretly harbors ill will towards the stupid and lame brained?

Or is he just an ass?

There. Weekly Douche Movement completed. I encourage all bloggers to create their own weekly and unique douche movement in an effort to cleanse and revive the …..Palette.

Before you get all backed up and explode. Then you would have to join The Enema Movement and that is for the boy bloggers. What? They need to douche too!

Screw milk...Douching does a body good!

Now sing it with me....Summer's Eve makes me feel fine....

You know? I think I’ll drink more often.

Proud member of The Douche Movement how about you?

The Rosie Award

I'm gonna call this one the "Rosie Award" ....clearly the graphic designers of the world have nothing to fear...but still isn't it cute?

And I'd like to pass it on to some great blogger peeps I've met who are the Most Ut!

How are they the Most Ut you ask? Well since you asked......

They are hilarious, fun, inspirational, sarcastic, silly, compelling, irrational, unpredictable, truthful, astounding, thought provoking, raunchy, racy, boundry pushers, yellers, ranters, ravers, poets, cynics ..... no not all at the same time.....you don't want them to get sick do you?

You see, all of these spectacular bloggers are extremely versitile. You never know what to expect from their blogs or their comments (and I so love that!)

Blogging has added ....meeting all of .....blogging means the.....I feel that I have gotten to....I'm so glad.....

So enough of the sappy crap.....

The first round of Rosie Awards go to:

just-humor-me.blogspot.com

unknownmami.com

mommyspaceblog.blogspot.com

fourjugs.blogspot.com

(technically, four jugs should get two-one for each set right?)

momsaysthink.blogspot.com

underthegoldenappletree.blogspot.com

twonormalmoms.blogspot.com

thegirlnextdoorgrowsup.com

faeriecastle.blogspot.com

mommywantsvodka.com

justclosemyeyesnbreathe.blogspot.com

The Absence of Alternatives

peelinganorangewithascrewdriver.blogspot.com

mommyisinthebathroom.blogspot.com

thewannabewahm.com

ifevolutionworks.com

findingtrinity-michele.blogspot.com

homespunheartscandles.blogspot.com

pajamasandcoffee.com - but definitely not the f*&%en least yo!!!!

.....This award has been checked for R2D2's evil twin-H1N1 so it is safe to grab

Eyes on Your Own Paper Mister!

Q) What is worse than a cheating husband?

A) Why the rancid whores that cheat with him of course.

Now I’m not much for rules. For example, when my son goes over to visit a friend, I run down a mother-load of rules that would likely choke a rhino but the only rule that I really care about is that he doesn’t crap in someone else’s toilet.

But not much I can do about that one can I?

But there are some rules that should not be flushed as easily.

Last I heard, Not Cheating wrote the book on How to Stay Married and Not Kill Someone. It’s a bestseller in prison, I’m told.

Recently a new co-worker of about five months decided to shower me with the gruesome details of her cheating spouse. These cheat sheets come on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.

Now I love a good train wreck as much as the next guy but when there are kids getting caught in the tracks, count me out. Negative zero tolerance.

Q) Why did she choose to bestow me with this unwanted dirty load?

A) I must have added a little too much Please-Be-Sure-To-Vomit-Unwanted-Information-All-Over-Me- perfume.

I want off this train.

And I blame The Anti-Christ- Google for Cheaters Facebook. They started all this. She would have never found out about -not one- but TWO of his extrees otherwise.

All she had to do was friend a friend of a friend of his friend of a friend of her friend who friended hi…. and viola!

Cheating Husband and Bitches Palooza.

What happened to the good ole days when you just became President and just got plain caught?

Now showing in Car One-A lewd Facebook porn collage of piece one and piece two, respectively of course.

Car Two displays a an epic novel in process showcasing a mistress’s eternal patience and undying love -Until He’s Free…On my blog, I kid you not.

Are you listening Lifetime? Stop filling people’s heads with such asscrack plot ideas!

There are two-piece love letters ga-whore plastered all over this dirty train. And apparently, cheater husband and piece-one even go to therapy together once a week.

This cannot end well.

And I know way too much for an innocent (drama kills) co-worker bystander.

I could wind up calling in dead if I’m not careful.

Q) How bad could I get hurt if I jumped the tracks at full speed?

A) ?

Jane! Stop this crazy thing!!!

Obsession thy name is Edward!!!

Oh and let’s not forget Jake…like we ever could!

I don’t remember the last time that I was so taken in and all consumed by a series of books or characters. Unless you count that brief period of mourning when they killed off Catherine on the Beauty and the Beast T.V. series. And… if you can call six months brief.

Forbidden duel world love affair … secret underground city beneath the streets of New York.

Does sci-fi get any better?

I still can’t believe they off’d her. It was a very black time for me.

But low and behold…and looky here, sci-fi has done restored my faith once more!

And obsessed does not even begin to cover this one!

Not surprisingly, I have yet to meet anyone who has read these books that was like ‘uh yeah, they’re o.k.’ or ‘those books sucked yo’

These books breed addiction! Pure cult-like attraction for these out-of-this-world and every-world characters that will not be denied!

We’re not hurting anyone. There are no mass suicides. Nobody’s shaving any heads.

But in case you haven’t noticed, most boys don’t get it.

My husband by proxy will now reluctantly stand in for all the boys on this point:

“The Underworld now that was a movie” insert big cheesy chest puff here. “These vampires are nothing but a bunch of sappy ass wannabes. All’s I know is that if I don’t see someone’s head being chopped off in the first five minutes, the movie has to suck” now add loud snort to retarded chest puff “And what’s that vamp doing out during the day anyway?”

“There’s no direct sunlight or else he would sparkle” God, doesn’t he know anything?

“Well do they fly at least?”

“Kind of and Edward reads minds…except for Bella’s of course. And Alice sees the future and…”

“How weak! What do you guys get out of all this? What’s the big deal? It’s just a dumb movie!”

“Oh really? Exactly what time are the Yankees coming over to deliver your portion of their proceeds you screaming fan freak?”

Don’t worry guys; there was no bloodshed… this time. Although that would have blended in nicely with our theme don’t ya think? But I, like Edward, have restraint.

I have never been ready to love a movie more! And I am dying to see it!

Dying, Dying, Dying I say!

How about you bloggy sisters? Spill the blood! Let me hear it!

Before the movie. After the movie. Anytime! That’s what good obsession is for!!!

And for those not yet-bitten bloggy sisters…can I possibly sway you over to the obsessive side? Please!!! Please!!!!